


Roll Around this Roundabout

by dollphase



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Muggle, America, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Brotherly Love, Coming Out, Daddy Issues, Desi James Potter, Drug Use, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Everybody has daddy issues, Everyone is gay except James, F/M, Gay Sirius Black, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Indian James Potter, James Potter is a simp, James is the token straight friend, M/M, Marauders, Marijuana, Modern Marauders (Harry Potter), Oblivious Remus Lupin, POC James Potter, POV Multiple, Pansexual Lily Evans, Past Abuse, Recreational Drug Use, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Self-Harm, Shoplifting, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, Sirius Black is broken, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, it takes place in portland, petty crime, stoner remus lupin, towards the end at least
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:00:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 48,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29072949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dollphase/pseuds/dollphase
Summary: James Potter was pissed with the world. He was the new kid in some gigantic Portland suburban high school, his mom was dead and his new stepmother was trying to replace her, and now his dad was forcing him to go to some bullshit Shoplifting Anonymous Meeting, so excuse James Potter if he wasn't the charming, extroverted, life-off-the-party soccer star that he used to be.Sirius Black appeared to have a perfect life. He was the heir to a fortune, a football quarterback, and the mysterious leather-clad bad boy all at the same time. Girls salivated when they heard his name. He was straight out of a young adult novel... except that was the issue. He wasn't straight.Remus Lupin was a lot of things. He was a straight-A student, a stoner, a Mathlete, and more importantly, on probation.Three boys from drastically different walks of life meet one Saturday morning at a Shoplifting Anonymous Meeting. Loosely based off of the Netflix show, "Trinkets".
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 33
Kudos: 96





	1. Waste Your Time With Me in California

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everybody! I'm very excited to pst this fic! It was so much fun to write this chapter. It's my first fic I'm posting on this account. I've got another account but it's for a different fandom. Anyways, I hope you all enjoy this. Please leave a comment or kudos, they give me fuel to write. Please also feel free to leave any constructive criticism or even just a one-worded comment (comments make my day). Anyways, I hope you enjoy !!! 
> 
> I also want to apologize for any false depictions about Portland. I live thousands of kilometers/miles (doesn't even matter which measurement I use, I'm still so far away) away from Portland Oregon, so I apologize if anything I write sounds funny. If you're from the area, please let me know if anything I wrote seems unrealistic.
> 
> P.S I do not agree with J.K Rowling's views and if you do I recommend you leave my page.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: references to death, abusive relationships
> 
> Also the title of this chapter is a line from "La La Land" by Bryce Vine. I've never been to California, but that's what I imagine Southern California to be like hahaha :)

**_~Tuseday~_ **

James pokes his fried egg with the end of his fork, watching the yoke spill out like a bustling river onto the white ceramic plate. His head is resting on his hand and his eyes are burning a hole in the kitchen table. He didn’t dare look anywhere else, because that would mean he’d have to watch Jenna make her morning Chai Tea with her blonde ponytails whipping around with every movement she made. James didn’t have anything against Jenna per se, it’s just that she seemed adamant about being a replacement mother that rubbed him the wrong way. Jenna would never be James’s mother and he wished she’d get that through her thick skull.

There were many reasons why Jenna would never be James’s mother. The most obvious reason was that Jenna was a white thirty-something-year-old who liked to wear patterned leggings and James was a brown sixteen years old that lived in sweatshirts and ripped jeans. Jenna raved about how Fleamont ‘put her on’ Chai Tea and how amazing the ‘exotic’ flavors of Makhani were, meanwhile James had been _raised_ on Indian food. They were simply too different to be mother and son. Another (very important) reason why Jenna would never be James’s mother is that James already has a mother. She just happens to be dead. 

That’s how James got into this whole mess in the first place. His mother died, his ever-absent doctor of a father took him in, he met his white stepmother for the very first time, he took a month-long ‘adjustment’ period where all he did was lock himself in his new bedroom, and now he’s starting school in the middle of October. And somewhere in between his mother dying and the month-long ‘adjustment’ period, James had got caught shoplifting. It wasn’t his first time shoplifting or even his first time getting caught lifting, but it was his first time the police actually took it seriously. They made his dad pick him up from the station and now James had to start going to some bullshit shoplifting AA meetings on Saturday mornings. 

“Wanna cup of Chai, James?” Jenna asks, her voice overly sweet and friendly. It made James sick to his stomach. He was already having a hard time finishing his breakfast; eggs, and toast instead of chutney and roti, but now there was no chance of him finishing it.

“No thanks”, James says quietly.

“Really? I’ve been getting better at making it. Did I tell you that I’ve been putting almond milk in mine instead of whole milk? It doesn’t even taste different but the calories are sure different”. Jenna takes a sip out of a green ceramic mug and smiles at James. 

“That’s nice Jenna”, James says in a way that made it obvious it was anything but nice.

Jenna frowns, her bright blue eyes flickering with sadness for a second. “Your father will be down to drive you to school soon”. She picks up a magazine from the kitchen counter and tucks it under her arm. It’s probably one of her exercise magazines. Jenna loves cardio and yoga. “Are you excited to start school?”

James looks up at her and gives her a dry look. “Ecstatic”. 

James wasn’t thrilled to be starting a new school in the middle of October on a Tuesday morning. He didn’t know anybody there and wasn’t keen on being the social butterfly that he once was. Back in California, James had been quite popular. He played soccer for his high school and had a sturdy group of friends that were there for him no matter what. James was devastated to lose not only his mother but his familiar life and close friends from Cali. Maybe if he got around to it, he’d make a few friends here and Finnish junior and senior year smoothly before moving back to California where he belonged. 

Jenna’s frown deepens, but she doesn’t say anything back. She walks out of the room with her magazine and a mug of tea in hand. Fifteen minutes later James’s dad walks down the stairs dressed in his shrubs and jangling keys in his hand. 

“Hi, James. Are you ready for school?” He asks.

James shrugs before getting up from the table. He grabs the toast on his plate and puts the plate in the sink. “As ready as I’ll ever be”, he says stiffly. It was how he said anything these days, no emotion and no expression. 

Fleamont doesn’t seem to notice or care. He offers James a small smile, showcasing the wrinkles on his forehead. “That’s my boy”. 

James feels himself heat up. How dare his father call James ‘his boy’ when it took James’s mom’s death for James to see his father for the first time in three years? How dare he call James ‘his boy’ when all he sent were pre-printed birthday cards and twenty-dollar bills for years? James was nobody except his mother’s boy. He felt his tongue coil and he had to bite his gums to prevent himself from pointing out his father’s hypocrisy. Instead, he nods his head and heads out to the garage where the car was.

Fleamont drives a black BMW with leather seats that had next to no wrinkles on them. It contrasted greatly from the worn-out minivan his mother drove, the cloth seats tattered from all the out of state games they drove to and stains from fast food sodas spilled. James threw his book bag into the car first before sliding into the passenger seat of the flashy car, folding his arms and staring out the window. He sighs loudly as his father revs the engine up and he stares out the window the entire drive to his new school.

Fleamont pulls into the parking lot of Hogwarts Highschool, narrowly dodging a handful of kids playing basketball in the parking lot. The second the car parks, James bolts out of the car, grabbing his bag and shutting the car door promptly. He didn’t look back to see what his father’s reaction might be and truthfully he didn’t care. That’s what he got for ignoring James since the divorce.

James watches the students milling about the schoolyard carefully, watching what doors they enter and exit. He had been so preoccupied leaving the car that he forgot that he had no idea where he was going. His father had a paper copy of the map of the school in the car, but James had been so angry he forgot to ask for it. He notices a set of large doors that students are walking into and picks up speed, walking towards what he assumes is the front door. 

James walks into the school and finds himself in the middle of a hallway instead of in front of the offices as he thought there would be. Maybe those doors weren’t the front doors after all. 

He stumbles through the hallway and looks around for a friendly face. The hallway was filled with students clutching books, some hurrying along to their classes and some chatting with friends while leaning against lockers. James spots a short plump kid with a mousy face and longish-hair fumbling around at his locker and decides he looks nice enough. He approaches the kid and smiles at him.

“Hi, could you tell me where the main offices are?” He asks in the most friendly voice he can conjure.

The kid looks at him with a surprised expression, almost like he was shocked anyone would talk to him. “Yeah, of course. I actually have to stop by the offices anyway, so you can just follow me”. He puts away a book before closing his locker shut. 

“Thanks”, James says, mustering a small smile. Even if he wasn’t planning on being prom king, it might be good to make _some_ friends.

The boy smiles back at him as they make their way down the crowded hallway. “No problem. I’m Peter, by the way”.

“I’m James”. They make a left turn into a narrower hall with blue and bronze tiles. The other hall had grey tiles and James briefly wonders what the school colors were exactly. They walk into another hall, this one much bigger and with yellow and black tiles. This school sure had one weird color scheme.

“Okay, we’re here”, Peter says as they approach a door propped open with a rock.

The office was a neutral cream color with tassel carpets and two large oak desks in the center of the room. There were multiple doors, presumably leading into other offices, and uncomfortable-looking chairs lining against the walls. Two women sat at the front desks, one frail and old and the other young but mean-looking. Peter walks up to the mean-looking one and starts talking about something, putting a stack of papers on her desk. James looks at the other frail lady and notices the ‘Scheduling Assistance’ plaque laying on her desk. He walks up to her and smiles.

“Hi. My name is James Potter and it’s my first day of school here. I don’t have a schedule yet and was wondering where I could go to get one”. He says it quickly, his words all blurring into each other. 

The frail woman nods her head and smiles. “Oh yes, James Potter. You’re father was in here last week submitting some paperwork. Let’s see… I’ve got your schedule right over here”. She picks a yellow piece of paper up and hands it to him. “If you need help finding your first class, Peter can show you around”.

“Peter?” James asks, scrunching his eyebrows.

The frail woman nods and points to Peter, who was frantically waving a stack of paper in the air, looking distraught. Oh right. Peter.

“He looks a bit… busy right now. How about you wait outside the office for a few minutes and I’ll tell him to take you to your next class after he’s sorted his business out”.

James nods his head appreciatively. “Alright, thank you”

Once outside the room, James leans against the brick wall and looks at his schedule. He’s got Honors English first period, Precalc second period, Chemistry third period, lunch fourth period, Health fifth period, and History Honors during sixth period. It seemed manageable. He starts to look at his locker combination when a loud _thud_ distracted him.

James looks up from his schedule to find the origin of the noise and sees a gangly boy with sandy colored hair lying in the middle of the hall with numerous books splattered around him. A regal-looking boy with long black hair and a tight leather jacket stares down at the boy with a twisted smile.

“Better watch where you’re going next time”, leather jacket boy sneers. Another boy with a letterman jacket laughs heartily, even though in James’s opinion there was nothing funny going on.

The boy on the floor glares at the leather jacket boy. He stands up without picking any of his books up, revealing his impressive height, and the sleeves of his red flannel hitch slightly before he pushes his sleeves down promptly. Even though his arms had been exposed for only a second, James still managed to spot some pasty white scarring on his forearms. James makes a mental note of it before adverting his attention back to the altercation. “Better watch it, Black. I’m not in the mood to deal with your bullshit today”.

Leather jacket boy--Black-- cocks an eyebrow. A crowd begins to form around the pair and James knows all too well where this is going. “Is that a threat, Lupin? I’ll beat your skinny ass in thirty seconds flat, you little nerd”.

Lupin laughs vehemently. “Fuck off Black. You can’t fight for shit. Remember last time? I could give you a refresher?” Black doesn’t respond, he just stares at Lupin blankly. James watches half-amused, half bored. Either Peter needed to come out of that office and show him to class or those boys needed to throw some punches.

“That’s what I thought. I’m going to class”, Lupin says, bored. He picks up his books and pushes his way through the crowd, not paying anyone any attention.

Black turns his head and scoffs. “Can you believe that kid?” He asks the boy in the letterman jacket. Letterman jacket kid rolls his eyes and shrugs.

“For a nerd, he’s mouthy as fuck”, Lettermen says. He gives a sympathetic look towards Black and pays him on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, we’ll get him back later. C’mon. Can’t be late for class, or else coach will kick us off the team”.

The two boys walk down the hallway and a few girls that had been in the crowd of onlookers follow them, exchanging gleeful looks with each other and giggling. 

Right after the two boys depart, Peter strolls out of the office holding a different stack of papers. He turns and smiles at James. 

“Hi James, I’m walking you to your first class. What do you have?” 

James looks down at his schedule. “English 11 with McGonagall”.

Peter nods his head and starts walking, motioning for James to follow him. “Oh your one of McGonagall’s morning classes, those are all her smart kids. She loves you guys. I’ve got her in the afternoon with all the other slower kids. She likes us well enough, but she’s always raving about her morning kids.” 

James nods his head, not knowing how to respond to that. 

“She’s a good teacher though. I’m sure you’ll like her class. Anyways, I know your new here so if you need somebody to sit with at lunch, feel free to pull up a chair. I sit with the Yearbook kids and we’d be happy to have you eat lunch with us.” He pauses as they walk up a flight of stairs before picking right back up. “Oh yeah, there’s also this party this Friday at Brady’s house. You should definitely go. The entire Yearbook club is going. It’s going to be great. It’ll be great to make new friends”.

James nods along to everything Peter says. Damn that kid could talk. By the time they made it to the English class, James felt like his ear was going to fall off. He thanked Peter with the nicest smile he could muster before sliding into the classroom and shutting the door quickly. 

The class hadn’t started yet, much to James’s delight. He takes an open seat in the back of the class and opens his bookbag, taking out a notebook and pencil while waiting for the class to begin. So far nobody was sending James odd looks. James has never transferred into a new school in the middle of the year, he grew up in the same Californian town his whole life, but he’s seen movies where the new kid gets picked on the first day. So far everybody seems to be preoccupied talking to their own friends or catching up on work for their next classes to bother James. 

The flannel kid--Lupin-- is in this class, sitting a few desks down in the corner of the classroom, deep in conversation with a short girl with red hair. The girl rolls her eyes at whatever he’s saying before slapping him on the shoulder and throwing her head back to laugh. James studies the red-head, taking note of every detail of her. Her hair is a dark smooth auburn and flows down past her collar bones in soft waves like the ocean at low tide crashing into the shore. He can’t see them very well from where he’s sitting, but he can make out misty green eyes and wonder how bright they are up close. Her emerald eyes match the tight green and yellow striped shirt she’s wearing and her legs bounce up and down, pattering against the classroom floor. James doesn’t know exactly what it is about this girl, but he’s transfixed almost like she cast a spell on him. He finds himself wanting to know more about her; her name, where she lives, what’s her family like, her sense of humor, who she hangs out with. Everything.

“Alright, settle down now!” A sharp, shrill voice calls out. James jumps in his seat a bit, the voice snapping him out of his transfixion. He looks at the front of the classroom and sees a woman who appears to be somewhere in her forties with a tight bun of light hair. She catches James’s eye and nods at him. 

“Good morning class. Before we get started today, I’d like to introduce you all to somebody. We’ve got a new student today, Mr.Potter. Would you like to introduce yourself or would you like me to?”

James shrugs, feeling all the attention in the class shift to him. James didn’t exactly mind the attention, he was used to it being an ex-soccer star and a part of the popular kids at his old school. Some people who used to know James may even say he _liked_ attention. But today, James didn’t feel like talking too much or giving a charming smile. He very much felt like shrinking in his seat and running off back to California as soon as the class was over. But James couldn’t do that and he knew it was in his best interest to smile and introduce himself, he’d be more likely to make friends that way. 

“Hi, I’m James”, he says in what he hopes is a friendly voice. A few heads in the class nod and smile at him.

“Where are you from, James?” The teacher, McGonagall, asks politely.

“Sunesville, California”, James says. 

“I presume it’s very sunny there?” McGonagall asks with a small smile. 

James nods his head slowly. “Yep, it’s in the name”. James misses the sunshine, it’s always raining in Portland and when it’s not, the sun hides behind a layer of grey clouds. James used to be very outdoorsy, but since he moved to Portland a month ago he’s locked himself in his new bedroom the entire month. Some days he didn’t even bother to open a window to smell the fresh air. The air didn’t have the same sweet tangy fragrance that the air in California had, it was crisp and smelt vaguely of smoke and suburban blues.

“I can see, hopefully, you’ll get used to the lack of sunshine around here. Thank you for telling us about yourself, Mr.Potter. If you don’t mind, I’d like to tell you a little bit about myself now. I’m Ms.McGonagall, the head of the English Department here at Hogwarts High. I’ve taught here for twenty years now, teaching honors classes in the morning and standard classes in the afternoon. I’m very glad to have you here. Before we get started with class, I must ask if you are familiar with the book ‘The Outsiders?' It’s what our last few lessons have been about and I wouldn’t want to have you falling behind”.

“I’ve read ‘The Outsiders” before, I read it last year”, James says, remembering his old school. 

Sophomore year had been the best year of his life, acing all his classes, hitting the soccer field, and still having time to hang out with the boys. He’d come home to his mom and she’d whip up dinner and they’d chat all evening long about their days. He pushes the memories of his Sophomore year out of his head. That was then and this is now. 

McGonagall nods and smiles fondly at him. “Very well, Mr.Potter. With that settled, let’s do attendance. Si-”

She never did get to call out the first because at that very moment the classroom door opened and two boys entered the classroom. James quickly identified them as Black and Letterman. 

“You’re late”, McGonagall says sharply as the boys walk towards their seats. 

“We know”, Black says dryly. He tucks his book bag under his desk and folds his hands together. “Practice”.

McGonagall raises an eyebrow at the boys and folds her arms. “I thought morning practice was only on Tuesdays and Thursdays? I’ll have to talk to Couch Hooch about this.” Black winces and slumps in his seat but Letterman rolls his eyes and scoffs. “If football is that important to the two of you, maybe you should consider dropping this class. Honors classes are suitable for honors students and require being on time and present for most- if not all- classes. Maybe you two should consider transferring to Standard English. Consider this a warning.” 

McGonagall clears her throat and picks up a piece of paper off from her desk. “Sirius Black”.

Black stirs in his seat. “Here”, he says bitterly. McGonagall clicks her tongue and checks his name on the paper. 

So that was his name? Sirius Black. James smiles to himself, thinking about how pretentious that name sounds. It sounded aristocratic, like some inbred French prince's name. James taps his foot against the floor and listens closely to the names being called, trying to match names to faces. He perks up when the redhead girl raises her hand to ‘Lily Evans’. Lily was a pretty name, it reminds James of the lilies that grew in his mom’s garden in California. 

James learns that Letterman’s name is Brady and thinks it’s rather fitting. Brady was such a basic white fuck-boy name. James knew a Brady back in Sunesville. He was a bully and a player. Maybe the name Brady was cursed and if you name your child that they’d automatically turn out to be a douche. 

James also learned that Lupin was flannel boy’s last name and that his first name is Remus, just like the Roman story. Remus sort of looked like he was raised by wolves, too. His flannel hung loosely around him and his jeans were tattered and stained. James didn’t know if his shabby clothing was due to lack of funds or if he simply liked the raggedy hipster look. Maybe he was going for a grungey aesthetic.

Class was dismissed after an hour and James found the rest of his classes to be rather uneventful. Precalc was borning and muddled, just like every math class James has ever taken in his high school career. The only thing interesting about Precalc was that Lily Evans was in his class, but she sat in the back next to Remus Lupin like in English, so James didn’t have an opportunity to talk to her or anything. Chemistry was confusing and James got paired up with a girl named Mary McDonald for the lab they were doing. Lunch was fine. James sat with Peter and his group of energetic Yearbook kids, not saying much but nodding at all the right times. Health passed in a blur of worksheets and textbook reading but at least James was allowed to listen to music in class. History was the most boring of all his classes. Both Sirius, Brady, Remus, and Lily were in his class. It was ironic that he shared his first and last classes with them. 

James rode the bus home and put his earbuds in as soon as he found a seat near the front. He turned on a playlist called ‘Soft Vibes’ by a listener named ‘cherry_3_vans’ and thought briefly of “The Outsiders”. He stared out the window watching red-bricked buildings and red leaves pass and muddle into a brown blur. His first day wasn’t bad, but it was far from good.

Jenna makes baked chicken breasts and powder mashed potatoes for dinner. She also made some odd quiche dish, but James didn’t feel like eating anything remotely healthy. He had an entire stash of candy under his bed, all stolen and waiting to be consumed after dinner. James answers questions about his first day with one-worded answers and shaking or nodding his head. When he didn’t want to answer a question at all he’d shove a large bite of bland chicken in his mouth. Eventually, Jenna and Fleamont got tired of playing 21-questions and let him eat in silence. James saw them exchange worried glances every now and then, and he secretly felt a bit accomplished. _Good, be worried about me_ , he thought bitterly. 

When he clears his plate of chicken and mash potatoes, he walks to the sink and rinsess his plate out before putting it in the dishwasher. He grabs his phone from the table and gives his father one last look before heading up for the night.

“Dad?” 

Fleamont looks up quickly, giving his son full attention. “Yes, James”, he says eagerly. 

“There’s a… gathering going on this Friday. I was wondering if I could go”, James says nonchalantly. He tries to look bored like it didn’t matter if he went to this ‘gathering’ or not. In a way, James didn’t care. He was only going because Peter had begged him to attend and James didn’t want to get on Peter’s bad side, he was James’s only friend right now.

Fleamont and Jenna look at each other, wordlessly communicating. Jenna nods her head and smiles and Fleamont and James feels sick. He had asked his father, not Jenna.

“Of course, James. Where is the gathering? Who invited you? Do you need a ride?” Fleamont asks, the questions firing out rampantly. 

“A kid name Peter invited me. He’s going to give me a ride”, he says, purposely avoiding the first question. He didn’t know where the gathering was. Fleamont didn’t seem to notice the unanswered question, though, and smiles at James. 

“Alright, I’m glad you… uh… getting out, making friends”.

James shrugs in response. “Sure”, he says. He turns around and leaves the kitchen, walking up the rounded staircase and entering his room. He closes the door with a small slam and locks it promptly before sliding a purple box underneath his bed out. He opens the box and stiffens at the sight of his collection. Glasses, hairpins, pocket knives, rings, golfballs, and candy. James picks a bag of Sour Patch Kids out and slides the box back under his bed, opening the bag and picking a few pieces out to eat. He pops a candy in his mouth and lets the sour candy sting his tongue. He smiles to himself, stolen candy always tastes better than ones bought.

**_~Wednesday~_ **

Sirius wakes up to the sound of Walburga and Orion fighting, _again_. Judging by the volume of their voices, they were most likely in the study room next to Sirius’s bedroom. Sighing, Sirius throws on a pair of jeans and his leather jacket before making his way downstairs. The smell of bacon and pancakes rang heavy in the air, letting Sirius know that Kreacher, the family chef, had already made breakfast.

Regulus was already up and ready, sitting at the dining room table, picking at some bacon and scrolling on his phone. Sirius takes a seat across from Regulus and grabs a plate of his own.

“Mom and dad at it again?” Regulus asks, not bothering to look up from his phone.

Sirius laughs. “You know it.”

They were always at it. Not a second went by at the Black household without somebody yelling at somebody. Most days it was Walburga yelling at Orion, drunk, and accusing him of being a terrible husband. Other days she opted to yell at Sirius for trivial matters. _“Cut your hair boy.” “Why don’t you ever wear your Letterman. Your bother wears his.” “Ms. Crouch has a lovely daughter and I think you too might get along if you gave it a shot”_. She hardly ever got violent, but when she did it was extreme. Sirius got the brunt of her outbursts, he adorned a fleshy scar on his upper back from when she threw a vase at him and it shattered against his skin. Sirius counted down the days he had left with his mother. His Uncle Alfred had given him a small sum of money that he could access when he turned eighteen. Only one more year...

“Think mom’s drunk”, Regulus says while frowning. He puts his phone down and sighs. “I heard them fighting about it last night… dad wants mom to go to rehab.”

Sirius takes a bite of bacon, mulling over this new piece of information. Walburga Black was an alcoholic, that was for sure. She drank breakfast, lunch, and dinner without a fail. But Sirius never considered the possibility of her going to rehab. People didn’t go to rehab unless they were drinking themselves to death or unless they were roaming around the streets panhandling for money. Surely Walburga wasn’t _that_ kind of alcoholic.

“Is that what they’re arguing about?” 

Regulus sighs and nods. “That and the affair”.

Oh yes, the affair. Three months ago, Walburga while in a drunken stupor walked in on Orion and a young woman getting it on in the guest bedroom. Orion hadn’t stopped seeing the woman and Walburga’s drinking got even heavier since then, not that it hadn’t been heavy before. Things were just lovely and chipper in the Black household.

“Of course”, Sirius says, like it’s nothing. It really wasn't anymore. Sirius was used to his family being a dysfunctional hell-hole with Lucifer for parents. “I’m getting out of here. Want a ride to school, Brady’s driving today?” 

Regulus shakes his head much to Sirius’s surprise. Regulus was only fifteen and just got his permit. Most days he got a ride to school from Sirius or Brady, as he couldn’t drive. Was he planning on taking the bus to school? Sirius had never taken the bus before. He’s been driving ever since the day he turned sixteen and before that, Kreacher would drive him. Walburga says busses are for those who are too lazy to get jobs to save for cars and that none of her kids should ride such germ-ridden vehicles.

“Nah, did you check the group chat? The boys from the team are gonna give me a ride today. Thanks, though”, Regulus says.

Sirius and Regulus were some sorts of a legend at Hogwarts High. They were handsome, wealthy, and both played on the football team, leaving girls drooling puddles. While Regulus was more of a typical jock, wearing his letterman jacket around and traveling in packs of other jocks, Sirius preferred to adorn a leather jacket and ride a motorcycle. Good-looking, athletic, mysterious, and a bad-boy, Sirius was all a teenaged girl could ask for. He was straight from a young adult novel… the only issue was he wasn’t straight.

Sirius Black has known he was gay since he was fourteen years old. It was the summer between middle and high school and Sirius spent the majority of his time out in Remus Lupin’s backyard. Believe it or not, they used to be close in middle school. He would listen to Remus ramble about whatever book he was reading at the moment and watch him pull a cigarette between his chapped lips, inhaling and exhaling smoke for hours. Being around Remus made his stomach fill up with butterflies and his tongue turn to jelly, not knowing what to say next. His palms would sweat and he’d rub them against the clumps of grass growing in the grown. Sirius was hooked.

It was only when Remus started talking about girls that Sirius realized he was gay. The way Remus described girls he was interested in was the same way Sirius felt about Remus. He struggled to come to terms with his sexuality. Orion and Walburga were strict Christians and would throw Sirius out the second they found out about his sexuality. The entire family had disowned Uncle Alfred when he came out as gay and Andromeda when they found out she was bisexual. Sirius was not planning on being next. Living at Grimuald was like living in hell, but it was a roof over his head and food to eat. 

So Sirius did what at the time felt very logical. He stopped going by Remus’s house and signed up for the manliest, straightest sport he could think of, the second high school started. He got on the football team and ignored every text Remus sent him and the worried glances he shot in between classes in the hallways. He didn’t even stop Brady from making snide remarks about Remus in the locker rooms. Remus was a prime target for dicks like Brady to pick on. He was awkward-looking, quiet, poor, and studious. Any one of those characteristics would make you a contender for being bullied, but combine them all together and you were massively screwed.

The fight happened in the middle of freshman year. Remus had stopped reaching out to Sirius by then and befriended some other kids with too-big jeans and skateboards along with a bookish but fiery girl named Lily Evans. Brady had been picking on Remus that day, shoving him in the halls and saying nasty things to him. Remus ignored like he always did and continued on, not even looking in Sirius’s direction. Sirius was glad. He hated it when Brady picked on Remus, it was bad enough he ghosted Remus without explanation, and watching his ex-friend get bullied made him feel even worse. But Sirius never stood up to Brady, for more reasons than one. Sometimes Sirius felt like Brady owned him.

So when Brady knocked Remus’s lunch tray out of his hands during lunch and said, ‘I think I just ruined his only meal for the day, don’t you think Sirius?’, Sirius nodded and forced a laugh. He didn’t feel bad when Remus’s fist collided with his jaw, in fact, it felt good. Sirius knew he deserved it and relished with every blow. The more pain he felt, the less guilty he felt. He didn’t fight back much and truthfully he couldn’t have even if he wanted to. Sirius Black was not a fighter. He covered up his black eye with a concealer for a week. 

“I didn’t check. I slept in a bit”, Sirius says. “Why is there anything going on?”

Regulus shakes his head. “No, not anything important. They’re just talking about Brady’s party. Coach said no partying before the game next week, so they’re trying to figure out how to make sure Coach doesn’t find out. Tucker thinks if we all drink enough Gatorade, we won’t get hungover”.

Sirius was not looking forward to Brady’s party. Brady always got drunk at parties and when Brady got drunk he got aggressive. Sober Brady was enough to deal with already, always wanting to know where Sirius was, always telling Sirius what to do and what to post and who to hang out with. Drunk Brady was even worse, he constantly tried to get Sirius to slip away from the party but then later accuse Sirius of being too risky. He yelled and cursed. He was scary.

“I don’t know why he’s throwing a party a week before the game”, Sirius says, annoyed. His phone flashes a bright light, alerting Sirius to a new text message. It was from Brady.

**Brady: here. be out in five or else im leaving**

Sirius sighs and puts his phone away in his back pocket. “Gotta go, Reg. Brady’s here”. He stands up and grabs his book bag from the corner of the room. Regulus waves him off and returns back to his own phone. “See you later”. 

Brady honks his car as Sirius flies out the front door. Sirius runs faster towards the car, suddenly feeling queasy. Brady usually honked his car when Sirius was late and he was mad. Sirius opened the passenger seat door and took a seat next to Brady, putting his bag down by his feet. 

“Hi, Brady”, Sirius says softly.

Brady puts the car into drive. “Hi, Sirius”, he says. “Get a good night’s sleep?”

Sirius feels his nerves calm. Brady wasn’t mad. “It was okay, what about you?”

“I stayed up a bit, planning the party. I’ve gotta make it big since mom and dad are going to be out of the house the entire week. They leave tomorrow… so if you want…”, he trails his voice off suggestively and shots Sirius a smile from the side of his mouth. Even if he can be a major prick sometimes, Brady was awfully charming when he wants to be. His blue eyes twinkle with anticipation and he slides a hand on Sirius’s knee.

“I think I can come around after practice”, Sirius says with a slight smile. Brady smiles back but keeps his eyes on the road, sliding his hand further up Sirius’s leg. “But”, Sirius starts, feeling a bit confident, “I don’t know if I can make it to your party on Friday. I’ve got homework to do.”

While that wasn’t a lie, it was not the whole truth. Sirius did not want to go to Brady’s party because he did not want to deal with a drunk Brady. He did have a project for English, though, so it wasn’t a complete lie. 

Brady doesn’t respond to Sirius. He keeps his eyes steady on the road and thins his lips. Sirius fidgets with his fingers and taps his foot aghast the car floor, nervously waiting for a response. He hadn’t passed the line, had he? 

Brady pulls into the school parking lot and parks the car, slamming the breaks and sending Sirius lurching forward. He turns to Sirius and scowls. “You’re coming to my party, Sirius. It’s the one week my parents are out and I’ve got the house to myself. I’m throwing this party so that we can have fun together. Isn’t that what you wanted? To have more fun and lighten up?”

Sirius nods his head, recalling a conversation they had a few weeks ago in the locker rooms. Sirius had asked Brady if they could do more ‘fun boyfriend-ish things’. Brady had rolled his eyes at the time and said there wasn’t anything more that they could do without coming out and that was the end of the conversation. “Yeah”.

“Well now that I plan something fun for us, you want to skip out to do homework. It seems like nothing is good enough for you. I don’t understand”, Brady says coldly. He turns the keys in the wheel, turning the engine off. “Unless… unless you’re seeing somebody else. Are you seeing somebody else?”

Sirius shakes his head furiously. “No! No, Brady! Of course not! I’m only… it’s only you”.

“Good. I don’t want any other of those dirty boys putting their hands on you. You can’t trust people around here, they all want to take advantage of you. You’re lucky you have somebody like me to protect you from creepers”.

Sirius doesn’t comment on the fact that he was the only boy Brady has ever been with. As far as Sirius knew, Brady had limited interactions with other gay men. Even though they lived in the Portland suburbs, there were hardly any out gay teens running around. The only gay person Sirius knew other than himself was Brady, and they were both closeted. But Sirius doesn’t bring this up to Brady. In a way, Sirius is lucky to have Brady. Brady was the one who told Sirius that it was okay to be gay. Brady was Sirius’s first kiss and first boyfriend. Brady was everything. Sure he could be mean when he wanted to be, but he could also be sweet when he wanted to. People did have multiple dimensions to them after all.

“Alright, I’ll go to your party. I guess I can catch up on the English project some other time”, Sirius says.

Brady smiles at Sirius and Sirius is reminded of the reason why he fell for Brady in the first place.“Great, let’s go to class now”.

The boys roam the halls with their chest puffed out and book bags hanging off one shoulder, effortlessly looking cool. They greet people they know and wave to giggling girls, just to keep an image up. Even though Sirius wasn’t attracted to girls, he didn’t mind it when they gave him attention. Truthfully, Sirius liked attention of all kinds, as long as eyes were on him he didn’t care. It made him feel big and confident, something he rarely felt outside of school.

Sirius spots Remus coming down the hall before Brady can. He narrows his eyes at the boy, watching him talk to Lily Evans with a stack of books in his hand. He tugs at Brady’s jacket and says, “Look at him”. Brady smiles at Sirius and the two make their way over.

Ever since the fight in freshman year, Sirius and Remus’s tension only increased. Remus always had a jab to poke at Sirius and never hesitated to publicly embarrass Sirius. Over the years Sirius started to feel way less guilty about the way he treated Remus and after one snide remark too much, Sirius also joined in with the pettiness. Sirius and Remus had a mutual dislike for each other and you’d have to be blind not to see it.

“Nerd alert”, Sirius sneers before shoving Remus into a locker, causing him to drop all his books again.

“Black!” Lily shouts, her face heating up to a bright red. She opens her mouth to say something else but Remus cuts her off.

“How creative, Black. I thought that an honors student such as yourself would be able to come up with something more creative than ‘Nerd alert’. Or maybe McGonagall was right, maybe you should transfer to Standard English.” He bends down to pick up his books and Sirius has to stop himself from starring. Just because he hates the kid now doesn’t mean his ass got any less attractive.

“Isn’t that where the rest of your trash friends are?”

Remus rolls his eyes and stands up, books in hand, before giving Sirius a wry smile. “Am I trash or am I a nerd, Sirius? Make up your mind? It makes creating meaningful insults much easier when you’ve got a script”.

Sirius scowls. “Both”.

Remus shrugs. “Okay, works for me. See you later, trust fund”. Remus turns around and begins to walk away. Sirius knows he should just let him go, that it’s not worth it to constantly bicker, but he hates the way Remus never seems to care. Nothing Sirius says bothers Remus, there’s nothing that gets under Remus’s skin. Remus was meticulous with the feud, he never showed any emotions during an altercation but would later get Sirius back. It was frustrating. 

So Sirius decides to stoop low. “Tell your dad I said ‘hi’”, Sirius calls out. He knows it’s a low blow, but he can’t help it. It was guaranteed to get a reaction out of Remus, and it did.

Remus stops immediately and turns around, pale in the face. He looks at Sirius with a look of utter contempt, letting Sirius know he had gotten what he wanted. He had gotten to Remus.

“And tell _your_ mother I said hello and that I know places where people like her can go for help”. Remus turns and walks away with Lily and they both disappear in the crowd of kids, leaving Sirius with his mouth wide open.

The worst thing about hating Remus was that they used to be friends. They spent their entire time in middle school joking around, goofing off, and telling secrets. They both knew where to go to truly blow a fuse and get a knockout. Their previous friendship set a foundation for their current altercations and even though it had been years since their fallout, Sirius still knew Remus like the back of his own hand. And that was terrifying. 

Sirius’s fist clenches up and his heart pounds against his chest. ‘ _People like her_ ’. 

“C’mon, Sirius. Let’s get out of here”, Brady says. Brady knew all about Sirius’s home life, he was one of two people Sirius ever told about his mom. Brady even knew about the affair. He had been so good to Sirius when the news first got out, taking him on night-time drives to distract him and being extra affectionate.

Bradys drags Sirius away and whispers, “Tomorrow when you come over I’ll give you such a good time you won’t even remember any of this happening”. Sirius smiles at Brady and allows himself to be dragged away to class, all thoughts of Remus and his alcoholic mother slipping away. Brady was too good for Sirius.

  
**_~Thursday~_**

“I’m thoroughly impressed”, a young man no older than twenty-five in a grey knit sweater says with a smile. The man was Gary Romero and Remus had been seeing him for five months now with hopefully only a month left to go. If Remus played his cards right, he’d never have to see this man again. It’s not like Remus didn’t like Gary, rather it was the circumstances he had to see Gary that he hated.

Gary slips the yellow folder in between his fingers and opens it up, glancing over its contents. “Your English teacher wrote saying that your one of her favorite students and your Pre Calc teacher says that you’re faster than a calculator. Your Sophomore year transcripts came in today and I was shocked when I read through them. You got straight A’s!”

Remus fights the urge to smile slyly or roll his eyes. Of course he got straight A’s, was that so hard to believe? He spent hours doing his homework after school and woke up an hour early every day just to study. Why did everybody think Remus was some miracle case? 

“So if I keep up my grades and stay out of trouble, do you think I’d still have a good shot at getting into a University?” Remus asks. Gary’s smile falters and he scratches the back of his head.

“Well… You’d have one compelling essay, that’s for sure”, Gary says. He sighs and drops the happy-go-lucky act. “I’m not going to lie, it’s going to be hard to get Universities to consider somebody like…”, he stops himself, reconsidering his words. _Somebody like you_. Remus knew what Gary was going to say and he knew it was the truth. It would be hard for somebody like him to do a lot of things.

“But it wasn’t drug-related. And Common App only cares if it was drug-related, right?” 

Gary nods his head slowly. “In some aspects… Look, Remus, you’re a smart kid, I’ve got all these notes from your teachers and your report card to prove it. You know it’s going to be hard no matter what and to top it off you don’t have the cleanest record. But I believe if you are upfront about your past in your applications, you’ll be sure to get in somewhere. Most Universities around here will ask if you’ve been arrested or convicted of a crime, both of which you have been. But if you keep your nose clean and continue to do well in school, I’m sure you can charm some administration officers. Administration officers love a good redemption story.”

“So look, as long as you keep on getting good notes from your teachers and people to vouch for you, you should be fine. Just keep getting good grades, keep up with Mathletes, and stay out of trouble”, he says the last part firmly and his eyes shoot up to the analog clock hanging in the back of the cramped office. They only had five minutes left.

“You’re a good kid, you were just doing bad things. Most people won’t punish you for things you did when you were fifteen.”

Remus offers a shy smile. He knew it wasn’t completely true, people have been punishing him for things he didn’t even do his entire life. But he doesn’t say that. There was no need to bring Gary down. Gary was young, new to the job, and genuinely interested in helping kids. Give him a few more years and a few more cases that were rougher than Remus’s and he’ll lose that smile and forgiving attitude. 

“Now I’ve got some things I’d like to talk to you about before we leave here. I’ve got to ask you some questions and I need you to answer honestly”, Gary says in his professional voice, reminding Remus that no matter how optimistic and friendly Gary was, he was still a probation officer and had a job to do.

“Alright”. Remus tugs at the hem of his flannel like he always does when he gets a bit nervous. “I’ll be honest”. 

“Okay, have you left the state of Oregon since the last time we met?”

Remus shakes his head. The instate-order didn’t really affect Remus. He couldn’t leave Oregon even if he wanted to. He didn’t have a car or enough money on hand to get enough bus tickets to leave the state. The only time he ever had to travel out of state was for Mathletes, but they hadn’t had a competition since the end of Sophomore year and Remus had talked to Ms.Vector and gotten out of it. 

Remus didn’t even have to lie when he said, “No.”

Gary nods and writes something down on a white paper. In their weekly meeting, Gary always asked Remus the same questions and got the same answers. He never questions the truthfulness of Remus’s answers, and Remus thinks that Gary should be a bit more intrusive. But Gary appeared to be more interested in gaining Remus’s trust and wouldn’t even dig too deep. It was almost like he was scared of upsetting Remus. Either that or he genuinely believed Remus. Gary was new, so he probably got all the easy cases, Remus being one of them. Maybe Gary truly believed that Remus was a straight-A goody goody who just happened to make a bad decision that would stain his records. Remus is happy to let him believe that.

“And you’ve been staying away from alcohol and other drugs?”

Remus nods. “Yes”. 

Gary raises his eyebrows and purses his lips, looking at Remus with a shred of doubt. Remus stares back at Gary with a blank expression, trying to hide his nerves. His hands get clammy and his heart speeds up, but he doesn’t dare show any emotion. 

“Alright. I believe you. Last question. Have you stolen anything since the last time we met?”

Remus shakes his head. “No, I haven’t stolen anything since March”. There were no nerves this time. It was the truth. 

Gary smiles at Remus, dropping the stern, professional demeanor. He writes something down on the white paper again before putting it in the yellow folder. “Great. You’ve been making a lot of progress, Remus. Although I must say, you were never too far gone to begin with.” Gary clicks his tongue and shakes his head. “There are _some_ kids here that really push my buttons”, he says bitterly. 

“But you’ve always been respectful and you seem to want to build a nice life for yourself. You’ve stayed out of trouble for the last five months we’ve been meeting with each other, so I think for the rest of our time together, we don’t have to meet as often. Maybe just once a month”.

Remus feels his heart drop. He had been hoping to get off early, six months and done like what Ricky did. Remus didn’t like being on probation. He didn’t need a probation officer to ‘guide’ him or help him stay out of trouble or whatever they were supposed to do. He could do that himself. Another reason why Remus hated being on Probation was the fact that it was terribly embarrassing. Most teachers have high expectations of Remus and viewed him as a model student; taking all honors and Ap classes, on Mathletes, and friends with Lily Evans, another model student. So it was extremely embarrassing when he had to explain to Ms.Vector that he couldn’t travel to Seattle for the end of the school Mathlete competition because his probation officer wouldn’t let him travel out of state. Ms.Vector had actually thought he was joking because surely Remus Lupin, the straight-A student and mathlete couldn’t have been on probation. Being on Probation was also a giant waste of time. Remus could be doing homework, or working, or hanging out with friends right now.

So excuse Remus if he was sick and tired of being on probation. He hated talking about the same shit every week and trying to reassure people that he was doing fine. He was fine and he didn’t need anybody to help him along. 

“Okay, once a month”, Remus says, parroting Gary. He tried to keep his disappointment out of his voice.

“Instead of you reporting here once a week, I’d like it if you went to a meeting for people with similar issues as yourself”. He said it like it was a suggestion, but Remus knew it wasn’t. Great. He now had something else to worry about. 

“What do you mean?” Remus asks sharply. 

Gary bites his lip and taps against his desk nervously. “You are going to attend Shoplifters Anonymous meetings every Saturday morning for the next seven months until your probation sentence is finished. Do you understand?”

Remus blinks. “Okay”, he sighs. 

He couldn’t exactly say no to Gary. Anything Gary said, Remus had to do unless he wanted to go to juvie and Remus did _not_ want to go to juvie. But that also didn’t mean that Remus wanted to go to Shoplifters Anonymous either. Remus was not a kleptomaniac, he was just caught up at the wrong time with the wrong things. He didn’t _need_ to go to Shoplifters Anonymous and didn’t want to either. Saturday mornings were for skating, doing homework, and hanging out with friends, not attending meetings for a problem Remus doesn’t even have.

“I’ll give you the address and time for the meetings. I’d like you to attend starting this week. I’ve already talked to the adviser of the program and asked her to keep an eye on you, so I’ll know if you are skipping the meetings. Not that I think you would, but just letting you know.” He hands Remus a business card with the Shoplifting Anonymous details and checks the clock again. “Our time here is up. Do you have any parting questions?”

Remus shifts in his seat. He did have one question, all though it was completely off-topic and irrelevant to his ‘growth’. But Remus had promised Lily, so he sighs and nods. “Yes. I have a question about um… I know you're a probation officer, but do you maybe know of any resources for people that run away?”

Gary frowns. “You’re not thinking of running away, are you?”

“No. Just asking for a friend”, Remus says quickly.

“Well then. there are resources for locating missing teens, but they have to be a minor. Is this friend of yours under eighteen?”

Remus screws his face up, trying to rack his brain. Was Petunia eighteen? She was, wasn’t she? Two years older than Lily, which would make her exactly eighteen. “No, she’s eighteen”.

Gary gives Remus a sympathetic look and sighs. “I’m sorry. Maybe you should try filing a missing persons report with your local police station”.

Remus shrugs and scoots his chair away from Gary’s desk. The sun was going down and yellows, oranges, and reds dissolved in the setting sky. It was getting rather late and Remus’s mom liked it when Remus got home before dark. He had an English project to work on with Lily and he had the closing shift at the Dinner. He’d have to leave now if he wanted to catch the bus on time.

“I’ll think about it. Anyways, I should leave now. Got some homework to do”. Remus slings his book bag over his shoulder and pushes the chair back in. “See you in a month, Mr.Romero”.

Gary smiles at Remus and waves him off. “Stay out of trouble”.

Remus nods. Fat chance.

Two buses and a ten-minute walk later, Remus busts open the front door to his house. He walks into the living room and throws down his book bag on the stiff green couch before heading into the conjoined kitchen to find something to eat. He opens the fridge and frowns when he sees nothing but a jar of pickles and a carton of eggs. Hope had been working night shifts recently, leaving her unable to make dinner or grocery store runs regularly. Remus would bring something back from the Dinner for her and when he got paid he’d take a trip to the grocery store. 

Remus finds a can of tomato soup under the sink and cracks it open after checking the expiration date. He dumps it in a pot and heats it up over the stovetop. Lily would be sure to pop in soon for the project, so he takes two bowls out from the cabinet. Lily loves tomato soup. 

They didn’t have any cheese, but there was a loaf of bread in the cabinet next to the bowls. Remus takes two slices out and cuts them into halves before popping them into the toaster. 

While waiting for the soup to heat up and the bread to toast, Remus jumps onto the ledge of the kitchen counter. He pulls a pack of cigarettes and a green lighter out from the pocket of his flannel and takes a cigarette out before positioning the cigarette in between his lips. He takes a deep drag and exhales the smoke slowly, letting it expand throughout the kitchen.

The toast pops out of the toaster the same time the front door opens. Lily’s over enough to be past the point of knocking on the front door, she smiles at Remus before throwing her school bag on the couch next to Remus’s and strolls into the kitchen. 

“Hey, Remus”. She glances over at the stovetop and the toast that had fallen onto the counter. “Whatcha doing?”

Remus chuckles a bit before hopping off the counter and making his way over to the stove. Small, creamy bubbles began to form at the rim of the pot, letting Remus know that the soup was thoroughly heated. He turns off the stove and starts dumping the soup into the two bowls with his cigarette in his mouth.

“Making us soup. There’s some toast on the counter. It popped out of the toaster”, he mumbles. Some ash flickers into the soup as he finishes pouring the soup into one last bowl. “Fuck, I ashed in this one. I’ll eat it”, he says more to himself than to anybody else. He hands a bowl to Lily and grabs her a spoon.

“Thanks, Remus”. They make their way to the stiff green couch and sit down, balancing their bowls of soup on their laps before placing them on the coffee table. Lily starts rummaging for something in her school bag and says, “How was your meeting with Gary?”

Remus groans and takes a bite of the soup. Lily was one of two people that Remus willingly told about his probation, mostly because Lily was there when he got arrested. They had been roaming around Gordics’s Hollow Mall when a particularly nice bracelet caught Lily’s eye in a J.C. Penny. It was right about the time Petunia first ran away and Ms.Evans was at her wit's end trying to track down Petunia. Lily had told Remus that she wished she could afford the bracelet to give as a gift for her mother, and Remus dumbly suggested she steal it. There weren’t any cameras around and the bracelet was out on display. It would be an easy steal.

Remus hadn’t ever been much of a shoplifter. Sure, he had nicked a few soft drinks or candy bars in his time, but he had never stolen anything of any value. It was a dumb idea that he had suggested not thinking Lily would actually follow through with. But she did.

She slipped the bracelet off the display and slid it into one of her shopping bags. When they walked out of the store, the sensors by the door light up and released an obnoxious beeping noise. Lily had been terrified. She was shaking and on the verge of tears, mumbling almost incoherently about how this was the last thing her mother needed. 

So Remus did what seemed like a good idea at the time, he snatched the bag with the bracelet out of her hands and took the fall for it. 

He had been arrested before. It would’ve been different if it was his first run-in with the law, but it wasn’t. He was hanging out with some friends from the skate park, smoking cigarettes behind the school and watching Ricky and Jake spray paint one of the brick walls with cheap spray paint they bought from Home Depot, when the school janitor, Mr.Filch, caught them. For such a tattered and frail-looking man, he sure had some pipes on him. Remus’s ears rang for days after Filch got done yelling at them. He called the cops and all of them got arrested. Remus didn’t get charged with anything as he didn’t partake in any of the vandalism, but he still got his name on an arrest-log.

So between the hefty price of the bracelet and his name already on an arrest log, he didn’t get off with a slap on the wrist. There was a fine of an undisclosed number (Hope wouldn’t tell him) and he got a year on probation. 

“It was fine, the usual. I asked about Petunia’s situation, but they can’t do anything about her since she’s eighteen. I’m sorry”.

Lily shrugs, a flash of anger flickers through her green eyes. “It’s fine. I don’t really care if she comes home or not, but mom’ll be upset when I tell her the news. Anyways, what else happened?” 

“Gary asked me a bunch of bullshit questions, I lied my way through half of them, and now he’s making me go to some Shoplifting Anonymous meetings on Saturdays”, Remus seethes.

Lily pouts her lips before inhaling sharply. Remus knows exactly what she’s about to say, she says it each week when he gets back from his meetings with Gary. “I’m sorry Remus, it’s my fault your going to those dumb meetings”.

Remus waves her off and shakes his head. “It’s really not, Lily. It was my idea, a dumb one at that, and if I hadn’t opened my stupid mouth, I wouldn’t have landed myself in this mess. Plus, it’s the least I could do. You saved my life. I owe you so much more than a year’s worth of probation”.

Lily frowns, her dark eyebrows furrowing deeply and her nose scrunching up with distaste. She brushes a strand of her auburn hair behind her ear and sighs, most likely thinking about that chilly December evening. “You don’t owe me anything, Remus”, she says softly while not quite meeting Remus’s eyes. She grabs her share of the tomato soup and dips her spoon into it. “The only person you owe anything to is yourself.”

Remus chuckles. He didn’t deserve Lily. She always knew what to say and when to say it. But this time she was wrong. Remus didn’t owe himself anything. All he did was make other people’s lives harder. He stubs out his cigarette on an ashtray on the table in front of the couch and grabs his bookbag. 

“Let’s get started on this fucking project”, he groans while taking out his folder and the novel they were reading in class. It was ‘The Outsiders’ by S.E. Hinton. Remus had read it in one day, it wasn’t an exceptionally long nor hard book to read. Its sentences were simple and often consisted of improper grammar. It was the plot that hooked a lot of students. Most of the girls in first period Honors English 11 were absolutely smitten with the book, but Remus didn’t understand what all the hype was all about. There was nothing impressive about the book.

“Okay, well first we have to decide what our theme of the book is. I personally think it has to do with what Cherry said at the beginning of the book about how things are-”

“Rough all over, I know”, Remus sneers, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. Things weren’t rough all over. There were people out there who were suffering and there were people sitting on their high horses thinking they were suffering. Cherry Valance had nothing on Ponyboy Curtis. 

Remus unzips the front pocket of his bookbag and feels around for his dab pen. He feels the cold smooth metal pen and pulls it out of the bag. He takes a hit of it before tossing it to Lily.

Lily looks down at the pen and scowls. “Remus, we’re not getting high to do this project!” She screeches. She gives Remus one of her infamous ‘you-better-put-that-away’ glares and clicks her tongue.

“It’s a bullshit project about a bullshit book. I’m not going to sit here sober and write about how things are ‘rough all over’ or whatever the fuck the book says when it’s evident _some_ people have _bigger_ problems than others.”

Lily throws the pen back at Remus before crossing her arms and giving Remus a stern look. “Well, I think the book is charming. Believe it or not, Remus, but things _are_ rough all over, and if you can’t see that maybe you aren’t looking hard enough.”

“And what exactly am I supposed to be looking at?” He pauses to take another hit of the dab pen. “Let’s take Sirius Black for an example. He bullies people and causes trouble all because he doesn’t get along with mommy and daddy meanwhile he’s never had to work a day in his life and is waited on hand and foot at his fucking mansion. He thinks his life is hard because his mom is an alcoholic. Sure that’s bad, and I feel bad for the kid, but there are tons of people out there who have it worse and he acts like he is the only person in the world feeling pain of any kind. So excuse me if I can’t sympathize with people like Sirius Black.”

“Right, I agree with you. Sirius Black is a complete dickhead who can’t see straight because he’s so far up his own ass, but Sirius is just one person who happens to be rich and a dick. I’m sure there are much better examples to prove that things truly are rough all over. Like Cherry Valance”.

“I see no difference between Sirius Black and Cherry Valance. Both of them are rich kids that rolled around with the rough poor kids for a while before deciding it’s not for them. Cherry gets into that mustang and tells Ponyboy not to say hi to her in the halls… She’s a fucking bitch.”

Lily sighs, her defense faltering. “Fine. Hand over the pen”. Remus tosses the pen and she takes a deep hit of it. “Let’s just get this fucking project over with”.

**_~Friday~_ **

The party was a bust. Peter had led James around the large McMansion, introducing him to anybody and everybody willing to spare them five seconds of their time. Eventually, Peter asked James to make them some drinks, and James stumbled off to the drink table to fill Peter’s request. James used to go to lots of parties in California, but he never drank because of soccer, so all of this drink mixing was new to him. He decided to pour some punch and mix in some vodka for some liquid courage.

While he was pouring the drinks, he heard a rough, raspy voice from behind him say, “Brady, I’m leaving. You’re already drunk”. 

Another voice said, “You’re not fucking leaving Sirius, stay a little while”.

James started to pour the drinks slower, watching the red punch drip into the red solo cup.

“You used to be fun, Brady.”

“Hey, hey”, Brady growled. 

James heard a soft yelp and Sirius said, “Ow, Brady. You’re hurting me”. James then heard footsteps approaching him. They grew louder and James quickly finished up making the drinks. He didn’t want to seem like he was eavesdropping. He picked up the two drinks and turned around, just to hit Sirius Black square in the chest with one of the cups.

Sirius looked at James with a look of utter contempt. Clouds passed through his grey eyes and his face stilled. For a second James seriously thought he was going to get punched in the face. 

“Great”, was all Sirius said. He pushed James out of the way before giving him one last sharp look. “You heard nothing’, he warned.

It took him ten whole minutes to find Peter again. He was talking to some short girl with long black hair and big chocolaty eyes. James vaguely heard the words. “Let’s get out of here” and “What about your friend?” and “I’m only showing him around because he’s new. I’m sure he’s found some other people to hang around with by now”. He watched as the pair stumbled out of the room, zig-zagging in between sweaty teenagers.

James looked down at the two cups in his hand and decided to chug on. The alcohol burned a bit more than James had expected it to but he didn’t care. He dumped the empty cup on the floor before heading out front. 

He walked all the way home thinking about California.


	2. Stay Weird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys head to their first Shoplifting Anonymous meeting and get a surprise when James suggests an outlandish challenge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Just wanna pop in and say hey. If you like the story so far, please leave a kudos or comment if you're feeling extra generous hahaha
> 
> Anyways, I wanna thank you if you are still reading and I hope you enjoy the story. Once again I would like to apologize if there are any discrepancies regarding any details about Portland. I live thousands of miles away and have no clue what the weather actually is like there hahaha. Please feel free to leave any constructive criticism regarding any inaccuracies.
> 
> Chapter title is a direct quote from the show 'Trinkets'. It was one of Moe's lines. Oh and if anyone is wondering who is based on who in this fic, James is Elodie, Sirius is Tabitha, and Remus is Moe. Of course, I've changed the characterization a bit to better fit the characters, but some things are still the same. Sirius and Tabitha are both rich with unstable home lives and in abusive relationships. James and Elodie both lost their parents and are quiet (although James wasn't originally quite like Elodie was and he's coming out of his shell soon). And Remus and Moe are both really academic, witty, and are poorer than the rest of their friends.

James walks into his first meeting of Shoplifting Anonymous with very low expectations. The building that hosts the meetings was fifteen minutes away from where James lived and the drive had allowed for a very awkward fifteen minutes of silence. During the drive, bitter thoughts passed through his head and he felt himself boil with resentment towards the world. He felt anger towards his father for forcing him to attend these meetings, angry at Jenna for even suggesting it to him, and angry at the meetings themselves. In the month or two since his mother passed, shoplifting was one of the only solaces James could find. How dare they try to take his only comfort away from him.

Now that James was actually here, he didn’t know how to feel. There were lines of gray fold-out chairs, the metal kind that makes you feel stiff after sitting in them for only 10 minutes, and a podium in the front of the room. There was a large chalkboard against the wall and it had “Shoplifting Anonymous” written on it in flaky chalk. There was a wooden table in the back with a red tablecloth and a selection of snack foods rest upon it. The room was already starting to fill up, and the front two rows of chairs were already taken.

James takes a seat in the back row and scrolls on his phone. He debates putting in some earbuds and listening to the “Soft Vibes” playlist by Cherry_3_Vans again before deciding against it. There were only two minutes left until the meeting will officially begin, so he plays a quick game of subway surfers instead.

When he looks up from his phone, he is surprised to see a few familiar faces. Sitting further down to his right was none other than Sirius Black. Sirius glances over at James and growls lightly, possibly remembering the eavesdropping and split drink. James cringes, remembering it too, and fights the urge to apologize. He adverse his gaze from Sirius and looks to his left to see Remus Lupin in that same red flannel and his legs folded across each other. Why did James constantly run into these two?

After recovering from the initial shock of seeing his two classmates, James begins to wonder why they were there. He heard from Peter that Sirius belonged to a wealthy family and was the heir to a large conglomerate, but his family sent him off to the public school because they thought it would encourage ‘social-economic relations’. Apparently, it was all the rage for wealthy families to send their children to public high schools at the moment. It was trendy. But improving social-economic relations didn’t explain why Sirius Black was sitting in a Shoplifting Anonymous meeting. If he was so wealthy, why did he steal? Then again, James came from a well-off family. His father was a doctor and he lived in an upper-middle-class neighborhood. Even before James moved in with his father, his mother had been a nurse and made decent pay. So maybe Sirius was here for The same reason James was. The thrill.

Remus Lupin James could understand only slightly more than Sirius. Peter told him that Remus was one of the school’s top students. His GPA was double what most kids’ were and he was a part of the mathletes. Why would a kid as smart as him get caught up shoplifting? But with the way his jeans were always tattered and the lack of variation in his outfits, maybe Remus was not that well off. Maybe his appearance wasn’t a grunge aesthetic choice, rather a lack of money choice. Maybe he stole out of necessity.

James doesn’t have a whole lot of time to ponder the backstory between his classmate’s attendance. A woman who appeared to be in her mid-40s with mid length brown hair soon takes the podium and silence falls among the room. James looks up at her and watches her patiently as she rummages through some papers. 

“Hi, I’m Cindy. Welcome to shoplifting anonymous! Our organization is focused on providing comfort and stability for people who find themselves tempted to shoplift. I see that we have a lot of new faces in the crowd, would anybody like to introduce themselves?“

James sinks into his chair, trying to make himself look small. He was not in the mood to introduce himself, much like how he was in his English class earlier this week. Cindy looks at James before looking around the room at some of the other participants. Eventually, A young woman steps up and takes the stand. 

“Hi, I am Elizabeth”, the entire room says “Hi Elizabeth” in drowned voices. Elizabeth smiles nervously before continuing. “I’ve been addicted to shoplifting for two years now. I finally decided to reach out and get help and somebody recommended this organization.”

People step up to the podium, introduce themselves, before stepping down for what feels like an eternity. They all share their stories to varying degrees. Some people simply state their name and the reason why they are attending the meetings while others go into their entire backstories. Some people are returning members, while others are new, just like James. The only two other people who do not offer to introduce themselves are Sirius and Remus. Both boys stare at the podium with looks of utter contempt. It’s as if they don’t want to be here just as much as James does.

Cindy takes the podium again and gives the room a sickeningly sweet smile.

“Is there anybody else that would like to introduce themselves?” She asks, her eyes flickering between James, Sirius, and Remus. Her eyes linger a bit longer on James and light up as he stands up, trudging towards the podium. Cindy looks delighted.

He clears his throat and cracks his knuckles. James used to be great at public speaking. He used to love attention on him, but now, he felt the burning gaze of fifteen kleptomaniacs and the urge to run out of the meeting and hide under his bed like a scared little kid. “I don’t really know what to say“, he stutters.

Cindy gives him an encouraging smile. “How about you start with your name?” She suggests. 

James sighs and shrugs. “Hi, I’m James”.

“Hi James”

He stands there awkwardly, shifting on his feet and staring into the crowd. Every instinct he has telling him to run, but he stays firmly planted with his hands shaking and nerves rushing throughout his veins. If only he could get some of that courage that once seems never-ending. The kind of courage you get after you’ve won a soccer game for your team and everybody pats you on the back. The kind of confidence that James used to exhibit when he would stroll down the halls with his chest proudly puffed and a group of smiling boys around him. But right now, James felt small. He felt like he couldn’t do anything, just like how he felt in hospice. He felt the same helplessness he had felt during the summer when he watched his mother rapidly deteriorate from Stage Four Breast Cancer. 

Cindy catches on to his uncomfortableness and offers him another one of her sweet smiles. “Why don’t you tell us about the first time you stole?”

James takes a shaky breath and nods. He could do that.“Yeah, okay. It was a few months ago, it was an accident actually”, he chuckles a bit, even though it wasn’t funny. “I accidentally took a piece of candy from a hospital cafeteria. I had already left when I felt it in my pocket and I considered going back to return it or pay for it… but I sort of felt like it was a gift. If there are forces that can take things from you, there should also be forces that give you things for free.” 

He finishes with a gulp and ducks his head before stepping down from the podium. He makes his way back over to his seat, aware of the eyes on him. He thinks he sees Sirius Black nod his head at him, like a peace offering of some sorts, but chooses to ignore it. He sits back down at his seat and looks back up at the podium where Cindy is. She says some final words before calling the meeting and directing everybody to the snack table in the back of the room. 

James wastes no time making his way to the snack table. The least he could get out of this meeting with some free food. He grabs an Oreo and takes a bite of it, separating the wafer and creme in his mouth and chewing slowly. Oreos from Shoplifting Anonymous meetings definitely tasted better than ones bought from the store, but would they taste better than stolen Oreos?

“New kid, right?” 

James jumps and turns around to see Remus Lupin by his side. His eyes are fixed on a bowl of potato chips and he grabs a handful of them, popping them into his mouth with a _crunch_. 

“Yeah, I’m James”, James says. 

“Yeah, I know”. Remus takes another bite of potato chips and stares vaguely in James’s direction. “I heard your little speech. It was really inspiring, you really packed the emotions. I’m Remus, by the way. Oh! Oreos, I love Oreos”, he takes a copious amount of Oreos and puts them in the pocket of his flannel, taking one out to eat. 

“Munchies much?” another voice says, cooly. James looks up and sees Sirius Black on the other side of the table, looking at both boys with a mixture of amusement and distaste. His leather jacket gleams in the morning sun, complementing his long black hair. He looks like the stereotypical bad boy from a romantic comedy, it was only fitting that James meets him at a meeting for shoplifting addicts. 

“Fuck off Black”, Remus says through a mouthful of Oreos. “Didn’t take you much for a shoplifter. Thought you had enough cash to wipe your ass with a hundred dollar bills. I guess it’s just a rich people thing, always feeling unsatisfied with their life and seeking out other… _vices_ ”, he adds with a chuckle.

Sirius stiffens at Remus’s comment. “Like you can talk. Seems like it runs in your family”.

Remus shrugs, looking unamused. “Maybe.” He turns to James and claps him on the shoulder like a friend might. “Nice meeting you James, I’ll catch you around. You’re dirty little secrets safe with me”. He waggles his eyebrows before heading out of the door, leaving James all alone with Sirius.

Sirius looks at James, his grey eyes piercing into James’s brown. He curls his lip and points an accusatory finger at James. “Just so we’re aware, _this_ ”, he points to the room around them, “didn’t happen”. He grabs an Oreo and storms out of the room.

James sighs in relief. He slips his phone out of his pocket and checks the time. 11:28 am. He had time.

He leaves the building shortly after, not wanting to spend any more time in the stuffy room that he had to. He steps outside onto Main Street and strolls around with his hands in his pockets and his eyes wildly glancing between surrounding stores and the sidewalk in front of him. He spots a store with mannequins wearing sweatshirts in the display glass and decides to enter, hoping to find something worthy to take home. 

The inside of the store is lined with skateboards of all shapes sizes and colors on the wall and racks of sweatshirts, sweatpants, and graphic tees in the middle of the store. James walks around, his fingers brushing against the clothing and his eyes searching for something easy to nick. He walks around the store once when the door opens again and Remus Lupin walks in. James stifles his surprise. He should honestly be expecting it at this point, it seemed like the universe constantly fat James in a similar orbit to Remus and Sirius. They were always bumping into each other.

Remus quickly recognizes James and smiles at him before walking towards him. “I promise I’m not stalking you”, he says, throwing his hands up.

James smiles and shakes his head. “Don’t worry, I didn’t think you were”.

“That’s good, wouldn’t want you calling the cops on me”. He hooks his thumbs in his front pockets and tilts his head. “So, you’re from California, right? I heard you tell McGonagall the other day about it”.

James nods, remembering his first day. “Yeah”.

“Well get used to having no sun and it raining every other fucking day”, Remus groans. “It never stops raining.”

“Is it really that bad?” James asks with mild concern. In the month or so he’s been in Portland, there were approximately three days of pure sunshine. He hopes that this month was a particularly cloudly one, but he starts to doubt that as more and more people inform him of the lack of sun.

Remus nods his head furiously. “Yeah, and don’t even get me started on the people here”. He rolls his eyes. “Everybody is obsessed with keeping Portland weird. It’s oppressive”.

James thinks it awfully thick for Remus to say that as he was the detention of weird, but he decided to let it slide. “Life’s oppressive”, he says with a small smile. 

Remus quirks an eyebrow. “Is that why you started stealing? Wanted to say a fuck you to capitalism but got a little too confident and landed your ass in some shopping AA class?”

James pauses. He didn’t want to go into the real reason why he started stealing, but at the same time, he didn’t want to seem like some wanna-be-punk that stole for shits and giggles. So instead he says “We sound like a bunch of chicks, talking about our feelings and shit.” He eyes a yellow sweatshirt with brown tassels and takes a few steps towards it. “Instead of playing twenty-one questions, I’ll show _you_ a fuck you to capitalism”, he says, feeling a bit of the cockiness he used to have all the time. 

Remus smiles. “Is that a challenge?” 

James shrugs. “If you want to make it one. Wanna see who’s Hogwarts High’s greatest thief?”

“You’re on, James”, Remus says, a look of determination flashing through his red-rimmed eyes.

James laces his fingers between the price tag of the yellow sweatshirt. $49.99. “We meet back up in front of here in thirty minutes and show our loot… too bad Sirius isn’t here, he’d complete the klepto-trio”.

Remus lights up, a mischievous grin taking hold of his face. He flicks his phone out of his pocket. “Oh don’t worry, he’ll be here”.

***

Sirius’s phone blares. A few heads in the coffee shop turn and give him dirty looks and he waves them off. He grabs his coffee when his name is called and heads out the door of the shop. 

Once outside in fresh air, he leans against the wall and takes a sip of his steaming coffee before checking his phone.

**Remus:**

**meet us at the skate store on fourth street.**

Sirius stares at the message for a few minutes, just gawking at it. It had been nearly two years since Remus had texted him. He didn’t even ask who ‘us’ was or why Remus wanted to meet with him. His thumbs flew to type out the answer.

**Sirius:**

**okay. be there in ten.**

He slips his phone back into the pocket of his ripped jeans before walking down the sidewalk. He knew exactly where the skate store was because he used to tag-along with Remus into the city and watch him drool at the skateboards. Remus had always wanted a board but could never afford it, but he always liked to look at the skateboards anyways, just to imagine what he could do if he had one. Sometime after Sirius joined the football team Remus got aboard. Sirius was glad he did. 

By the time he reaches the skate store, he had two sips worth of coffee left in his cup and a small sweat going on. He enters the store and immediately gets hit with memories of being fourteen and crushing on his best friend. He remembers all the inside jokes, all the laughs, and all the secrets shared. It was strangely nostalgic but bitter.

Remus and James stand in the corner of the store by a wall lined with skateboards, talking idly. So this was the ‘us’ Remus was referring to. He walks up to the two boys attempting to look confident, trying to puff his chest out, and look bored.

“What do you all want?” Sirius asks, his voice firm and cold. James gives him a catious look, almost looking scared. Maybe Sirius was being too hard on the kid. It wasn’t James’s fault that he spilled his drink on him. But Sirius has a reputation to uphold, and being caught at a Shoplifting Anonymous meeting was already putting him at a disadvantage and leaving James with ample information on him.

Remus rolls his eyes. “We’ve got a challenge for you if you care to hear it”, he says, antagonization dripping in his voice.

Sirius quirks an eyebrow. If there was one thing Sirius Black could never turn down, it was a challenge. Unfortunately, Sirius’s ambition often led him into getting in trouble, talking back to teachers, getting even with pesky freshmen, and drunken fights at parties. If somebody challenged Sirius, he would not back down, even if it meant getting in a little trouble. Even if it was his own parents challenging him, Sirius would always quip back, needing to get the last word. Oftentimes this led to ‘physical discipline’, but to Sirius, it was worth it. He wouldn’t take anything laying down.

“You know I’m in, Lupin. Spit it out now, let’s see what you were thinking off”, Sirius muses, feeling intrigued. Anything involving Remus was sure to be interesting and with this Potter kid in the mix, who knows what could happen?

“Actually, it was James’s idea”, Remus explains. He smiles and nods his head towards James, gesturing for him to continue. Sirius gives James a questioning look, which makes James’s eyes widen.

“Um… yeah”, he stutters. He pushes his glasses up against his nose and glups.“We go out separate ways and sees who can get the best loot”.

Sirius smiles pleasantly, taken back by James’s proposition. Who knew that oversize hoodie, circle glass wearing, quiet James Potter would be such a daredevil? 

“And how do we account for taste?” Sirius asks, all-knowing about taste. Sirius’s taste was leather, studs, and anything bold enough to make his mother squeal. Surely the other two boys would have much different ideas about what ‘taste’ was. James looks the type to think anime merch and Vans was better than name-brand anything while Remus probably would value a pack of cigarettes over anything. 

“Highest price tag wins”, James offers, his voice steady and the most confident Sirius has heard. He gives Sirius a look of determination from behind his glasses. “All good?”

“All good”, Sirius confirms.

They all go their separate ways, Remus leaving the store first. Sirius walks around the store once before leaving, nothing catching his interest. However, he notices that James stays in the store and that he was eyeing a particular hoodie. That was fine by Sirius. He could steal something much more expensive than a hoodie. He walks down a few streets before entering a run-down record store called “Thunder Vintage”.

The store was primarily a record store, selling used and new vinyl. There is also a small selection of CDs and a boutique in the back of the store. Sirius immediately heads to the boutique. It was his favorite place to shop for clothing. Small designers from all around the city could sell their clothing at the boutique, leaving an abundance of unique pieces for sale. Some pieces leaned more towards the hippie side, BoHo chic with soft flower designs and bright colors. Others were more punkish, torn, frayed, and adorned with paper clips. Sirius preferred the punk clothing much more. It better suited his style.

He feels bad for stealing from a small business, so he makes sure to take note of the artists’ contact information on the tag. He finds a sleek pair of leather paints with numerous zippers and plaid patches along the legs and checks the tag. Luckily the designer left their PayPal information on the tag, and Sirius notes to pay whatever is due directly to the artist is PayPal. Sirius wasn’t here to steal for financial gain, he stole to feel empowered. He manages to slip out of the store, paints hidden under his leather jacket.

After walking a street down to make sure he was in the clear, Sirius takes his phone out to play the designer on PayPal. When he unlocks his phone, his stomach sinks to find an unread message from Brady.

**Brady:**

****

****

**where r u?**

He should have known this was going to be a bad idea. Of course Brady was going to ask questions. He probably just woke up, hungover and confused as to why Sirius wasn’t laying next to him in bed. Sirius hadn’t told Brady about his meetings, or about his shoplifting to begin with. The only people that knew about Sirius being a shoplifter was his dad, the court, and the judge that cut him the deal and as of today, James and Remus. Sirius had meant to keep it a secrete. Shoplifting wasn’t anything he was proud about.

He was fourteen when he first lifted. It was shortly after he joined the football team and stopped talking to Remus. His mother had made a homophobic comment that night at dinner and it sent Sirius into a terrible mood. He was angry at his mother for making the comment and maybe even a bit mad at himself for being gay in the first place. Maybe if he was straight like Regulus, he could be able to ignore the homophobia instilled in the house. Maybe if he was straight, he wouldn’t have to feel like an outsider in his own home. 

Feeling troubled and despaired, Sirius snuck out of his bedroom window and took a bus into town. He loved people watching, making up stories about people’s lives and what they were doing, where they were going, and why they were doing it. It was a fun pastime and all it cost him was two dollars for the bus ticket. 

Eventually, he found himself at the end of the bus route and he stumbled out of the bus and onto the main road of a cute hipster-ish neighborhood. He walked into a bookstore of all places, wondering what was so good about books anyway. Remus had liked books, he liked them a lot. Sirius forced the idea of Remus out of his head and made his way over to a display case of bookmarks. 

He picked one up. It was a fancy one, metal with an amethyst crystal hanging off a purple fringe. Sirius wasn’t much of a bookworm, he only read what he had to for class. But he couldn’t turn his eyes away from this one bookmark. It was quite elegant and if Sirius ever did get around to reading, he’d definitely want this bookmark to slip in between pages.

He checked his wallet and frowned when he realized he only had enough money for a ticket back home and maybe a bag of chips, certainly not enough for the bookmark. So Sirius did what at the time seemed like a good idea, he slipped the bookmark into his pocket and left the store.

It was only on the bust back home did he realize what he had done. He’s stolen something and gotten away with it. Sirius smiled to himself, a rush of euphoria coursing through him. He felt intense happiness that was typically scarce in his day-to-day life. 

In a world where Sirius was constantly being controlled, whether it be by his parents or the expectations of his team and classmates, stealing provided an outlet. It didn't’ matter if Sirius was maintaining an image or if he was risking his chance at a game. It didn’t even matter if Sirius was gay. All it mattered was that he got away with his trinkets.

Sirius sighs, wondering what he should tell Brady. He knows deep down that it’s none of Brady‘s business where he is, but he can’t help but fear the repercussions if he doesn’t reply. Brady always liked to know where Sirius was. A small, reasonable, voice in the back of his head says ‘this isn’t normal, boyfriends aren’t supposed to track you’, but Sirius shuts it out immediately. Brady was the only man Sirius had ever been in a relationship with, so what did Sirius know about normal? Orion liked to know where Walburga was and he liked telling her what to wear and what to say at formal gatherings. So maybe this was normal. Maybe Brady was just being a good boyfriend and was worried about Sirius’s whereabouts. 

Sirius types his reply quickly, not wanting to make Brady any more worried. 

**Sirius:**

****

****

**Just in town, sorry I didn’t stay until u woke up. Will definitely make it up**

He hopes his promise of reimbursement will put Brady at ease, and that Sirius will escape his wrath. He put this phone away. How did his life come to this?

***

The meeting wasn’t that bad, Remus actually found himself being mildly amused during the whole thing. He listened to the stories of the people attending the meeting interested. He resisted the urge to smile smugly, knowing that as messed up as his life was, at least he wasn’t addicted to shoplifting. 

Everything was all good until Remus ran into James at the skate shop. He wasn’t expecting a quiet kid like James to propose such a balls-y idea, but Remus didn’t really know James… Maybe James was always that confident and cocky, Remus just hadn’t had the opportunity to see it.

Remus was not a thief. He didn’t even know why he agreed to James’ stupid challenge, but he did. It might have been a pride thing, even if Remus wasn’t a shoplifter, he still wanted James to think he was. So he turns into a high-end clothing store and eyes all the low-neckline shirts and ruffled skirts. He was the only guy in the store and a few patrons gave him funny looks but ultimately left him to his own devices, which he was glad for.

He looks around the store for something cheap, something affordable. He wasn’t actually going to steal anything, that would be too risky as he had the agility and stealth of a blind bat. He was also incredibly inexperienced in the realm of shoplifting. Trying to lift something from a posh store such as the one he had entered would be suicidal. 

He just got paid from the diner and figured he could put out a good $10 for James’s dumb little game. That way it would look like he tried, but just came shorthanded. Remus did not care if he won the game or not, as long as he didnt show up empty-handed, his pride would be intact well enough. 

The only thing he could find in the boutique that was under $10 was a nude pair of spanks. He grabs a pair, ignoring the quizzical gaze being sent his way by a middle-aged woman with a tight bun and tawdry leather handbag, and makes his way to the checkout.

The girl at the checkout desk was young, she looked to be straight out of high school, and she gingerly rang up the spanks. She gave Remus a doubtful look and brushed a piece of her long blonde hair behind her ear.

“Spanks?” She asks disbelievingly and with mild scorn.

Remus shrugs. “For my girlfriend,” he lies. He hasn’t had an actual girlfriend in a year.

The girl gives him a slightly disgusted look. “You know, people like to come in stores like this and purchase the cheapest item in stock. Most the time they’ve got something else…of more value in their pockets”.

Remus bites his lips to prevent himself from laughing. It was almost ironic, here was a girl no older than 18 accusing him of shoplifting right after he got back from a shoplifting anonymous meeting that he got roped into going to go for something he didn’t even steal.

“I think I know what you’re insinuating, and let me tell you, even if I was, you don’t get paid half enough to stop me.”

The girl rolls her eyes. “8.99”.

Remus hands her a crinkled $10 bill and walks out of the store with a vibrant pink shopping bag and a desperate urge to get nicotine into his lungs. He throws the bag away at the nearest trashcan, not wanting to let the other two boys know that he had bought the spanks, before tucking the spanks into his flannel.

He runs all the way back to the skate store when he realizes he only had five minutes left on the clock. He’s the last one to arrive, panting, coughing, and sweating up a storm. James gives him a sympathetic smile while  
Sirius looks at him smugly.

“S’what you get for burning a hole into your lungs,” Sirius teases and Remus debates punching him in the face, even in his impaired state.

“Fuck-“ he gasps for air-“off”.

“All right fine, enough of my teasing. Show us what you’ve got".

Remus holds up the spanks, still wheezing.

Sirius laughs heartily, making Remus blush. He knew the spanks would be unimpressive, but he hadn’t expected to be _laughed_ at. 

“Get a load of this”, Sirius says, after regaining composure, pulling a pair of zipped leather pants from his shoulder bag. Remus feels his jaw drop while looking at the pants, they must have cost a fortune. “I think I win”.

“What about James? We haven’t even seen what he’s got!” Remus protests. He silently begs whatever god out there that James had managed to snag something of a higher value. Remus was pretty good at losing, as long as he wasn’t losing to Sirius Orion fucking Black.

James grins, almost looking as smug as Sirius had been. He slowly pulls up the sleeves of his sweatshirt to reveal a wristwatch that glistened despite the Portland clouds blocking any sunlight. The band was composed of fine gold chains weaved together and the face was outlined with rows of glistening crystals. The clock had two shiny hands pointing to roman numerals instead of typical numbers. This watch looked like it cost more than three months’ worth of rent. Remus nearly forgot how to breathe. _This is great_.

“H-how much”, Remus stutters, his eyes glued to the watch. Maybe Remus ought to learn how to steal. If he could get his hands on something as lucrative as that watch, he wouldn’t have to work so many hours at the diner.

“Four hundred dollars”, James boasts. He slips his sleeve down again and eyes the two boys up greedily. 

Sirius picks his jaw up from the floor and scoffs. “No way, you won’t even look good in these”, he balks.

Remus’s face heated up. He turns to face Sirius, shooting him a look of disgust. “Oh fuck no, Sirius. You’re gonna pay up. Rules are rules, hand James those pants”, he hisses. Leave it to Sirius Black to bail once things don’t go his way.

“No”, James says, interrupting the growing tension between the two other boys. “He’s right. They won’t look good on me”.

Sirius beams and tucks the pants back into his duffle bag. For the first time since Remus met James, he feels a hint of resentment towards the boy. The one time Sirius Black wasn’t going to get his way, James just had to give in. But as soon as the anger came, it left. Remus wasn’t one to be petty, unlike _some_ people.

“Right, well as much fun as it was hanging out with”, Sirius darts his eyes between James and Remus and raises his eyebrows, “you two, I’ve got things to do, places to be. That English project won’t do itself. So, I better get going”. He adjusts his bag under his arm and nods his head at James. “Nice meeting you James. Enjoy your watch… and spanks”, he says the last word looking at Remus darkly before turning on his heel and strutting down the sidewalk, disappearing into a crowd of people.

Remus waits until Sirius is a good way out of ear’s reach before cursing loudly. “Fuck!” A few passersby give him dirty looks, covering their kid’s ears before moving along. “He’s so annoying”, he says while turning to face James.

James just looks at Remus blankly, his eyes stationary behind his circle glasses. 

“Shit, James… are you okay?” Remus asks frantically. It snaps James out of his trance and he grins sheepishly.

“Yeah… Sirius just reminded me of the project… I was so busy mopping around to remember to do it”, James explains. 

“If you want you can slap your name onto mine”, Remus offers. He’s done it before, just asked to slap his name on somebody’s project last minute. The girls normally didn’t care if he mooched off a project or two as long as they could mooch off his project or bum a joint or something.

James smiles but shakes his head slowly. “I couldn’t do that to you, I’d feel too guilty”.

“If you want you can come around to my place and help with it if that’s what you’re feeling bad about. Lily will be there at around three”, Remus says after realizing James was the honorable type. 

James seems to perk up at the mention of Lily’s name. Remus makes a note to bring that up with Lily… she has been single for a while after all. “Yeah, sure. I’ll be there then. Thanks”.

“Here just give me your number and I’ll text you my address.”

They exchange phone numbers and Remus put his contact information into James’s phone. He texts James his address before putting his phone away in his back pocket.

“See you soon”.

When he gets home, he immediately texts Lily.

**Remus:**

**new kid is gonna join us today for our project. i invited him**

**Lily:**

**cool i didn’t know u knew him**

**Remus:**

**i didn’t, i met him today at that shopping thingy**

**Lily:**

**the meeting for shoplifters?**

**Remus:**

**yeah**

**Lily:**

**damn okay did not take circle glasses oversize hoodie shy James Potter to be a shoplifter**

**Remus:**

**yeah well most teachers don’t expect 4.00 mathlete remus lupin to be anything but a saint and look at me, two arrests, one suspension, on parole, and high half the time**

**Lily:**

**true**

**now imagine how the teachers would react if they knew that _i’m_ the reason you even got arrested**

**wait you’ve been arrested twice?**

**Remus:**

**oh they’d lose their shit**

**also remember when somebody decided to spray paint a dick on the back wall of the school?**

**that was ricky and filch called the cops on us. i didn’t get charged with anything tho**

**Lily:**

**damn remus, everybody thinks sirius black is a bad boy but it looks like you’re the real bad boy**

**Remus:**

**damn straight i am**

**Lily:**

**lmaoooo**

**gtg ill see u soon**

Lily arrives at three-thirty sharp and they take out their project, which was a poster, and start catching up with each other. Lily was telling him about petunia, who apparently blocked her on Instagram the other day.

“I mean, at least I know she’s safe. She’d have to sign into her Instagram account in order to block me. I told mom the news and she was over the moon. I’m more pissed than happy, but whatever”.

Remus offers Lily a small smile. “Maybe you should try contacting some of Petunia’s friends? I’m sure they would know something.”

Lily sighs dramatically and flops onto the green couch. “I’ve tried to, but none of them will answer me. I guess that’s just proof that Petunia is out there in the world somewhere, doing well for herself. If she told her friends not to talk me, that means she has to be in contact with her friends. Quite honestly I’m done worrying about Petunia. It’s bad enough I had to spend 16 years of my life with her. If it wasn’t for the fact that my mom is still worried senseless, I would be glad she ran away with that oaf”.

She picks up the poster they worked on last time and grimaces. “Everything we wrote on here sounds like we wrote it-“

“High?” Remus asks, amused.

“I was going to say on a third-grade level, but that works as well”, Lily says tightly, all though the slight glimmer in her eyes lets Remus know she’s only joking. She pulls out a few containers from her bag and places them on the table. “I brought some glitter, we can put it on the poster. Even if her actual content is shitty, at least it will look nice.”

Remus opens his mouth to reply but is interrupted when he hears a knock on his front door. He gets up and opens the door.

“Hi”, James says. He steps into the doorway sheepishly, rubbing circles into his elbow. 

“Hey”, Remus greets. “Welcome to my humble abode. Sorry if it’s a bit messy, I didn’t get the time to clean up. We're on the couch over there”, he points to the green couch which is only a few feet away from the door. “And the feisty redhead sitting on the couch is Lily Evans. Approach with caution”. He winks.

James nods his head and mumbles something incoherent before making his way over to the couch.

“I’m James”, he says to Lily, sticking his hand out for her to shake. She looks down at his hand bemused before taking it.

“Lily Evans”.

They explain to James the basis of their project. James nodded his head and occasionally interjected a sentence, but overall he was rather quiet. His boldness from earlier that day seemed to dissipate entirely and Remus thinks that if James’s skin was paler there would be a vibrant red blush on his cheeks. James did the lettering on the poster and he withdrew his hand quickly each time he accidentally reached for a maker the same time Lily did. Lily would giggle and apologize only for them to repeat the ordeal a few minutes later. Remus soaked in every detail of their interactions.

Overall everything went well and they mostly decorated the poster since the bulk of the work was done the previous week. Before leaving, Lily insisted that they make a group chat to talk more about the project and the presentation that was being held next week. Remus’s secretly suspected that Lily might have developed something of a crush on the James kid, but he would not dare say that to her face. 

He was glad that Lily took a liking to James. James seemed to be a bit of a loner. He looks like he needed a friend. And when Lily Evans decides she wants to be your friend, she will become your friend, whether you like it or not. 

By the time the evening rolls around, Remus is his phone had been blowing up like a thunderstorm. Most of the text messages were from the newly found group chat, almost all of them being just between Lily and James. He got a few from the main group chat with Marlene, Mary, Dorcas, and Lily about some dude Mary was going out with, but it was mostly Lily and James that kept his phone dinging. 

James was all right, he decides. He seems like a pretty okay kid and if Lily liked him, then Remus liked him. Maybe James would stick around and Remus would once again get to see the confident rebellious side to him. He puts his phone down after reading all the messages. The shoplifting meetings weren’t a complete waste.


	3. Mustangs and Madras

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw:  
> *James's part- references to alcoholism and death of parents  
> *Sirius's part- abusive relationships, threats of being outed
> 
> (see endnotes for a summary of each part if you want to skip them)
> 
> Some people have hard breaks, other's don't
> 
> sometimes everyone does

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIIIIIIII!!!!! So I've decided to start posting on Saturday evening/ Sunday mornings, depending on what part of the world you are from. I'll update weekly. Also, I'm sort of looking for a beta. I don't really know where to go to find one, I despite being in the fandom for five years, I still don't really know anybody in the fandom who could help me out with writing. If you are interested in being a beta or know somebody who would, please contact me at my [ tumblr ](https://dollphase.tumblr.com/). Also feel free to talk to me, yell at me, curse at me, or have a nice conversation about whatever with me. I'm very lonely and do not bite :)
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter!!!!!!!!

**_~Sunday~_ **

**(7:02 pm) Lily: okay so we’re dumb**

**(7:03 pm) who is gonna present the project? we didn’t decide on saturday**

**(7:03 pm) btw im not presenting. im telling you all that right now**

**(7:14 pm) Remus: i’ll do it**

**(7:15 pm) but if u don’t mind me asking, why don’t u wanna present ????**

**(7:15 pm) Lily: i always present**

**(7:16 pm) Remus: not true, i present sometimes**

**(7:16) ur just lazzzzzyyyy**

**(7:16) lazzy lily**

James looks down at his buzzing phone and smiles. It had been a while since his phone rang like this. Sure, he got the occasional text from one of his soccer friends back in California, but his phone had not blown up like this since Sophomore year. It feels nice to have people to text, even if it was for a school project.

“Texting somebody, James”, Fleamont asks. He offers a neutral smile to his son. He did that alot, smiled without actually smiling. It was like he was testing the waters, seeing how much positive emotion he could show James without pissing him off. James shrugs.

“Some people for a group project”, he says while taking a bite of the low-carb cauliflower rice substitute Jenna cooked as a side dish for dinner. It tasted more like cardboard than rice, but James didn’t complain. He had a selection of chips upstairs waiting for him under his bed. All stolen and deliciously carbed-up.

“Oh, so they’re from here?” Fleamont asks with a raised eyebrow. 

James nods. “Yep. From sunless Godric Hollow, Oregon.”

“I’m glad you’re making friends, James”, Fleamont says, this time with a genuine smile.

James doesn’t bother to point out that they weren’t really his friends. They were just group mates for a school project and that was it. Although, he wouldn’t mind becoming their friends. Especially Lily’s. 

“Yeah”, James says before adverting his gaze back to his phone. His mother never let James use his phone during dinner but she didn’t even need to try hard to enforce the rule, James was happy to put his phone down to spend time with her. In Godric Hollow, James couldn’t care less. Nobody told him to put his phone away-- and he wouldn’t even if they did. Along with Portland’s gloomy weather came James’s gloomy attitude. 

The only thing that made him happy (other than stealing, of course) was this newfound group chat. James enjoys reading the banter and even chiming in once a while himself. Even if the chat for school, James couldn’t help but find a little solace in it. It distracted him from his otherwise shitty life.

**(7:18 pm) James: hey, lily brought the glitter. dont you think that’s enough?**

**(7:18 pm) Lily: yeah, remus? isn’t it enough?**

**(7:18 pm) Remus: you two are ganging up on me, i don’t like this**

**(7:19 pm) James: we’re not ganging up on you, we’re just spitting facts :)**

**(7:20 pm) Lily: exactly.**

**(7:20)you know what? i think i like james more than i like u, remus**

**(7:21) james, ur my new best friend**

**(7:21 pm) Remus: james u fucking bitch**

**(7:21 pm) u stole my best friend**

**(7:22 pm) James: wouldn’t be the first thing i’ve stolen**

**(7:22 pm) if you catch my drift**

**(7:22 pm) Remus: o h m y g o d**

**(7:22 pm) i’ll have you know i spit out my juice box at that**

**(7:23 pm) James: you drink juice boxes???**

**(7:23 pm) Remus: they were on sale….**

**(7:23 pm) plus i saw this thing on instagram where you drink half of a juice box and then cut it open and fill it with vodka**

**(7:23 pm) then you take a straightening iron and melt the plastic back together and it looks like a regular juice box**

**(7:24 pm) Lily: that seems like a lot of work just to get drunk**

**(7:25 pm) i’d just chug the vodka straight from the bottle**

James finds himself a bit shocked. Peter had told James a lot of things about Lily Evans, most of them being about how she’s one of the top students in the school and a notorious rule-follower. He was _not_ expecting her to have this newfound wild side. But he decides he likes it. It just makes him more interested in her.

**(7:25 pm) Remus: yeah well you can’t exactly bring a bottle of vodka to school, can you?**

**(7:25 pm) but you know what can bring?**

**(7:25 pm) that’s right**

**(7:25 pm) you can bring vodka filled juice boxes to school.**

**(7:25 pm) James: you guys are wild.**

**(7:25 pm) everybody has been telling me about how you two are the school’s top students and here you are talking about your drinking habits**

**(7:25 pm) Remus: it’s how we cope with being hogwarts high’s top students**

**(7:26 pm) Lily: well you know what they say, james. ‘good girls are bad girls who haven’t been caught’**

**(7:26 pm) James: is that a 5sos reference?**

**(7:26 pm) Lily: guilty as charged**

**(7:26 pm) Remus: she had a phase in freshman year**

**(7:26 pm) it was not cute**

**(7:26 pm) James: i’ll take your word for it**

**(7:26 pm) Lily: oh jamesssssss**

**(7:27 pm) u should sit with us at lunch**

**(2:27 pm) unless u like sitting with peter. he’s a gossip tho, just warning u**

James grins. Not only was he invited to sit with people he actually liked at lunch, but Lily Evans had paid enough attention to him to notice who he sat with at lunch. 

**(7:27 pm) Remus: you should**

**(7:27 pm) i might even share an alcoholic juice box with u**

**(7: 27 pm) if peter doesn’t miss you too much, that is**

**(7:27 pm) James: i don’t think peter will miss me that much**

**(7:28 pm) Lily: cool :)**

James smiles as he puts his phone away. It was the first time he felt remotely optimistic since his mother got the diagnosis. He was so happy, he cleared his plate and didn’t even tap into his chip collection when he went up to bed. 

~ ** _Monday_** ~

James walks into lunch and grabs a tray filled with soggy fries and a lumpy sandwich composed of unknown meat. He searches the cafeteria for a head of a familiar auburn hair before spotting it in the corner of the cafeteria. He makes his way over to the table and puts his tray down next to Lily’s.

“Hi”, he greets, sitting down.

Lily’s frowning at something on her phone and doesn’t look up when she says, “Hey. Remus will be here soon… had something to do with Mathletes”.

James nods, even though he knows Lily won’t be able to see him. She frowns again at her phone and against his better judgment, James asks, “Are you okay?” 

“Oh I’m fine”, Lily says with stiffness in her voice that let James know she was anything but fine. He slung his backpack around one of the chairs and sat down next to Lily, who was still frowning at her phone.

“I know you’ve known me for like… three days? But if there’s anything you need help with let me know”, James says. Lily looks up from her phone and smiles.

“Thanks, James, you’re a nice boy, you know that?”

James tries not to frown. That’s the last thing a boy wants to hear from a girl he’s into. _You’re a nice boy_. He internally shudders. 

“I mean it, Lily”. He picks up a limp french fry from his lunch tray and debates whether or not he was hungry enough to eat it. He wasn’t. 

“I know you do”, Lily frowns. She shuts her phone off and puts it away, grabbing an apple from her own tray. “It’s really nothing you can help with. Just family drama”.

“Tell me about it”, James says with an eye-roll, earning a laugh from Lily.

“I’ll tell you if you tell me”, Lily challenges.

James beams, never one to turn down a challenge. “Deal”.

“You first”.

“Well, you see it started when my mom…” he trails off abruptly, his stomach knotting up. Shit. He forgot that by telling Lily about his family issues, he’d have to tell her about his family issue. Fuck. He hadn’t told anybody yet, not out loud at least. His friends back home had known Euphemia was sick and it was no surprise when she died. James never talked about it with them. He had never before said the words ‘my mom is dead’. And even though it had been almost two months since she passed, James felt that if he spoke those four words, everything would become much more real. He’d been distracting himself with the shoplifting and shut himself out when his emotions grew too strong, but he’d have to own up to it head-first if he told Lily. It would become real.

Lily looks at him sympathetically, her green eyes twinkling. She puts a comforting hand on James’s shoulder. “Hey, it’s okay if you don’t want to get into it. We did just meet after all”, she says softly. “You don’t have to talk, I can do the talking if you want”.

James shakes his head. He’d have to confront his emotions eventually. “It’s fine. A deal’s a deal. My mom… sh-she died two months ago”. He stops to take a shaky breath. “That’s why I moved here. My dad, he lives here. They were divorced”, he clarifies in short to-the-point sentences. If he stuck to the facts, he wouldn’t have to open up too much. He could handle sharing the facts, they were only surface level.

Lily nods her head and squeezes her hand around James’s shoulder. 

“It’s just… it’s been rough. I hadn’t seen him for years. He never visited when I was living with my mom. He never even called. He got remarried and sent a birthday card every year, that was it. It’s hard living with him, he feels like a stranger. He _is_ a stranger. And on top of that his new wife Jenna is so annoying. She… she like wants to be my replacement mother or something, which is beyond infuriating. My dad insisted I spent a month at home, an ‘adjustment period’ he called it, to get used to living with him… and _her_ before transferring here. So yeah, that’s pretty much the basis of it all. What about you?”

Lily gives him another sympathetic look, almost like the ones weeping neighbors or guilty classmates gave him back in California when they’d heard the news. The only difference with Lily’s was that hers was understanding. It wasn’t pitiful. It was empathetic.

“I’m so sorry James. That sounds terrible”, she says softly. “Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you. If things ever get too much to bear at home, just shoot me a text.”

James offers her a sheepish smile. Nobody had offered him any help like that, not even his own father. “Thanks, Lily”. They share a smile, brown eyes locking in with green, and Lily keeps her hand firmly planted on James’s shoulder. “Although, I do believe you owe me your story”.

Lily snaps out of the eye contact and laughs. “Oh right! I almost forgot about that”, she says bitterly. Her empathetic eyes turn cold and she sighs. “My dad is-was- an alcoholic. He kicked the bucket a few years back when I was twelve from alcohol poisoning. I was the one who found him sprawled on the living room floor in a pool of his own vomit. It was terrible”, she visibly shudders.

“My mom, she’s a saint. I love her so much, I’ll do anything for her, she’s all I got left… well her and Remus”, she adds with a smile. “My mom worked full time to provide and she was worried that we’d get into… bad stuff, cause that’s what teenagers do when they’re grieving. They do bad shit. Luckily enough I didn’t ever stray too far, but my sister, Petunia, fell into the wrong crowd.”

“The first time she ran away she was sixteen and the police found her the following week. It was the scariest week of my life. Petunia came back and things were going well for a while until she met this guy named Vernon. She disappeared nearly seven months ago without a trace. I just found out from one of her friends that she ran away with said Vernon guy. Apparently, he’s loaded and she was tired of sharing a room with her goody-goody younger sister. So that’s my family drama”, she finishes with a sarcastic smile.

“Oh my god Lily, fuck, that’s-”

“Shitty?” Lily offers. James nods. “Yep. We’ve got shitty lives, James”, she says with a sad smile that James returns. They give each other looks of understanding. Even if their situations were different, James knew what pain felt like and he knew Lily had a lot of it. 

“I could toast to that”, James muses.

“Toast to what?” A new voice says. James turns to see Remus pull up a chair at the table next to Lily. He puts his bag behind his chair and looks at Lily and James with raise eyebrows. James thinks he sees a smirk on Remus’s face but she chooses to ignore it.

“To having shitty lives”, Lily answers.

Remus laughs. “I could fucking toast to that”, he says before unzipping his bag and pulling out three Capri-Suns with very obvious melted tops. He throws one to Lily and James before popping his straw through his.

“Are these-” 

“Yep”, Remus says with a sly smile. Jame stares in awe. These kids were fucking crazy.

James pops his straw through the Capri-Sun and thrusts his Capri-Sun into the middle of the table. “To shitty lives”, he says.

“To shitty lives!” Lily and Remus chorus.

James takes a sip of the Capri-Sun and doesn’t wince, even though he wants soo. Remus had made them a bit strong, not that James had a whole lot of experience with alcohol. Maybe they weren’t strong at all and it was just James’s lack of alcohol experiences talking...

As he drank his pouch, he felt a giddy feeling rise throughout him and he knew it was not the alcohol talking. 

Friends. He had friends.

**_~Tuesday~_ **

“Sirius, what the fuck is this?” 

Sirius puts away his water bottle and closes his locker before meeting Brady’s gaze. They were in the locker rooms alone after the rest of the team finished showering and headed off to first period. Brady had convinced Sirius to stay back a little, for some private conversation that couldn’t be had in public. 

Brady shoves his phone in Sirius’s face. His eyes were narrowed and cheek red. “What the fuck is this?” He repeats, this time more aggressively.

Sirius looks at the phone and sees that Brady pulled up Sirius’s latest Instagram story. It was a picture of the two of them sharing a meal at the Burrow Dinner. Sirius had taken the story the previous day when they went to grab a bite after practice. Brady was smiling with a french-fry in between his fingers and his other hand gripping a root-beer float. 

“What… is there something wrong?” Sirius asks, confused. It was just a picture, right? Harmless.

Brady thinks otherwise. He puts a firm hand on Sirius’s shoulder and pushes him up against some lockers, a loud _thud_ ringing throughout the room as Sirius slams against the lockers. Sirius recoils and allows Brady to hold him there. Even if he wants to escape Brady’s hold, he couldn’t. Brady was a good few inches taller than Sirius and much bigger. While Sirius was the lean but muscular type, Brady was pure bulk. 

“Of course, there’s something fucking wrong. Friends don’t take pictures of friends like that”, Brady seethes, his voice cold and hard. Sirius hates it when Brady gets like this. It was always without warning and Sirius had no time to prepare a distraction plan.

“Nobody can know what were are. _Nobody_. My life would be over the second somebody even _thinks_ I’m gay. Big Leagues don’t scout gay players and you know this”. Brady tightens his grip on Sirius’s shoulder before letting him go, slamming him against the locker once more. “So don’t post shit like this. It’s risky”.

Sirius frowns. He hadn’t thought of it like that. “But Brady, nobody will think that. It’s just two friends grabbing an afternoon snack-”

“No”, Brady interrupts. “It’s not. People see things like this and talk. And I know you don’t want people to talk, everybody around these parts knows that the Black Family is some of the world’s biggest homophobes. I don’t want to come out, you don’t want to come out. So we can’t do things like this”, he waves his phone in the air, pointing to the story. “And if you keep on pushing my buttons, I’m going to put you in your palace”.

Sirius gulps. He hates it when Brady gets mad like this and starts threatening him. He had been so nice and caring at the beginning of their relationship, always willing to listen to Sirius and comfort him when he was down. Brady had made Sirius feel comfortable in being gay when he first came out. Brady had told him that it was okay, that he knew what Sirius was going through. He had made Sirius feel safe and wanted, something Sirius scarcely felt at home. So it scared Sirius something awful when Brady got like this, hotheaded and angry. 

“What… w-what do you mean, Brady?” Sirius stutters, feeling small and weak. He looks at Brady wide-eyed, observing every detail of his boyfriend, the way his bushy brows flew to the ceiling, and the way he angrily bit his lip. 

“If you risk outing me, I’ll risk outing you. I’ve got those pictures of you from when we went to pride”, Brady says smugly.

Sirius goes blank. He feels his breathing stop and the color drain from his face. Shit.

Sirius and Brady had gone to pride back in June. It was an amazing experience and Sirius had never felt so liberated in his life. It was thrilling to be around so many people just like himself. He had bought a bunch of merch that day, putting on the rainbow shirt under his leather jacket and waving a pride flag around. Brady had insisted on taking some pictures of Sirius, and Sirius had been eager to smile into the camera. Brady hadn’t wanted any pictures of himself, which Sirius found odd at the time, but now he realized what Brady’s intentions were. Shit.

“Brady… you wouldn’t”. He wouldn’t, right?

“I don’t want to, Sirius. But I will if I have to”. Brady slips his phone back into his pocket and sighs. “I’ll see you at practice”, he says before heading out the door, leaving Sirius alone, perched against somebody’s locker and scared.

This wasn’t right.

Sirius manages to shove his belongings into his gym locker and slams it shut, letting the slam radiate throughout the room, just like it had not five minutes ago when Brady slammed Sirius against it. He grabs his book bag and runs out of the locker room, stumbling throughout the hallways and pushing against groups of talkative freshmen. He hurries into his first period and to his delight, Brady wasn’t there. Hopefully, he was bunking off first period.

Sirius places his book bag at the foot of his chair and slides into his desk. He looks up at the clock hanging on the other end of the room and realizes that he made it in exactly one minute before class started. That was good, he didn’t need another tardy on his record. If Sirius could remember correctly, they were doing project presentations today. It was good that Sirius had opted to do this project alone and not work with Brady this time, seeing at Brady had decided to skip.

Sirius watches as the first group of kids take to the front of the class and begin to present their projects. He doesn’t listen, though, just watches. He’s too caught up in his own thoughts to catch what they’re saying. The only words running through his head were Brady’s. _“I don’t want to, Sirius. But I will if I have to”._ What the hell did that mean? Had Brady really threatened to out Sirius? 

Sirius had heard horror stories on the internet about crazy exes who out their partners in revenge, but he knew that Brady was different. He wouldn’t do that, would he? 

But maybe he would. Brady could do awful things when he got mad. There was one time in sophomore year when they lost a game and Brady had been fuming during the after-party. Eager to blow off steam, he had corned the first person he saw (which just conveniently happened to be Remus Lupin) and slammed him into the wall of somebody’s parent’s kitchen, and yelled some expletives in his face. There was also the one time Brady failed a math test and he flipped his desk in a fit of rage. There were also the numerous times Brady had gotten a bit rough with Sirius, gripped his wrists a bit too tight, or slamming him into things (Brady liked slamming people into things).

So Brady could do awful things, but he wouldn’t out Sirius. Right? Brady loved Sirius, he wouldn’t hurt Sirius unless extremely mad. Maybe it was Sirius’s fault. He should have known that picture was a bad idea...

Sirius mulls over the possible ways he could make it all up to Brady. He _had_ to. Brady, and maybe Regulus, were the only people who truly cared for Sirius. Sirius couldn’t lose Brady. Maybe he’d go stop by town and pick up flowers-- or maybe chocolates. Wait, no. Brady hates chocolates.

Sirius brainstorms for a while longer before a familiar raspy voice interrupts his thoughts. Sirius looks up at up the front of the classroom and sees that Remus is up presenting. He’s holding a large poster with illegible things written in glitter and gold markers. It looks like a unicorn vomited all on the poster, ate it, and threw it back up. He couldn’t make out a single word written on the poster, and apparently neither could Remus.

“So… it says here that… wait let me see”, he cranes his neck over to look at the poster. “Oh right! It says that ultimately the greasers were the main protagonists in the book, although S.E. Hinton would like you to believe that there are, in fact, no antagonists in the book, except circumstances”. He scrunches his nose up disapprovingly and pushes his sunglasses up. Who the hell wore sunglasses indoors? “I personally disagree, but whatever. S’not what the projects about”, he trails.

McGonagall raises one of her eyebrows, her signature look, and makes a ‘hmp’ noise in the back of her throat. “No, no. Please do explain, Mr.Lupin. I’m always curious to hear the opinions of my students”.

Remus nods and smiles lightly. “Well, okay. Personally, I think that the whole idea that the Socs weren’t antagonists is complete bull-- nonsense. It very evident to me that the greasers were the ones with the hard breaks and the Socs only thought they had hard breaks. Take Cherry Valance, for example, she has the perfect life; rich, popular, good grades… all and all a good life. Her biggest problem is that her boyfriend is a jerk who can’t mind his own business and ends up dying because of it. She _thinks_ her life is _so_ hard, when the rest of the greaser’s lives are easily much harder.”

Remus puts down the poster and readjusts his sunglasses again before smirking mischievously. “I see it all the time. People who think their lives are so hard when in reality their biggest problem doesn’t even compare to some people’s smallest. I feel no sympathy towards those people, they are merely stuck up and spoiled. They act like they are the only people who have personally ever experience any pain”. He turns his head and even though his dark-tinted glasses prevent his eyes from being seen, Sirius can feel them burning on him. “That’s why I feel as if the Socs are the real antagonists. Some people have rough breaks and others do not. Simple as that”.

The class goes silent, possibly sensing the tension in the room. By this point, it was clear that Remus was directing his speech to Sirius and Sirius finds himself staring back at Remus with his cheeks burning. He couldn’t say anything back, couldn’t defend himself without making a scene. So he just sits there, glaring at Remus.

This is what Remus wanted. To put Sirius in an awkward position where he couldn’t defend himself. He had succeeded, for now.

“Very interesting point, Mr.Lupin. You may take a seat now”, McGonagall says curtly. Remus takes his seat and the rest of class goes by in a blur with Sirius furiously counting down the minutes. He waits until the bell rings and the class fills out the find Remus, cornering him in the hall.

“What-” Remus doesn’t get to finish his thoughts because Sirius drags him by the arm into a supply closet by the hand. It happens so quickly that Sirius is sure nobody saw and he closes the door with a slam.

“What the fuck, Sirius?”

“Don’t ‘what the fuck, Sirius’ me”, Sirius warns. He looks up at the taller boy with a look of disgust. “You know _exactly_ what you did back there”.

Remus chuckles a bit and leans against one of the supply racks, crossing his arms. “Oh, yeah? And what exactly did I do?” He asks smugly.

That was all it took to send Sirius over the edge. All of his pent up emotions regarding his family, Brady, and his sexuality flicker through him as he grabs the collar of Remus’s filthy red flannel, the same one he had been wearing since they were fourteen, and fists his hands through the fabric. Remus had hit a sore spot during his presentation. Everybody thinks that Sirius Black has a perfect life. He’s a football star decent from one of Portland’s wealthiest families, all while adorning a leather jacket and a bad-boy image. Girls threw themselves at his feet and he never worried about a lack of options when it came to his social life. But nobody knew the true side to Sirius Black; trapped in an abusive household and a toxic gay relationship. Nobody saw the scars on his back from shattered vases or the bruises around his wrists from when he disappointed his boyfriend. Nobody saw that.

“You know, you think you’re all that, Remus”, Sirius snarls, tightening his grip around Remus’s stupid flannel, “you think that you’re some kind of intellectual, holier-than-thou, scholar dripping with wisdom, but you’re not. You don’t know me and you don’t know anything about my life.”

Remus scoffs, his eyes placid and cool. “What, and you know me? How do you know that I’m not an intellectual, holier-than-thou, scholar dripping with wisdom?” He asks, amused.

Sirius sighs and lets Remus go, brushing his hands against his jeans in an attempt to get whatever filth was on Remus’s flannel off his hands. This was the problem with Remus. Nothing Sirius could say could hurt Remus as much as Remus could hurt him. That wasn’t to say Sirius was completely handicapped, however. There was one thing that always hit its target.

Sirius grabs the handle to the closet and with one last glare, Sirius says, “Cause I know what you really are; white trash with long hair”. Remus flinches as if Sirius had hit him and Sirius smiles. Bull’s eye.

**_~Friday~_ **

Remus flies off the rickety wooden stool behind the main counter the second he hears the back door open and runs into the small back room. The back room of the diner was a small room better described as an over-glorified closet. There was a circular table and two patched chairs in one corner of the room and a few cubbies on the other side, making it a tight fit once you added two growing teenagers into the mix.

Remus grins manically as he perches himself against the doorway, and makes a ‘tisking’ sound when he sees a head of platinum blonde hair flip around.

“Sneaking in late, I see. Gotta work on your punctuality, short-stack”. 

Marlene cowers and winces, slipping her book bag onto a chair in the backroom. She gives Remus an apologetic look and a bashful smile.

“Sorry, I was just-”

“Kissing Dorcas?” Remus supplies. Marlene’s sly smile gives him all the answer he needs as if her tousled blonde hair and slightly pink lips weren’t enough of a give-away.

“Why? Jealous?” Marlene quips. She slings her long hair into a ponytail before grabbing her apron and tying it on. 

“As if. I’m just pissed that you left me working the counter all alone”.

Marlene gives him a look of disbelief and scoffs. “Doesn’t look like you're working. Cause to me it looks like you're sitting around in the back room talking to… what did you call me again? Oh, talking to a short-stack instead of doing your fucking job. Looks more like _you’re_ the one slacking off”.

Remus rolls his eyes but smiles. Bantering with Marlene was one of his favorite pastimes. She was quick-witted and almost, just almost, as snarky as Remus. He had known her since middle school, but it wasn’t until he befriended Lily in freshman year did he really become close to her. Marlene is a sharp, intelligent, and care-free High School Junior that had been working at the Burrow Diner long before Remus had. She’s dating Dorcas Meadows and appears to get her fashion advice from a particularly edgy tumblr blog. 

“Right. Whatever”, Remus says as they walk towards the main counter, coming out from the kitchen and taking their normal spot in front of the cash registers. Luckily it was a slow afternoon, so Remus was not taking nor making any orders at the moment. By the time the dinner crowd came in, Remus was sure to be swamped with milk-shake orders and complicated sundaes needing to be made, but until then he could just relax and gossip with Marlene. It was how he spent most of his Friday nights since working at the diner.

“Oh and I’m not short, Lupin. I’m 5’5, which is an inch or two above the national average so technically I’m tall”, Marlene says, pulling up a stool next to Remus.

“Whatever. I’m like 6’2, you’re short”.

“I hate you so fucking much”.

“Watch it Marlene or I might report you to Molly, she’ll throw a fit knowing you were a whole fifteen minutes late”, Remus says, not meaning a word of it.

“Right, like I said before, you are totally jealous that I have somebody to kiss to make me late”, Marlene says. She pokes his shoulder and raises her eyebrows. “Or am I wrong?”

Remus groans obnoxiously. The one thing Marlene did that was absolutely annoying was pestering her friends about their love lives (or lack of love lives). Sometimes it was nice to have her cheer him on or give him relationship advice, but most of the time it was downright invasive. Even Lily wasn’t as bad as Marlene.

“I’m not looking to date anybody. I need to focus on school”, Remus replies.

“Boohoo. Boring”, she sing-songs. “C’mon Lupin, how long has it been since you’ve gotten any action?” Marlene asks while wiggling her eyebrows. “Was it Heista’s Labor Day party? Cause that was like… so long ago.”

Remus rolls his eyes. It wasn’t a long time ago, September was just a month ago.“None of your goddamn business”.

Marlene laughs. Her blue eyes twinkle with mischief as she says, “Hey, maybe we should set you up with Lily-”

“You better stop that sentence right there, Marlene. I’m warning you… Lily is like a sister to me, it would be incestuous for me to date her.”

Marlene keeps on laughing, or maybe she’s giggling. Who knows, Remus sure doesn’t. He feels his face heat up, thinking of his shitty past relationships. There were only two, one in freshman year and one in sophomore year. Both ended terribly and left both parties more embarrassed than needed.

“Plus, I’m pretty sure Lily is into James Potter”, Remus adds, trying to divert the conversation away from himself.

Marlene’s eyebrows shoot to the ceiling. “Really? New kid?”

Remus nods his head. “Yep”, he says, popping the ‘p’. “New kid. He’s nice”.

“You’ve met him? He’s in my Health class and quite honestly he looks like he’s trying to blow the place up with his mind.”

“Nah, that’s just an act. He hadn’t talked to me about any deep shit, but according to Lily his mother passed away recently and he’s been having a pretty rough time lately. But once you get to know him he’s cool. I think you’d really like him”, Remus says.

He’s got it all planned out. First, he’d make James comfortable with him and Lily, then he’d introduce James to the girls. After getting the girls’ approval, he’d be a devious little matchmaker and try to get the two alone as much as possible. If he closed his eyes, he could see it all worked out. They’d go to prom together, head to the same University, and adopt an ugly dog and rent a shitty apartment out. It would be perfect. 

Marlene murmurs something under her breath and looks like she’s still wrapping her head around the fact that ultra-depressed new kid James Potter could possibly be alright. Remus doesn’t blame her, James did not come off as anything but stoic.

“Well, if you say so”, she finally says. Her thinking face contorts into a wicked smile. “We’re going to play matchmaker, aren’t we”.

“Of course we are”.

Marlene opens her mouth and looks like she’s going to say something when a loud ringing noise cuts her off.

_Bzzz Bzzz_

Remus’s phone goes off, the ringing vibrating throughout the entire store. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and looks at the caller. It was a random local number. He declines the call and turns his phone off. Normally he puts his phone on silent before getting to the diner, so as not to disturb the customers, but today he must have forgotten. 

He’d been enamored with his phone lately, texting multiple group chats as well as Lily. He’d renamed the group-chat with Lily and James ‘caprisun fun’ (yes, very creative) and taken a liking to James Potter. Once you got through his initial awkwardness, he was a funny --if not a bit cocky-- kind-hearted kid. Lily seems to like him a lot, and Remus likes him well enough too. It was only a matter of time before Lily would introduce James to the girls, and then James would truly be inducted into their friend group. 

“Sorry, random number. Anyways what were you going to say?” Remus asks. As soon as he gets his last word out, he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. _Bzzz Bzzz_. He takes it out again and sees it’s the same number again before declining the call. “I’m so sorry. These telemarketers really need to stop-”

_Bzzzz Bzzzz Bzzz_

“Jesus!”

Marlene gives him a fixed look and offers him a small smile. “Maybe you should take it. If whoever has called you three times, it’s probably important”.

Remus sighs and takes his phone out for the third time in the last minute. “Yeah, you’re probably right”. He presses the accept button and pushes his phone against his ear.

“Hello?” he says.

_“Hello”_

Remus freezes. His stomach drops and his fingers grow cold around the phone. His heart stops beating and he forgets how to breathe. He knew this voice.

“Who is this”, he demands rather sharply once he regains control of his body. His heart regains its beating and to make up for time lost, it beats three times what could be considered normal.

_“Remus-”_

“Who is this?” he cuts in, even though he knows damn well who it is.

_“Your dad”_

“My father’s in jail, you must have the wrong number”, he lies. He sees Marlene looking at him worried from the corner of his eyes. He hops off the stool and slides into the backroom, ignoring the look Marlene gives him.

_“Remus, it’s me. Your mother gave me your number.”_

Remus takes a seat in one of the patched chairs in the backroom, the small room suddenly feeling smaller. He feels himself sway a bit and leans one arm against the table to support his head while using his other hand to grip his phone tightly.

A few seconds of silence go by before Remus says in what he hopes is a cold and emotionless voice, “What do you want”.

He hears a sigh on the other side before his father says, _“Look, Remus, I understand if you hate me…. I would too… B-But I just thought it would be nice if we could talk”._

“I’m at work. I can’t talk”. It a half-lie. He was at work, but nobody came in to eat a greasy diner meal at four pm in the afternoon. He could talk if he wanted to, he just doesn’t.

_“You work? I didn’t know that”._

“Well, you wouldn’t”, Remus says more bitterly than he originally intended to. He didn’t exactly know what he was doing, he didn’t know what angle he wanted to play at. All he knows is that he has to show his father how un-affected he is. Remus would not give his father the satisfaction of knowing he had an impact, whether it be positive or negative, on his life. Remus doesn't care about his father and that was that.

_“I know, I know. Stupid thing of me to say, really it was. I’m sorry… I just really want to see you. Hope warned me that you wouldn’t be… how should I put this? You wouldn’t welcome me with open arms and that’s okay. I don’t expect you to. I just really want to see you. It’s been so long”_.

Remus thinks he heard his father choke up the last few words and he immediately feels ten times less angry. _At least he cares about me_ , a small voice in his head said.

“Okay. I’ll see you. When do you want to meet?”

The line goes quiet for a bit. _“When do you get off?”_

“Eight pm”

_“Still living in Godric's Hollow, right? I’m staying in Portland, so I can meet you somewhere up there after you get off…. If that’s okay?”_

Remus stiffens. He thought he would have more time before he crossed this path, he thought he would be older and wiser, not sixteen. Did he want to do this? Did he want to open wounds up that never properly healed? Did he want to make himself vulnerable again?

“Yeah, that works”.

_“Great! How about we meet at that cafe? The one I used to take you to sometimes when you were younger… if they're still open, of course”._

Remus sighs, remembering the cafe from his childhood. It’s a small, cozy cafe just a few streets down from where Remus works. Whenever he stayed with his father, Lyall would take him down there and buy him a cup of hot chocolate. It was one of Remus’s few good memories of his father.

“Yeah, that works. I can be there by eight-thirty”

_“Great, great! I can’t wait to see you, Remus, I’ve missed you so much”_

Remus doesn’t know how to respond. Did he say it back? Did he even miss his father the last five years? Did his father even miss him while locked up?

“I’ll see you at eight-thirty”, Remus says hastily. Before his father can get another word in, he hangs up the phone and heads back to his creaky wooden stool behind the counter. He ignores the worried looks Marlene sends him and gives her some bullshit story that they both know is fake about a wrong number. He tries to push any thoughts of his father out of his head and he works on autopilot for the rest of the night, taking orders, making milkshakes, and handing out change. 

Once he gets off work, Remus walks down to the cafe. He doesn’t exactly know why he’s going there, it’s not like he wants to see his father. Remus spent the last five years trying to forget he even existed.

But maybe Remus did want to see his father. Maybe deep down Remus would always be Lyall’s boy and he’d always run back to his father, even if he didn’t want to. There’s something about rejection that makes you vulnerable. You can be spiteful, hateful, and you can convince yourself that you hate your rejector, but there is always going to be a part of you that desperately needs their acceptance.

So maybe that’s what compels Remus to walk to that cafe, sit down at a table, and order a hot chocolate even though Remus hadn’t drunk one since he discovered the wonders of coffee. He stares out the windows intently, keeping an eye out for a man that might resemble his father. He taps his fingers against the table and bites his lips nervously as more people enter and exit the cafe and the arms of the analog clockwork it’s way around. 

At ten pm, a short Asian girl in an apron walks up to Remus’s table and offers him an apologetic smile.

“Hi, we’re closing soon…”, she says.

Remus nods and takes his cue to leave. He chucks the empty hot chocolate cup into a trash bin and exits the cafe, entering the busy Portland streets and stumbling his way over to a bus stop. He thinks his eyes get hot, but he blinks away whatever heat was building up. He wasn’t going to cry. He was used to this. It was his life.

Holding himself together on that bus ride home is one of the hardest things he has ever done. Once he got off the bus, he runs back home, the typical ten-minute walk shortening to a mere two minutes. He opens the front door and slams it before heading into his room. He looks under his bed for the half-drank bottle of vodka he used for the Capri-Suns and pops the cap off before taking a generous gulp. _I’m no better than him_ he briefly thought before collapsing onto his bed. 

He gets an idea. It was a terrible idea, but he felt like he knew if he didn’t act now he’d never do it, and he couldn’t live with himself otherwise.

Remus fumbles around for his phone and stares at it. Despite his better judgment, he scrolls into his contacts and taps on one that he knew he shouldn’t. He takes another sip of the vodka before pressing the call button. He doesn’t even wait more than two seconds before the voice on the other line picks up.

_“Hello?”_

“I’m sorry”, Remus says. “I’m sorry, Sirius”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary-
> 
> James- Befriends Lily and Remus through their group chat. Talks to Lily about his home life and Lily tells him that her father was an alcoholic and passed away when she was twelve and her sister recently ran away.
> 
> Sirius- Brady gets violent with Sirius and threatens to out Sirius if he isn't more careful with what he posts on social media. Remus instigates an altercation with Sirius.
> 
> Remus- Gets a phone call while at work from his father who recently got out of prison. He asks to see Remus but stands him up, sending Remus into a flurry of emotions. Remus gets home and calls Sirius.


	4. Sixteen Going on Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not a summary, but BIG shoutout to [ reallybigkitten ](https://reallybigkitten.tumblr.com/) who is a live saver and contributed sooooo much to this chapter and pretty much wrote all of the witty lines, including the masterpiece that is the last line. I'm forever in debt!!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW: Mentions of Child Abuse, Homophobia, Self Harm, Growing Up With Drug Addicted Parents, and Mentions of Sucide Attempts.**
> 
> These topics are talked about in-depth and in detail. Please tread lightly. 
> 
> Also, I've tried my best to write of all these topics correctly and accurately. So I think I did an okay job portraying them. Of course, if you see something that seems inaccurate, feel free to yell at me in my comments. I don't like writing about things I haven't personally experienced or know somebody who has experienced it, so please know that most of what is written in this chapter is based on people I know who have experienced these topics and my own experiences, unfortunately. But still, there is always room for error and negative stereotypes. Please tread lightly and look out for yourself. I've provided a summary of this chapter at the end notes, so please read that if you don't want to read this chapter but still would like to know what happens.
> 
> Also, the chapter title is a reference to the wonderful movie 'Thirteen Going on Thirty'. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy this chapter, even if it's a bit dark.

**_Sirius_ **

“Remus?” Sirius asks, clutching his phone next to his ear. He knew it was Remus even before he picked up. He never deleted his contact. As soon as he picks up the phone, he considers hanging up. Maybe it’s a joke, maybe Remus had been dared by one of his skate friends or maybe even Lily Evans to call Sirius and say some dumb bullshit. So Sirius is surprised to hear Remus’s shakey, fragile voice. Surely if he was with friends, he wouldn’t sound like he was on the verge of crying.

_“I’m sorry Sirius.”_

Sirius feels his eyes get wide. That was _not_ what he was expecting. 

“Remus, what…”, what could he even say to that? What was he _supposed_ to say? 

_“No, let me talk, Sirius. I’ve got a lot I want to say to you and if I don’t say it now, I don’t think I ever will. So let me talk”_

Sirius frowns. He flops himself onto his bed and positions himself so he’s leaning against his wall with one hand and clutching his phone with the other, like a teenage girl. He knows he should just hang up the phone and go back to the English homework he had been working on. He knows he shouldn’t engage in this conversation, especially if it was a dare or one of Remus’s grand ploys to embarrass the hell out of him. He knows Remus shouldn’t even apologize to Sirius, that Sirius was the one who messed it all up, broke their friendship, and severed all ties with his friend. He should hang up. Sirius knows this, but he doesn’t hang up.

“Okay, Remus”, Sirius says, his voice surprisingly calm and steady, even though he feels like screaming or throwing up or maybe both. “I’ll listen to you”.

_“Sirius, I’m sorry. I’ve been a dick to you these last years. I know… I know you weren’t perfect either, you fucking ghosted me and befriended a gigantic dick who loves to make my life hell, but once I decided I hated you, I hated you. I said so many insensitive things and I beat the shit out of you in freshman year and I feel terrible about it. I really do. I just wish we could go back to the way things were when we were fourteen. I don’t know what happened Sirius... I really don’t. And I’d like to know. I’m sick and tired of feeling like people that matter to me can walk all over me or that I’m a pushover. So please, just talk to me. Just tell me what I did wrong. What was it, Sirius? What did I do wrong?”_

Sirius pales. He never thought that Remus would have blamed himself for their fallout. It made Sirius feel all kinds of guilt that he had long tried to bury.

“You didn’t do anything, Remus”, he breathes.

The line goes uncomfortably quiet for a minute before Remus speaks again. _“Do you wanna come over? I think we’ve got a lot to talk about, and I think it would be better to do it face to face”._

Sirius feels the air grow cold. He knows he should. He at least owes Remus an explanation. So he agrees and slips on his shoes before carefully opening his bedroom door. He slides out of his room and treads lightly down the hall, careful not to step on any creaky floorboards or even breathe too loudly. He wouldn’t want his parents, or even Regulus, to get an inkling that he was sneaking out. His mother would for sure throw a fit and she was already pretty riled up from catching Orion’s other woman in the house the other night. There was no need for Sirius to push that envelope.

He didn’t even know why he was risking so much for Remus Lupin. Maybe he felt bad. Remus was troubled, Sirius knew that, so maybe he felt guilty that he made Remus’s life harder than it already had to be. But then again, Remus Lupin made Sirius’s life just as equally hard.

Sirius slips out the front door and hurries over to his car. It’s a nice car, a black Mercedes that Orion bought Sirius for his sixteenth birthday. Sirius opens the front door and hops into the driver’s seat, pulling his keys out and jamming into his engine. He doesn’t even think about Brady’s previous threats of outing him for stepping a toe out of line as he turns the keys and starts the engine.

Sirius pulls out of the driveway and prays that his parents are fast asleep and won’t hear the revving of his car engine or the wheels skid down the road. He speeds his way down the streets, large McMansions fuzzing into a stream of cream-colored blurs.

It takes fifteen minutes to get to the other side of town. Sirius knows he’s in Remus’s neighborhood when the homes are the size of large trailers and the sound of dogs barking can be heard from every direction. It stuns Sirius how his own neighborhood and Remus’s can belong to the same school district, nonetheless the same school.

Remus’s house is a shabby single-story home with a green roof and a metal wired fence surrounding the backyard. Sirius nearly crashes when he spots it, jumping with a shock of nostalgia. He forces himself to steady his hands and continues on. He parks alongside the curb, even though the driveway is empty. Ms. Lupin would probably park there whenever she got back from wherever she was. Sirius assumes she’s working. She used to work a lot when Sirius first started coming around.

Sirius steps out of the car and walks up the front door. He notices the lights are off and when nobody answers his knock on the door, he heads over the backyard and hops over the chain link fence.

Sure enough, Remus Lupin is sitting on the edge of the shabby wooden porch, smoking a cigarette and staring at his feet. Sirius has seen him like this so many times that for a moment he’s back in the summer before high school when everything changed. Remus looks practically the same from when they were fourteen, except with darker bags under his eyes and less baby fat. But he still looks relatively the same, he’s even wearing that same red flannel. Sirius secretly wonders if Remus ever washes it but decides he doesn’t want to know the answer.

“What’s up?” Sirius asks, trying to seem as casual as he could. He tried to give Remus a steady look, even though Remus hadn’t looked up since Sirius got there, too busy looking at his feet. Sirius takes another few steps closer to Remus and debates sitting down next to him. He sways around for a second before sighing and taking a seat next to Remus. “You wanted me to come here?” He asks, wondering if he maybe misheard Remus’s request. Maybe he hadn’t asked Sirius to come over at all and Sirius just heard ‘do you want to come over’ because it’s what he wanted to hear. Maybe Sirius made it all up and invited himself over.

“We don’t hate each other, do we?” Remus finally says, his eyes burning a hole in the grass. He seemed bent on not looking at Sirius and that was okay. Sirius didn’t know what he would do if Remus looked at him, really looked at him. 

“No. We don’t”. Sirius looks up at the sky so as to not look at Remus. He thinks he sees his star, but the Portland smog renders the surrounding suburbs foggy, so Sirius couldn’t be sure. “I never hated you, you know”.

He thinks he hears Remus chuckle from beside him. “Right. That must be why you avoided me like the plague for these last two years. And don’t say you haven’t been. Don’t deny it, Sirius. You avoided me.”

“You’re right. I did”, Sirius admits. “I’m not going to deny it”.

“Good. You’ve never been much of a liar”, Remus says and if it were any other circumstances, Sirius might think he was teasing. “Just tell me what happened, cause I’m fucking curious. I think about it a lot, you know that? I think about what I could have possibly done to have made you hate me… or I _thought_ you hated me. So tell me, Sirius. What exactly happened when we were fourteen?”

Sirius feels his heart drop to the pit of his stomach. He takes a shaky breath and exhales even shakier. Should he just come clean and tell Remus the truth? It was a pathetic truth. Remus might _actually_ start to hate him if he knew the truth. But Sirius owed it to Remus. Sirius was the one who cut Remus off. Sirius was the one who stood by and watched him getting bullied and Sirius was the one who instigated most of their fist fights. Sirius started this feud, he might as well finish it.

“I used to like you,” Sirius starts. He forces his eyes away from the sky to look at Remus from the corner of his eye. Remus is looking at Sirius with a blank expression, or maybe he’s a bit mad. Sirius can’t tell in the dark.

“I think I knew that already, we were fucking friends after all-”

“No”, Sirius cuts in. He stops fucking around and looks at Remus in the eyes, grey meeting amber. “I used to _like_ you. Really like you. Like-like you”.

Remus gives Sirius another puzzled look and Sirius wonders if he’s high. From what Sirius last heard, Remus was a bit of a stoner. It was funny, almost ironic that two middle school best friends grew to be a jock and a burnout. 

“What do you mean?” Remus asks.

Sirius sighs. “I’m gay Remus. I’m really fucking gay and I used to have a crush on you”.

Remus goes blank, continuing to stare at Sirius with expressionless amber eyes and slightly opened lips. 

Great. This is when Sirius either got punched or told off. But at least Remus knew the truth and Sirius could move on with his life. He only ruined his childhood friendship for it.

“Okay, but why did you stop talking to me then?” Remus asks, finally breaking the silence.

“What?”

Remus rolls his eyes in a way that meant ‘you’re being dumb’. “Why did you stop talking to me then”, he repeats but slower, like he was talking to a three-year-old. “Why did you start avoiding me all of a sudden?”

“You’re not…”, Sirius trails off. He quirks his head and furrows his eyebrows. “You’re not freaked out? You’re not mad about me being gay?”

Sirius isn’t out to anybody except Brady, who sort of figured it out. Sirius occasionally thought about what would happen if he came out to somebody. He expected yelling, cursing, and maybe some threats. Sure, Sirius lives in a mostly liberal Portland suburb and every other house and small business has a pride flag hanging from a window, but small businesses and bumper stickers meant jack shit in highschool. Even in the most liberal areas, high school football teams were home base to some of the most homophobic, closed-minded pricks. If Sirius were to tell _anybody_ on the team (other than Brady of course) that he was gay, he’d be sure to be on the receiving end of a lot of locker-room shit talk and passive-aggressive remarks. The other boys on the team would be so freaked out by having a gay see them naked in the showers that they’d probably make him shower separately or worse-- kick him off the team. 

If Sirius were to come out to his parents, he’d surely be disowned without a second thought.Walburga already hated him simply for existing. Sirius would be thrown to the curb before he could even pack a bag. And Brady wouldn’t treat him much better-, he was so scared of people figuring out that he was gay that he’d probably ice Sirius out if he ever came out, just to avoid suspicious eyes. 

Coming out for Sirius meant losing his only friends, his family, and his boyfriend. The only person he could possibly think would stick by him was Regulus, and even that was questionable. So Sirius never dreamt of coming out to anybody, not in high school at least. He always planned on going to some University on the East Coast and starting a new life for himself there. That’s when he’d come out to people. Not now. 

So Sirius wasn’t expecting Remus to be so nonchalant about Sirius being gay, forget having a crush on him.

“No. Why would I be freaked out?” Remus asks like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Half my friends are gay. Marlene and Dorcas are lesbians… _and_ dating each other”, he adds the last part with an eye roll and groans, which makes Sirius jump a bit. Remus seems to catch this and apologies quickly. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it in a homophobic way, it’s just that Marlene is constantly showing up late to work cause she’s off sucking face with Dorcas. We work together, by the way. Anyways, Lily is pan and she went out with our friend Mary for a bit. Mary’s straight, though, so they broke up pretty soon after she figured that out but they’re still really good friends. So basically what I’m trying to say is that I’m constantly surrounded by people in the LGBT+ community and I _hate_ homophobes. So I’m really not freaked out”. He finishes with a smile and Sirius feels his nerves dissipate.

“What about your skate friends?”

Remus gives him a confused look before bursting out laughing. “My _skate friends_? You mean like those kids I skate with?”

Sirius nods to which Remus starts laughing again. Sirius really didn’t see what was so funny about it all.

“Oh my god, you’re such a stalker”, Remus laughs. He doesn’t say it accusatory or disgustingly, rather lighthearted and teasingly. “They’re my friends but not my _friends_ if that makes sense. Like… I don’t go to them with my life problems and shit. We mostly just smoke weed together. And they’re not homophobic… I’m pretty sure they’re too high at all times to formulate any hateful thoughts.”

Sirius stares at the grass by his feet as Remus continues to laugh. He felt stupid and didn’t know why. It was a valid fear that Remus was going to sock him in the face when he came out.

“I just thought you might not… take too well to it”, Sirius says weakly.

Remus stifles his laughter to look at Sirius. “We live ten fucking minutes outside of Portland, Sirus. There are like ten homophobic people within a fifteen-mile radius and they all are on the football team-- Oh.”

Sirius nods. Remus finally seems to get it.

“So then… are you out to them?” Remus asks, his voice stripped of laughter and instead laced with caution. 

Sirius shakes his head. “They don’t know and they can’t know. Like you said, they are pretty… old fashioned. They’d probably find a way to kick me off the team if they ever found out and I need to stay on the team if I want to get into a good university out of state. I’m trying to go to the East Coast for college, figured I’d be far enough away from my parents cause… well you know how they are”.

Remus nods, looking apologetic. 

“Hey look, I’m really sorry that I said all that shit the other day in class. I didn’t mean it-- or well I did-- but it was a heat-of-the-moment kind of thing. I know your life is hard and I shouldn’t have discredited you, especially in front of everyone”, Remus says.

Sirius offers him a small smile. “It’s alright. There’s a lot I should apologize for too, but we’ll get to that in good time. I’ve gotta explain everything first. Like I was saying before, my parents are crazy and I don’t know if you could piece it together yourself, but they are extremely homophobic. They’d kick me out if they knew. They disowned my Uncle Al and my cousin Andromeda without thinking twice. I couldn’t deal with losing my family, the roof over my head, _and_ my friends. I didn’t want them to think I was gay and I think I was in denial at that point. So I did what at the time seemed like the best idea; I ghosted you and joined the straightest sport I could think of. I didn’t think it would make me straight… but I thought it would… I don’t know… put a lid on my gayness if I distanced myself from the boy I had a crush on and joined a stereotypically masculine sport. I guess it didn’t work, though, and now I live in constant fear that if I come out, my family and friends will turn their backs on me”.

“They aren’t your real friends and family if they would do that to you. They’re pieces of homophobic shit and you deserve better than that”, Remus says with finality. He gives Sirius a determined look and Sirius can see sparks of gold course through his eyes as he stares. 

“Thanks. No… no one’s ever said that to me”, Sirius sputters. Not even Brady.

“Well, maybe you aren’t hanging around the right people then”, Remus counters.

“Maybe”. Sirius sighs and rubs his temples. God damn Remus Lupin for treating Sirius so good when it was the last thing he deserved.

“No, there’s no maybe”. Remus shuffles around the front pocket of his flannel and pulls out a pack of Camels. Sirius watches Remus’s nimble fingers pull out a cigarette and place it in between his chapped lips. Remus cups his hands around the cigarette as he lights it and not for the first time, Sirius feels fourteen again that night. “You deserve people who will treat you right”, Remus says as he exhales a cloud of smoke.

Sirius’s throat catches and he doesn’t speak in fear that if he did, he’d start bawling like a baby on Remus’s back porch. Instead, he stares at the sky again, focusing on his breathing in an attempt to collect himself. _Pull yourself together, Sirius_ , he scolds. 

“Why don’t you just vape like a normal teenager?” Sirius says instead of acknowledging Remus’s previous comment. 

Remus just chuckles and doesn’t question it. He probably knows that Sirius was trying to change the conversation. 

“I like smoking”, Remus muses, taking another drag on his cigarette. “And for your information, I do vape. I bring it to school ‘cause it’s much easier to vape in the bathroom than to smoke in it. But I prefer cigarettes. I’ve liked them ever since I first tried them when I was eleven”.

“You’ve been smoking since you were eleven!?” He balks.

Remus laughs. “Yeah… it’s not actually that young. My friend Ricky has been smoking since he was nine and he tried weed when he was eleven, so really I’m a late bloomer”.

Sirius’s eyes get wide and he shakes his head. “No, you’re not a late bloomer! Kids aren’t supposed to smoke”, he says. “Actually, people aren’t supposed to smoke in general”.

Remus just shrugs and takes an obnoxiously long drag from his cigarette before holding it out and staring at it. “Have you ever smoked, Sirius?” he asks softly.

Sirius shakes his head. He has not. Coach says it’s bad for the lungs and strictly prohibits vaping and smoking. Sirius never had a desire to fuck up his lungs anyway, so it wasn’t a big sacrifice for himself. But as he looks at Remus pull on the smoke, he can’t help but wonder what was so appealing about a stick that (from what he’s heard) tastes like shit.

“Nope”.

Remus looks up at Sirius, his eyes twinkling with mischief. “You wanna try?”

Sirius bites his lip. He kinda did.

Remus doesn’t need a verbal answer. He just passes over the almost burnt-out cigarette and intertwines it in between Sirius’s fingers. Sirius stares at the cigarette for a second before pulling it to his lips and taking a drag of it. The smoke hits the back of his throat and travels into his lungs, leaving behind a terrible burning sensation. He shoves the cigarette back to Remus and coughs violently.

“What the fuck? My lungs are on fire and it tasted like shit. How the hell did an eleven-year-old Remus Lupin tolerate this?” Sirius croaks.

Remus takes one last drag of his cigarette and puts it out. “I liked the way it burnt”, he admits thoughtfully. 

“Where the fuck did you even get the smokes from?” Sirius asks, still sputtering a bit. Even if he wasn’t in football, Sirius would never touch a cigarette again in his life.

“My dad”, Remus says and Sirius feels himself get dizzy. If he’d known that would be Remus’s answer he wouldn’t have mentioned it. Remus hates talking about his dad. “I was at his apartment for the weekend. It was the same weekend he got arrested and while the police were shuffling around the apartment, I just snuck his pack into my night bag and took it back with me to my mom’s place. My dad always smoked when he got worked up… which happened a lot. He was an angry man, you know. So I figured it would… I don’t know… work me down? I hope that makes sense”.

Sirius nods. It made sense.

“I never apologized”, Sirius starts. “I’m sorry I made those comments about your dad. It was really shitty of me. I don’t know why I said all of the shit I said, and I’m not just talking about our recent conversations. I’m sorry about everything I’ve done the last two years. I’m sorry for avoiding you and ignoring you and standing by as Brady rocked your shit. I’m sorry that I joined in with his bullying and I’m sorry that I ruined our friendship”. He takes a breath.

Remus chuckles a bit. “It’s fine.”

“No, it’s really not”.

“I don’t care if it’s fine or not. I’m just really just glad that you told me everything. And don’t worry about me blabbering. I don’t blabber”.

Sirius gives Remus a crooked look. “Thanks”, he pauses, a question bubbling on his lips. He lets it sit on the tip of his tongue as he debates whether or not to ask it. He wasn’t _friends_ with Remus. All he knows is that Remus didn’t hate him. Sirius has no business asking Remus the question, but he really wants to.

“What have you been up to these last two years?”

 ** _Remus_**

“Nothing good”, Remus answers truthfully, although he hopes Sirius interprets it as humor. Remus had done nothing good these last two years. He’s done plenty of bad things and hurt numerous people, but no good things.

“If I tell you what I’ve been up to these last years, will you tell me what you’ve been doing?” Sirius asks somberly in a way that suggested his two years weren’t any better than Remus’s. It's his somberness that prompts Remus to nod his head.

Sirius takes a shaky breath. “Okay, well before we start, I think we need to make a deal. Nothing that is said here can be repeated elsewhere. You can’t even tell Lily. Got it?”

Remus grins. He wouldn’t have it any other way. “Yep”.

Sirius nods. “Good. I guess I should start, then. My mother, my dear precious mother, has only gotten worse as the years progressed. My dad started seeing this woman, she’s ten years younger than him and works for some modeling agency, that’s all I know about her. I’ve only seen her once while she was rushing into her car after my mom walked in on them”.

Remus winces a bit, imagining how it all went down. He’d only seen Sirius’s parents maybe three times and all three times when Sirius had to get picked up earlier for disruptive behavior in middle school, but he had heard Sirius recount horror story after horror story about them. They sounded like terrible people and made Remus even more grateful that he at least had his mother.

“Shit, I’m sorry. When did this happen?”

Sirius gulps. “End of Freshmen year”. Sirius tilts his head back and his long black hair trickles down his back. Remus finds himself starting, admiring the silky strands and wondering how they’d feel in between his fingers. _Wait, what?_

“My mom got worse after that. Her drinking was always heavy, you know that, but after she found out about that affair, she just lost it. She doesn’t work, so all she does is stay in that house and drink. She drinks mimosas and Irish coffee with breakfast, wine with lunch, and cocktails with dinner. She’s drunk when I leave for school and drunk when I get home. All she does is yell, snoop around, and find things to fight about. Luckily she’s been trapping herself up in her room lately, but during my Sophomore year, she had been really… upset. And most of the time she was _upset_ with me.” 

Remus feels his stomach curl. He doesn’t like the way Sirius says _‘upset with me’_.

“Sirius… what do you mean, she was ‘upset’ with you?” Remus asks. He watches as Sirius sighs loudly and wraps his fingers in the grass, pulling out clumps of it and throwing it. Too bad Sirius didn’t smoke, he looked like he could use one.

“She hurt me, Remus”, Sirius croaks, his voice getting tight and constricted. It sounded like he was about to cry. “She fucking hurts me, Remus. Pots, Pans, anything she can get her hands on when she gets mad”. Sirius sniffles a bit and covers his face with the palm of his hands, mumbling something incoherent under his breath.

Remus stares at Sirius in horror. He didn’t know that Walburga Black had taken to hurting her eldest son. He had no clue the extent of Sirius’s hellish home life. He felt awfully bad for mocking him all those times in the hallways, making quick jabs and poking fun of Sirius’s homelife situation. He feels guilty.

Remus scots closer to Sirius and puts an arm on his shoulder. 

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay”, he coos. He didn’t know what to do or say. Remus had never been hit by his parents. Sure his father had done numerous questionable things in the past, but Lyall Lupin had never laid a hand on Remus. 

Sirius shudders and removes his hands from his reddened face. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“Don’t apologize” Remus cuts in. “You don’t have to apologize anymore”.

Sirius nods. “Thanks… I don’t think I will”, he says with a small smile. “So my mom gets worked up sometimes and gets upset with me. It’s only sometimes. Most of the time we miss each other, she’s usually in her room mopping around and I’m usually anywhere but home. But on the days we catch each other, it’s terrible. I’ve still got a nasty scar on my back from when my mom threw a vase at me”.

“A vase?!” Remus exclaims. What kind of parent throws a vase at their child?

“A vase”, Sirius confirms. It pains Remus to hear his former childhood friend speak of his abuse so casually as if it’s nothing. A few quiet moments pass, both boys seemingly lost in their own thoughts. “It’s fine Remus. I’d actually prefer if we’d not talk anymore about it anymore and I believe you owe me your two years”, Sirius finishes. His voice is hard and cold and Remus knows even if he pried, Sirius wouldn’t reveal any more information. Maybe another time.

Remus blanks. “Oh, right”, he says, remembering his part of the deal. “Well, it’s really not all that. I guess I should just get the shocking part out of the way”. 

Remus fidgets with the hem of his flannel. His mother bought it for him from a second-hand shop in the heart of Portland when he was thirteen and he has worn it every single day since he was fourteen. The only time he ever took it off was when he was sleeping or if he had another jacket on. He never showed his bare arms.

Remus unbuttons the cuffs of his flannel and slides it off. He’s aware of Sirius’s piercing eyes as his pale, sliced arms shine in the moonlight. From the base of his shoulder to the start of his palm, lines of varying sizes and shapes litter his arm.

He has small ones that are thin and milky. He gave himself most of those during his middle school years when he first discovered the wonders of a razor blade. He can’t remember every time he’s self-harmed (whether it be because of the sheer amount of times he had or the fact that many of his bigger scars had been inflicted when he was under the influence), but he can point out the scar from when he first harmed. It’s a thin stringy scar on his left upper-forearm, almost in the crevice of his elbow. He had done it with a purple sewing scissor from his mom’s sewing kit. It wasn't deep and it hardly bled, but it was deep enough to scar. 

Some of his scars were large and messy, like the one on his right shoulder. He had taken a jagged rock he found on the street and ripped it across his shoulder one night last year when he was fifteen. The roughness of the rock’s edge left him with a bulging white scar. He also had scars that were still healing that are a sickening purple hue. 

The two most noticeable, and concerning scars he had were two identical slits that line vertically down his inner wrists. Everybody knew what those meant. 

“Remus”, Sirius whispers, his voice getting lost in the night sky. Sirius closes his open mouth and slumps over, seemingly lost for words. Maybe Sirius was feeling what Remus had felt not just two minutes ago when Sirius was the one exchanging stories.

“How long?” Sirius finally manages to ask.

“I’ve been cutting since I was twelve”, Remus says surprisingly easily. The only people who know about his cutting are Dorcas, Marlene, Mary, and Lily, although Lily was the only one who knew the extent of it. The other three found out via a game of ‘Never Have I Ever’. Remus always expected talking about his cutting to be a nerve-wracking and painful experience, but he felt no inflection of emotions as Sirius stares at his scars. If anything, it was a relief to let somebody else into the anomaly that was Remus Lupin.

“I just felt so... pent up, you know?” Sirius nods understandingly, of course he knew. “My dad was in jail and my mom was working like a dog to put food on the table. I was a lonely kid, I didn’t really have many friends before I met you. Plus, I was on the brink of puberty which didn’t help. It was all just too much so I took my mom’s sewing scissor and went to town, I guess. It felt good. You don’t expect it to feel good, but it does. It feels so fucking good.”

“I have a hard time believing that”, Sirius says. “I’ve never willingly wished for pain”.

Suddenly, Remus feels another wave of guilt attack him. Sirius came from an abusive household where he got unwarranted pain meanwhile Remus willingly and repeatedly hurt himself. Remus couldn’t help but feel a bit disgusted with himself.

“I’m sorry, Sirius.”

Sirius shakes his head and waves a hand in the air. “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. They’re two completely different things. Just because I can’t imagine myself doing that, doesn’t mean your reasons are less valid. Please continue”, he pauses, “if you want to”. 

“I know this may sound… crazy… unfathomable even, but to me, cutting myself feels amazing. For a brief second, all of the craziness swarming around in my head just seems to freeze the second the blade pieces through my skin. Cutting helps clear my head when I’m overwhelmed. I’ve been trying to stop, I’ve been trying to stop since I started. But it’s really a losing battle”, Remus says with a sad smile.

He’s tried to stop so many times. The longest he’s gone is four months before life got a little too complicated and the shiny reflection of the razor blade became a little too alluring. 

“When was the last time you cut?” Sirius asks. His eyes get wide as soon as he asks the question and he offers Remus an apologetic look. “You don’t have to answer that. I’m sorry. That was a personal question”.

“It’s fine. The last time I cut was about a month ago. I’m trying to stop, I really am. Weed helps with it, but sometimes it just makes my head more clouded. Alcohol also helps, but I get scared when I drink too much… So sometimes cutting feels like my only option. I thought about it tonight, I was really tempted too.”

“Why?” Sirius asks, concerned.

“My dad… he’s out”, Remus says sheepishly.

“What?! Really?” Sirius asks.

Remus nods his head slowly. His throat gets sore and tight thinking about his night. “That’s actually why I called you. He asked to meet up at some cafe tonight, but he was a no show. I should’vea known. I’m stupid for thinking he would change. It’s my fault, really”.

He slips his flannel back on, starting to feel uncomfortable under Sirius’s worried eyes. He buttons up the sleeves by his wrist, putting it on the tightest button in order to prevent his flannel from slipping down and revealing his cuts.

“I know you’re probably looking at the two big ones on my wrist and I’d like to just acknowledge them now. Yes, I tried to kill myself. It was the winter of freshman year, a few months after you started ignoring me. My mom had just lost her job at the hospital and we were really struggling for a month or two. I was still upset about my dad, I was so angry at him. I was angry at him for being such a shit absent parent-- or at least that’s what I was thinking at the time. I think I understand him a little better now”. He sighs, looking down at his arm. As much as Remus hates to admit it, he has his own addictions and he knows just how hard they are to quit.

“The days he did see me he was high and even at eleven, I could recognize that. I was fucking there when he got arrested, it was his weekend to fucking watch me and he fucked it by trying to sell to an undercover cop. Who the fuck sells drugs while their kid is over? Seeing him get arrested fucked me up for a while. He needed help, not to be arrested. I like to believe that if he was in a better place, he might have been able to be a better parent. But still, I was pissed and I am pissed that he was so fucked up. Fucked up people shouldn’t have kids, it’ll just fuck them up too”.

“Some days I think it’s good that he went to prison, because I remember all the times he took me places a little kid shouldn’t have been and I remember seeing him poke himself with those fucking needles, just like I poke myself with knives, and I wonder what would happen if he saw me grow up. My mom didn’t know that he was still using at the time. Apparently, he had gotten clean when I was about seven and it lasted long enough for the court to grant him every other weekend with me. So nobody knew that he was still using and that I was seeing every second of it.”

“I used to resent him for it, I resented him so fucking much. I always thought he had chosen heroin over his only son, but now I know that isn’t the case. It’s like… Lily walked in on me when I tried to kill myself. She said I forgot my hoodie or whatever and she just let herself in. She saw me in my room with my wrists bleeding out and she tied my hoodie around my arm and got her sister to drive me to the hospital. It was a whole fucking ordeal and I still feel guilty about it to this day. We didn’t have insurance at the time so my mom had to use savings she was trying to put into keeping the house and I scared the shit out of my mom and Lily. I confessed to the cutting among other stuff… imagine my mother finding out that her little honor roll student was a cutter and had been smoking for three years! She cried for a week straight after I got back from the hospital and I knew it wasn’t over the hospital bill”.

“My mom talked to me for hours, she felt incredibly guilty for being out job hunting all the time. She tried to be there for me, and she still is, even if I hardly see her around anymore. And Lily, she's my best friend. I’d take a bullet for that girl, but apparently, I can’t stop cutting for her. I know she doesn’t like it, but it feels like I can’t stop sometimes. So that’s how I understand my dad. He loved… loves… whatever me, but he couldn’t stop shooting up. I still feel abandoned by him sometimes… like tonight. He’s probably out getting high right now instead of visiting me, but I guess I can’t blame him. After I got over the initial feeling of abandonment, I realized that I’m more like him than I thought. The first thing I did when I got home was take a shot of vodka. So I guess I’m not mad at him… or maybe I am. Who knows? All I know is that I truly hope he’s doing better for himself, but I don’t know if I can see him. It brings back too many painful memories.”

“Jesus, Remus... I’m so sorry. I’m SO fucking sorry! You don’t deserve what life has thrown your way. You are strong and you are brave. Don’t ever forget that, okay?” Sirius throws an arm around Remus and pulls him into his side. It’s awkward, and Remus is a good five inches taller than Sirius, but they make their side-hug work. Sirius strings his hand against Remus’s head and allows him to rest his head against Sirius’s leather-clad shoulder. 

“Friends?” Sirius asks.

“Friends”, Remus says and he’s never felt more like a teenage girl in a rom-com before.

“No more secrets?” Sirius asks.

Remus nods his head against Sirius’s shoulder. “No more secrets”, he confirms.

Sirius strokes Remus’s hair gently and Remus doesn’t throw him off. Instead, he leans further into Sirius’s shoulder. They both stare into the night sky, their eyes fixated on the stars shining above them and the moon casting a spotlight on the newfound friends. They mull over the night events in a comfortable silence. 

Life isn’t a rom-com, though. There would always be secrets. In that moment beneath the stars, on the porch they spent so many days that summer two years back, both boys had no idea that the other had lied that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Remus and Sirius talk about their friendship. Sirius explains why he ended his friendship with Remus, comes out to him, and tells Remus about his abusive household. Remus tells Sirius about his struggles with self-harm, his mother's financial struggles, his suicide attempt, and that his father was out of jail and stood him up. Both boys apologize to each other, Sirius for ignoring Remus and taking part in Remus's bullying, and Remus for constantly making fun of Sirius's home situation. Remus begins to feel attracted to Sirius (although he doesn't know that because he has Oblivious Bisexual Syndrome and thinks he's straight). They decide to be friends again and to stop lying to eachother, although both boys still hold on to a few secrets.
> 
> I literally listened to Haru Haru on repeat to bring myself to be sad enough to write this chapter. Hope you enjoyed<3


	5. Think About the Place you First met me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title comes from Getaway Car by Taylor Swift. Also, I made a little playlist of 'Chill Vibe' songs, basically what I imagine James to be listening on that reoccurring playlist. [ check it out if you want ](https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL13OlE-JJ65-6NCZxoShg1IhUt5Vu4P5E)
> 
> big thank you to [ summerisokayatwriting ](https://summerisokayatwriting.tumblr.com/) for patiently answering my questions about portland. 
> 
> And once again, big thank you to [ reallybigkitten ](https://reallybigkitten.tumblr.com/) for being the most vigilant and best beta ever.
> 
> ALSO, if you couldn't already tell, this fic takes place in a fictional portland suburb called 'Godric's Hollow". It is set vaguely in the late 2010's because that's when the show 'Trinkets' takes place and also because I am a sucker for late 2010's rom-coms. (think The Duff, To all the Boys, Crazy Rich Asians) ... so yeah. oh and Ricky Madeira is an OC and his last name is the last name of the actress who plays Moe (the character that Remus is based on) in 'Trinkets'.

**_Saturday_ **

“I heard that kids these days have been all over Matcha lately so when I was at Trader Joe’s and I saw a jar of matcha powder for only twenty dollars, I just knew I had to get it. You should try some James. I mix mine with a little almond milk and sugar and it tastes absolutely amazing. It’s got a very… foreign aroma”.

James fights the urge to scoff. _Foreign_. That seemed to be Jenna’s favorite word. Sometimes James wonders if that’s why she married Fleamont; because he’s foreign. Anything foreign and ‘exotic’ seems to peak Jenna’s interest. It was quite disturbing, honestly. From Yoga to African Black Soap to Matcha, Jenna seemed to travel vicariously through whatever her new obsession was. It bothers James a bit. It makes him uncomfortable.

James slouches against the expensive leather of his father’s BMW, his fingers toying around with the wired earbuds in his lap. He’s never heard of any kid (his age at least) being that interested in Matcha, including himself. There wasn’t much James _wouldn’t_ give to make Jenna shut up. 

Fleamont had been caught up in the office, booked from morning to evening with appointments, and therefore wasn’t available to drop James off at his Shoplifting Anonymous meeting this week. After hearing this, James had suggested that he just sit this meeting out.Fleamont had suggested that Jenna take James, except it wasn’t much of a suggestion- Fleamont had decided sometime last week to grow a backbone and stop letting James get away with moping around the house. So when James protested the idea of Jenna driving him, Fleamont gave him an ultimatum: go to the meeting or lose phone privileges for a week. 

James had been quite enjoying the group chat between Lily and Remus and was not keen to lose it. He had been sitting with them every day last week at lunch and already would consider them friends. The only thing was, they seemed to do most of their communication via text messaging. He didn’t want to risk losing their friendship over a fifteen-minute drive with Jenna, so he bitterly agreed to go to the meeting.

“I’ve tried matcha before”, James says stubbornly. There was a shop in California that served matcha soft-serve ice cream. One of James’s friends from the team was Japanese and had introduced James to the place and offered him a bite of his ice cream. It was heavenly. “It’s good”.

Jenna gives him a victorious smile that makes James angry for some odd reason. “Really?”

“Yep”, James says. He untangles the earbuds in his lip and places one in his ear. He fumbles around his phone, looking for the Chill Vibes playlist that he’d been blasting on repeat. He hears Jenna say something, probably going on about some other ‘foreign’ product she read about in a wellness magazine, but he tunes her out as he presses play. He debates putting his other earbud in as ‘Young Dumb and Broke’ starts playing but pauses abruptly when Jenna says something that pulls him back to their conversation.

“Did your mother practice Hinduism?”

James whips his head up to look at Jenna. She doesn’t look at him, keeping her eyes placid and happily fixed on the road with one hand draped over the steering wheel.

“What?”

“Oh, I said did you or your mother practice Hinduism? I know Fleamont used to before I met him, but he left the religion. I’m only wondering because I’ve been reading this book recently about-”

“Does it matter?” James snaps. Jenna spares a quick glance at him, her blue eyes filled with worry. Maybe she realized just exactly what she had asked.

“No, I suppose not”.

“I don’t know if you’ve forgotten, but my mother is dead. It doesn’t matter if she practiced Hinduism or not. And I don’t know why you think you can talk to me about all your _foreign_ bullshit. I don’t give a fuck about your matcha lattes, or chai, or any of it. I know my dad likes hearing you ramble about whatever new culture you’ve taken an interest in, but I don’t. I don’t know if you look at me and see someone who looks like a boy in your travel magazine and think I’m India’s spokesman or something, but I’m not. I can’t even speak Hindi fluently. If you really need to talk about Hinduism to someone ask my father, you know, your husband? He’s the one who was born in India, anyways…”, he trails off, feeling his anger dissipate. 

Jenna gives him an apologetic look. “I’m sorry James”. 

“It’s fine”, James says, pushing both earbuds back in his ears. He figured that if he put both buds in, Jenna would be less likely to strike up another conversation with him.

This wasn’t the first time Jenna had brought up something involving India with James. Half of their limited conversations were about James’s ethnicity. It was exhausting. He’d prefer she simply did not talk to him if the other option was getting his ear talked off about _his_ own culture. 

Jenna pulls up to the curb next to the building where the meetings take place and James hops out of the car and scrambles into the building, not bothering to spare Jenna a second glance. It reminds him of his first day at Hogwarts, how he’d run out of his father’s car. Maybe James had a thing for dramatic exits.

James walks through the hallway of the building -- he thinks it might be a church during the rest of the week -- and enters the meeting room. 

To his utter surprise, Sirius and Remus were already there and were sitting next to each other. Even more surprising, they appear to be having a civil conversation and possibly enjoying each other’s company instead of beating each other to a bloody pulp (which Lily said on the sly had apparently happened in freshman year, which resulted in Remus getting a hefty suspension). Remus says something and waves his arms about and Sirius laughs heartily at whatever Remus said. This was definitely weird.

Remus spots James from across the room and waves at him, beckoning him over. James obliges and walks over to the two teens.

“Hey”, he said.

Remus patted down at the empty metal chair next to him. “Hi, James, why don’t you sit with us?”

James takes the seat nervously and looks at the two boys. Sirius stares at his feet and Remus smiles at him.

“We’re cool now”, Remus explains chirpily. James doesn’t get a chance to ask how exactly they became ‘cool’ with each other in the last twenty-four hours as Remus hits Sirius lightly on his shoulder. “Sirius, apologize to James”.

Sirius looks back up from his feet and gives James a sheepish look. “I’m sorry for being a dick to you last week”, he says while scratching the back of his neck. 

James furrows his eyebrows in confusion. Was Sirius Black actually apologizing to him right now? The leather-clad quarterback who had been nothing but menacing to James since he had spilled his drink on him over a week ago was _apologizing_ to him.

“Uh… it’s cool”, James says, not knowing what else to say.

Sirius nods and flashes him a small smile. “Cool”. He sits back in his seat and tugs at the bottom of his leather jacket looking effortlessly… _cool_.

James opens his mouth to ask Remus what exactly happened, seeing as just the previous day at lunch Remus had been cursing Sirius Black’s name and now they seem all buddy-buddy, but he was cut off when Cindy took the stand and started talking about today’s inspirational quote.

James sighs and dozes off. He really didn’t need these meetings anyways, his stealing was perfectly in control, thank you very much. He mulls over the possible ways Remus and Sirius could have possibly made up since the last time James saw them and counts down the minutes left until the meeting would mercifully end.

Fifteen minutes in, a young girl with dark curly hair takes the stand and starts to share her story. 

“I was twelve when I first started…”

Thirty minutes in, Cindy takes the stand again to share another inspirational quote.

Forty-five minutes in, James looks up to see Remus staring at Sirius from the corner of his eyes dreamily. James looks away, sensing he might have seen something he shouldn’t have.

An hour in, James gets a text from Jenna.

**(11:02 am) Jenna: should i leave to pick you up now?**

“Fuck”, James curses under his breath. Remus and Sirius turn to look at him

“What’s wrong?” Remus whispers.

James frowns at his phone and slips it back into his pocket. He’d text her once Cindy was done making her closing speech. 

“Nothing, just dreading going home, that’s all”, he answers honestly. Remus would understand. He had told James the other day that he hated being home alone all the time.

“Then don’t go home”, Remus suggests.

“What?”

“Let’s do something”, Remus explains. Cindy finishes up her speech and the room erupts in quite clapping, putting a halt to their whisper-conversation. People soon start standing and milling about the room.

“Like what?” James asks stupidly. He’d honestly do anything as long as it prolonged him going home.

Remus smiles and sends a knowing look towards Sirius. “I don’t know, what do you think we should do, Sirius?”

Sirius’s eyes widened in a way that meant he wasn’t aware he was also being included in this outing. He pushes a strand of his black hair behind his ear and scratches the back of his head.

“Hmm… there’s a new ice cream place down a few blocks. I heard from someone on the team that it’s really good”, Sirius says with a noncommittal shrug before his phone buzzes in his pocket. He pulls his phone out and frowns as he checks it. “They have soft serve”, he adds more pleasantly.

James nods and smiles. “I like soft serve”, he says, but at this point, he’d like _anything_ that meant another hour before he’d have to see Jenna.

“Great”, Remus says before leading the three boys out of the room. They didn’t even stop at the table with the free cookies and crackers, which James wasn’t complaining about. There were only so many Oreos one could eat before growing tired of them. 

They walk to the ice cream store with Sirius directing them and Remus trying to make conversation. At first, it’s mostly just Remus and Sirius making small talk with James trying to interject every now and then, just to show that he’s not totally inept at social interactions. Although truth be told, James is still half-scared of Sirius. With his shiny leather jacket, tight plaid pants, and his nonchalant attitude that he’d been sporting every time he was around James, James was slightly intimidated by Sirius. James wonders if the only thing keeping Sirius from reverting back to his hostile mannerisms was Remus. James also wonders how a boy that Sirius seemed to hate not one day ago was suddenly the glue between him and Sirius. On top of all of that, Sirius seems like he wanted to be anywhere but here. He constantly checks his phone and looks around over his shoulder as if he’s looking for some way to escape.

Sirius stops in front of a purple shop that is laid under a racket of apartments. James reads the signs hanging by the doorway, ‘Eddie’s Cream’, and is confident to say that this is most likely their stop. His theory is only confirmed when Sirius opens the door and beckons the boys.

“Ladies first”, he says and it’s the first time James had heard Sirius say something that wasn’t outright hostile or dismissive to him.

Eddie’s Cream is a weird ice cream parlor. In most of the ice cream places James has been to, you wait in line and go up to order and somebody will scoop your ice cream up for you and hand it to you. It was a very simple, straight-foward process. At Eddie’s Cream, you ordered on a large tablet embedded on the wall and waited for somebody to make your order. You could either pay upfront or on the tablet with a credit card. 

James frowns at the large tablet, not quite knowing how to work them. He had seen a few tablets like this in Cali, but they were nowhere near as popular as they were here. James struggles, jamming random buttons as he scrolls through the menu. He grows worried that he might not be able to place his order when Sirius appears by his side.

“Here, let me do it”, he says. James steps aside, happy to let someone else do it. “What size and flavor are you getting?”

“Medium, strawberry”, James replies. He watches as Sirius hits a few buttons. 

“Strawberry? You really are a soft boy”, Sirius laughs. “And any toppings?”

“Hmm… have they got gummy bears?” James asks. 

Sirius makes a retching noise but taps a few more buttons. “Ugh, you get gummies on _strawberry_ ice cream. That sounds sickening”. He pulls out his wallet and grabs a red card before swiping it into the machine. “Here, it's paid for. Just wait for the lady to call up order thirty-two”.

“What? Shit, thanks man”, James balks. Just ten minutes ago Sirius was acting like he couldn’t care less if James vanished from the face of the planet and now he was smiling at James and paying for his ice cream?

Sirius shrugs and gives him a knowing smirk. “It’s all good. Let’s go find a table”, Sirius says before walking towards a wire table in the corner of the shop next to the window. James follows him, still wondering what brought on Sirius’s sudden change of mood. He takes a seat across from Sirius, thinking it would be awkward to sit right next to him.

“Where’s Remus?” James asks, mostly just to say something.

Sirius nods his head towards the front ice cream bar that Remus is standing next. 

“I’m making him wait for my order”, he explains before cupping his mouth between his hands and shouting, “Remus, get James’s too! It’s order thirty-two!” Remus rolls his eyes but doesn’t protest.

Sirius laughs a bit, but his eyes soon deflate again. James briefly wonders if Sirius is returning to his typical hostile manner but pushes the thought out his head when Sirius begins to speak.

“Hey man, I wanted to apologize again for being a major dick to you. I didn’t even know you and I was still an ass. I shouldn’t have been so rude to you”, Sirius apologizes while mindlessly picking at a hangnail.

“It’s fine, dude. Please don’t apologize again”, James says with a smile, only half-joking. He hates when people apologize to him, he had enough of that at the funeral and wake. “Plus, you’re buying me ice cream, so all is forgiven”.

Sirius chuckles a bit at that. “I suppose ice cream is the way to a man’s heart”.

James nods. “You could fuck me over so badly and then buy me ice cream and I’d forgive you. It’s my character flaw… that and spilling drinks on pretentious assholes at parties and having a stealing habit”.

Sirius laughs heartily before pausing. “Hey! Am I the pretentious asshole you’re talking about?” 

James shrugs, feeling a bit like his old wise-cracking self. “Maybe… I did spill a drink on you”.

Sirius pouts and opens his mouth to say something when Remus returns back to the table, delicately balancing three cups of ice cream in his hands. James quickly spots his strawberry soft serve with gummy bears on top and relieves Remus of it. He watches as Sirius takes his own cup, a green-colored soft serve that James concludes is most likely matcha flavored. Jenna would be delighted to hear about Sirius’s order. Maybe he’d tell her on the ride home he’d eventually have to take.

They all dig into their ice cream. The only sound at the table for a few minutes was the sound of spoons scraping against the cardboard cups and the muffled pop song playing on the soundsystem. James ate his ice cream slowly, taking in every bite of the sugary tartness. James had always been a sucker for fruity desserts. 

“So...uh… James”, Remus starts after a few minutes of silent eating. 

James looks up from his strawberry ice cream and pops a gummy bear in his mouth. “Hmm”, he hums.

“Are you… dating anybody?” Remus asks.

“Why, you trying to ask me out, Lupin?”

Remus snorts and shakes his head. “Nah, I’m not into the whole depressed, sleep-deprived look”, he says while turning his nose up.

“I think you’ve just described yourself”, James points out with a smirk. He was really starting to feel like his old self, like sophomore-year James. The James that won soccer games, teased the boys on the team ruthlessly and attracted girls like honey drew flies.

“Exactly. There can only be one, obviously. _Somebody_ has to be the looker in the relationship”, Remus says while taking a large bite of his chocolate ice cream with chocolate syrup dripping down the bowl and chocolate shavings littered on top. James internally winces. He doesn’t know how anyone can eat that much chocolate.

“Are you calling me ugly?”

“Not if you answer my question. Are you dating anybody?”

James shakes his head. He wasn’t dating anybody now, nor had he ever. The closest thing he got to dating somebody was when he was kind of flirting with a girl that he had met through a mutual friend. They kissed a few times at celebratory Soccer after parties and Snapped each other, but nothing ever came from their flirting.

“Nope”.

Remus nods, looking a bit relieved with James’s answer. He wonders why. He hopes Remus wasn’t actually into him, that would be awkward. 

“Are you interested in anybody, then?” Remus asks.

James thinks about it. Was he interested in anybody? Maybe Lily Evans, but James couldn’t just say that to Lily’s best friend. He shrugged nonchalantly.

“Have you ever dated somebody?” Sirius asks with genuine curiosity.

Remus and James both gave him a synchronized look of surprise. James wasn’t expecting to be fucking interrogated today when he originally agreed to go out for ice cream.

“Um… no”, James replies.

Sirius looks appalled. “What? You’ve got to be lying to me!” Sirius actually gasps when James shakes his head no. “You’ve gotta be kidding me! Look at you, you’re all nerdy but in a chic way with your circle glasses and messy hair, girls like that you know”. He pauses to take a bite of his ice cream. “And guys”.

“I mean, I almost was in a relationship once, but ultimately she wasn’t that interested in me. We just texted and kissed a bit”, James explained, hating the new attention being on him.

“So does that mean you’re a virgin, then?” Sirius asks and Remus jabs him on the ribs. “Ow, what the hell was that for, Remus?”

Remus gives Sirius an exasperated look with wide eyes. “Sirius, you just can’t go around asking people if they’re virgins! It’s a personal question!”

James had to agree with Remus on that one. While not uncommon for someone of James’s age to be a virgin, it was also not uncommon for them to not be. James personally was comfortable in his virginity. He never felt pressure to lose it young like some of his old friends had and he also never felt pressure to wait for marriage. Ultimately, James just wanted to find somebody that he truly cared about to be his first. James was a bit romantic like that.

“It’s fine. Although, Remus is right. That’s kind of a personal question, Sirius”, James says.

Sirius looks down and hunches over. “Sorry”, he apologies while his cheeks tint pink. Poor guy had done enough apologizing to James to last a lifetime.

“Hey”, James says, picking his spoon filled with icecream up. “What did I say about apologizing? You bought me ice cream, you get a get-out-of-jail-free card today”. James waits for Sirius to chuckle and light back up again before continuing. “And to answer your question, yes, I am a virgin and I’ve never been in a relationship. And no, I’m not embarrassed by it”.

“That’s cool, James. I’m glad you’re secure in yourself. Fuck toxic masculinity”, Remus says with chocolate ice cream melting in his mouth. The sight of it makes James chuckle. “Now that we’ve pried a bunch of personal information out of James, I think we need to share something about our love lives to like… balance everything out or something”.

“Oh, okay. I’ll go first then”, Sirius volunteers. He pauses to think, his sharp aristocratic features scrunching up. “Hmm… I’ve only dated one person”, he finishes with a hint of discomfort in his voice. James makes a mental note of it.

“Really? Only one person? I’d imagine the great and all-mighty Sirius Black would have dated half the female student population by now”, James says. He notices both Sirius and Remus wince a bit and decides to change the subject. “Did you sleep with them?”

“James!” Remus exclaims, earning them a dirty look from the woman working behind the ice cream bar.

Sirius puts his hand up and shakes his head. “Calm your tits, Remus. It’s fine. I asked the first invasive question, it’s only fair that he gets to ask me something equally embarrassing. So, yes, James. I’ve made sweet sweet love to my lovely partner.” He turns to Remus and points at him with his spoon, causing some melted matcha to fly onto the table. “Your turn”.

Remus throws his hands up and pulls a face of mock offense. “Woah there, buy me dinner first”.

Sirius rolls his eyes and jabs Remus’s side with his elbow, causing Remus to double over and clutch his ribs. 

“Ah, what the fuck, Sirius?” He croaks as he rubs the spot Sirius jabbed him. 

“C’mon Remus, we all shared something invasive and mildly embarrassing. It’s your turn now”, Sirius says.

“Fine. You get to ask me one invasive and possibly embarrassing question”, Remus says while smoothing out his shirt. 

Sirius grins manically. “Body count”.

Remus scowls. “Ugh, do I have to answer?”

James scoffs, if he had to answer Sirius’s extremely personal and invasive question, Remus sure as hell had to as well. “Yes”.

“Fine. Two or three… depending on what you count”, he answers and James doesn’t even question what the ‘depending on what you count’ part meant.

Sirius cracks up and wiggles his eyebrows. “Well now that we’ve established that Remus and I are… more romantically experienced”, he begins slyly, “I think it’s only fair that we help James over here get a girl… or dude”.

James internally groans. He did _not_ need anybody’s help getting him a girlfriend. That was just embarrassing. “Girl. I’m like ninety-nine percent sure I’m straight. And also no, I’m perfectly fine being single. I don’t think I’m really ready to get in a relationship anyway. I’m not in a very good palace right now”, he replies.

It’s the truth. James wasn’t in a good palace right now. He was still grieving the loss of his mother and battling kleptomaniac tendencies. He didn’t want to be with somebody right now… at least not somebody who couldn’t understand his problems. He didn’t want pitying looks or sad smiles, he wanted empathetic hugs and reassurance that what he was feeling was perfectly fine and normal. Unfortunately, most kids James’s age couldn’t provide that for him.

“What do you mean?” Sirius asks, a small frown forming at his lips.

James takes a deep breath. He might as well just tell them now. They’d probably get it anyways. They met through a Shoplifting Anonymous meeting after all. 

“Well, a few months ago my mom passed away from cancer. I started stealing while she was in the hospital and I guess it didn’t really stop. Once my mom died, I had to move here with my dad, and _that’s_ a whole different story”, he explains, giving the gist of his last six months. 

Remus and Sirius exchange a look that James can’t quite decipher before both boys return their gaze to James.

“Hey, look”, Sirius starts, his grey eyes soft and affable. “If things ever get too much, just know you’ve got us”, he says.

Remus nods firmly. “Yeah, we’re here for you, James. I’m not going to turn this nice outing into a group therapy session, but just know that Sirius and I have our own struggles to deal with. We might now exactly understand what you're going through, but we know pain. And pain is pain, no matter who’s feeling it”.

James smiles. “Thanks, guys'', he says and he really means it. They finish up their ice cream and Remus teaches James about how the Portland metro area public transport works and he takes two buses home instead of calling Jenna up for a ride.

When James gets home, his phone buzzes and he grins when he sees that he’s been added to another group chat.

**Remus has added you and one other number to ‘failed thieves’**

**(1:02 pm) Remus: whats up**

**(1:02 pm) btw sirius, the other number is james and james, the other number is sirius**

**(1:03 pm) Unknown Number: i don’t like the chat name :(**

**(1:03 pm) Remus: pleeeeeaaaaaasssssse**

**(1:03 pm) you just don’t get put in a shoplifting program for nothing**

**(1:03 pm) Sirius: Fine.**

**(1:03 pm) HI JAMES!!!!!!!!!**

**(1:04 pm) JAMES SAY HI TO ME, YOU WHOLESOME VIRGIN SOFT BOY**

**(1:04 pm) James: if you ever call me that again, i will leave this chat and block you both.**

**(1:04 pm) Sirius: Nah, i’ll just buy you ice cream afterwards and all will be forgiven**

James smiles as he replies. Two months ago, the idea of having friends and a semi-normal life would have seemed outrageous, but now, it seemed just a bit more plausible. James types out his reply and hits send.

**(1:05 pm) James: well only if i can get gummy bears on top**

**_Thursday_ **

Sirius walks down the hallway next to Brady on their way to last period, keeping his head up and walking proudly. He waves to girls he knows vaguely from parties and shared classes and claps the shoulders of boys he was on friendly terms with.

They pass by James in the hall. James looks up and Sirius and Sirius looks at James, but they don’t say anything to each other. Sirius had informed James and Remus that they couldn’t show any signs of knowing each other while at school. It was too risky.

Sirius feels guilty about having to hide his newfound friendship with James and Remus, but he knows it’s for the best. If Brady had an inkling that Sirius was hanging out with people outside of the team, people that Brady didn’t personally know, he’d be sure to get upset. Sirius was trying to be good to Brady, sneaking away during free periods and making sure to respond to all of his texts on time. Brady’s previous threats still sat heavily on Sirius’s mind, so Sirius was constantly walking on eggshells around Brady. Just one slip up and Brady could leak all of those photos of Sirius.

“Sirius, are you even listening to me?” Brady demands.

“Yeah, of course, I am”, Sirius says, even though he wasn’t listening at all. He watches Brady from the corner of his eye. Brady’s thick eyebrows furrow a bit and his eyes narrow, all tell-tale signs that he was getting worked up. Sirius felt his heart pick up, bracing himself for whatever Brady was going to say.

“I don’t think you are, Sirius. I don’t know why, but these last few weeks you’ve seemed really withdrawn and not… all there”, Brady scowls as they turn into a more secluded hall. “And I’ve got really big news to tell you, so I wish you would be a little more invested in my life”.

Sirius frowns. “Sorry”, he mumbles, although he doesn’t feel too sorry. Truthfully, Sirius has only been feeling annoyed, angry, guilty, or scared around Brady, and those weren’t good feelings. Lately, Sirius thinks Brady brings him more stress than he does happiness. Sirius sometimes wonders if he’d rather be alone than with Brady… but he couldn’t possibly be the one to break up with Brady. That would be a one-way ticket to leaked photos.

“What’s your big news?” Sirius asks, feigning interest.

“Coach is thinking about making me captain next year. He’d been hinting at it for a while now but he’s asked me to meet with him next few Fridays to talk about it”.

Sirius manages a smile. “That’s great Brady, I’m so happy for you”.

Brady shrugs and rolls his eyes. “It doesn't seem like you are. This entire past week you’ve been distant and now you’re tuning out of conversations. Somethings up, Sirius, and I don’t like it”.

“Nothings up”, Sirius stammers. He tries to push the group chat out, his newfound friendship with James, and his rekindled friendship with Remus of his mind as he looks Brady in the face. “I’ll try to be more attentive, I’m really sorry”.

Brady scoffs again. “Yeah sure, whatever”. He turns his head back and forth, looking around for any bystanders. When he sees that the hall is empty, he turns to face Sirius and gives him a pointed look.

“Look, Sirius. I’m only going to say this once, you need to fucking shape up”, he growls. He takes his cell phone out of his pocket and flashes it in Sirius’s face. “Don’t forget, I’ve got leverage”, he warns before storming out the hall, leaving Sirius standing there like a deer caught in headlights.

Sirius thinks about the phone and he thinks about the picture of him, wearing Pride merch in a crowd of rainbows and smiles. He had been so happy that day, but if he had known what the consequences would be, he would have just stayed home. Hell, if he knew back in Freshman year that Brady was going to behave the way he was behaving now, Sirius might not have kissed back when Brady kissed him. But Brady had been good back then, there was no aggression and no fighting. They were so good together.

Sirius panics. His hand begins to shake and his heart speeds up, thumping against his chest. He had to get out there, he couldn’t stay here. The floor spun beneath his feet and the lockers swirled around him. He needed to leave. 

Sirius runs out of the empty hallway and runs through the larger new hallway he ran into. He shoves his way through backpacks and herds of freshmen to get to the nearest door. He craves fresh air, the stuffiness from sharing air with a thousand other teenagers finally getting to his lungs. A breath of fresh air is what he needs after being told off like that.

When he finally makes it outside, he takes what feels like the deepest breath of his life. The crisp outside air fills his lungs, calming him but making him crave more of the fresh air. Sirius decides to shrug off school and take a walk before coming back to the parking lot to catch a ride back with Brady. He certainly could use the fresh air.

He walks for a few minutes before finding a slightly run-down playground. It’s empty and Sirius decides to climb on the top of the monkey bars, just to feel young and innocent again. 

While on top of the monkey bars, he looks around at the playground and is reminded of his childhood. He knows he’s still young and that he’s got his whole life in front of him, but he can’t help but miss his early childhood days. He misses when he was only eight and Regulus was seven and they’d play outside for hours on end in their large backyard before being called in to eat a well-balanced meal made by Kreacher. His mother and father didn’t fight so much back then and they’d have civil conversations at the dinner table and Walburga would only have two drinks with dinner. He didn’t know when everything began to fall apart — maybe it had never been together — but he distinctly remembers the first time being hit when he was nine, and the first time he had meal privileges revoked when he was eleven. He remembers befriending Remus when he was twelve and he remembers Remus explaining what addiction was and that his father was an addict and Sirius remembers wondering if Walburga was one too. He had quickly dismissed the idea and to this day he still does.

So maybe it had never been together, but Sirius likes to pretend that there was a time when it was. As he sits on top of the monkey bars and looks out into the swing set and merry-go-round, Sirius pretends that he is eight again and that everything was fine. There was no delusional alcoholic mother waiting for him at home and there was no Brady.

He feels his eyes get hot as his phone dings. Sighing, he pulls his phone out of his pocket, expecting a text from Brady demanding that he know Sirius’s location. Instead, he sees a handful of messages from James and Remus.

**(2:10 pm) James: yo sirius, where r u**

**(2:10 pm) i saw you first period but you aren’t in class right now**

**(2:10 pm) u sick or something???**

**(2:12 pm) Remus: yeah, sirius where r u**

**(2:12 pm) just tryna make sure ur okay**

Brady would never send a text message like that. He would be angry that Sirius hadn’t told him where he was, thinking that Sirius was trying to avoid him. But he wouldn’t be worried for him. Sirius wasn’t used to people worrying about him. 

**(2:13 pm) Sirius: just at the park down the street from the school**

**(2:13 pm) Remus: did u skip?**

**(2:13 pm) Sirius: yeah**

**(2:13 pm) James: are you feeling okay?**

Sirius stiffens. He could lie, it would be easy to lie to them and let them think he was fine right now. But Sirius thinks about how Remus opened up to him the previous Friday night and the way James talked about losing his mother and his mental health at Eddie’s Cream. It took bravery to open up like that. He could be brave, too.

**(2:14 pm) Sirius: not really**

He chews on his bottom lip after hitting the send button, waiting for a response. 

**(2:15pm) James: i’ll be there in a second**

**(2:16 pm) Remus: me too**

Sirius stares at his phone with disbelief. Why were they coming? Sure, Sirius would like to have some company right now and maybe even a few ears to talk to, but he doesn’t understand why James and Remus were coming. He debates telling them not to come, not to bother with him, but decides against it. Something in his gut tells him that this was going to be a game-changer.

Five minutes later, Sirius spots James and Remus walking down the road from the school and he smiles when they wave at him, already feeling a bit better. They throw their bookbags down in the mulch surrounding the area of the playground and hoist themselves onto the monkey bars next to him.

“What’s up?” James asks. 

“What?” Sirius responds dumbly.

James gives him a knowing smile. “C’mon, obviously something’s wrong. You don’t just bunk class off to sit on monkey bars for fun… unless your life is extremely boring and depressing and you like to sit on jungle gyms and bask in melancholy”.

Sirius chuckles. When did James Potter become so outspoken? He’d been nothing but quiet since transferring in. Sirius finds he likes this side to James, the side when he’s joking around and spitting witty retorts without being hurtful. 

“I guess I’ve just had a rough day”, Sirius says loftily.

“Wanna talk about it?” James asks. 

“You can trust us”, Remus adds with a nod.

Sirius sighs. He was never good when it came to talking about feelings. Even when he talked to Remus on Friday night, he simply stated facts. He hadn’t talked about _emotions_.

But James looks at him through his circle glasses with warm eyes, encouraging him to speak, and Remus offers him a small smile, letting him know he’s okay.

“I’ll try, but I’m not too good talking about… like sad stuff”, he says.

“Don’t worry about it”, James assures. “Just let it out, no filter. You can tell us as little or as much as you want”.

“Alright, I’ll try”. Sirius takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself before he would speak. Sirius hates getting tongue-tied. He likes seeming put together, cool, and collected. It was his carefully crafted brand now; Sirius Black: the leather-clad quarterback who strides down the halls, looking effortlessly cool. Feeling big at school almost made up for all the times Sirius felt small in other aspects of his life. Almost.

“You know, last week I said that I’ve dated somebody, right?” He waits for both boys to nod before continuing. “Right, well I’m still dating that person and I’m starting to think they… they don’t treat me very well”, he says sadly. It was the first time he admitted out loud that Brady treated him poorly. “They always want to know where I am and who I’m talking to. That’s actually the reason why I asked you all to act like we didn’t know eachother at school, cause my boyfriend would get mad at me.” He stops when he realizes he let the pronouns slip and just outed himself to James. James doesn’t seem to question it, though. He just nods his head.

“It’s kind of overwhelming having him always on my case about literally _anything_ I do. I wish he’d just leave me alone, I’m not happy with our relationship anymore”, he admits, more to himself than anyone else. He’d had doubts about being with Brady for a while now, but he always ignored them in favor of the pleasant times he had with Brady. But now, having finally admitted his unhappiness out loud, he realizes that the negative outweighs the positives, and maybe he didn’t want to be with Brady at all.

“Sirius, what your boyfriend is doing to you is not normal, or is it okay. You understand that, right?” James asks, his eyes steady on Sirius.

Sirius shrugs. “I don’t know… My dad… he does similar things with my mom… or did… she doesn’t really get out much more”.

“Sirius, James is right. It’s not normal and it’s not okay for him to treat you like this. You deserve better”, Remys says firmly. 

Sirius sighs. He’s so confused. “I just don’t know what to do”, he confesses.

“Maybe you should break up with him, Sirius”, Remus says.

Sirius shakes his head. “Can’t. He’ll out me if I do”

“What?” James and Remus exclaim in unison.

“Yeah, I know. It’s really fucking annoying. He’s got some pictures of me on his phone from when we went to pride together and he’s threatening to leak them if I… ‘step out of line,”, he says, quoting Brady directly. 

“Sirius, it’s not just annoying, that’s _manipulative_ ”, James says. “That’s not normal, it’s not healthy, and your boyfriend is…”, he pauses, giving Sirius a sad look. “I’m sorry but, he’s abusive”.

Sirius smiles sheepishly. “Abusive is a strong word, I don’t really think that he’s _abusive_ ”. He tries to push memories of bruises from Brady being rough, Brady threatening him, and Brady degrading him out of his head. Instead, he tries to think of being fourteen and reeling from a rocky home life and struggling to come to terms with his sexuality, Brady taking his hand, smiling at him saying ‘It’s okay, I’m just like you’ and kissing him gently. He remembers the sparks that rushed through him and his head spinning around from his first kiss. Surly that Brady, the charming and romantic one, was still in there somewhere.

“I don’t think so”, Remus starts. “I think it’s a suitable word. Your boyfriend is controlling and is forcing you into staying with him. That’s not normal”, he says gently, although Sirius can hear the concern in his voice.

“I--”, he trails off, not quite knowing what to say. Sirius knows deep down that what he and Brady Finch had has evolved from the innocent high-school relationship they shared in freshman year to something frighteningly sinister, but Sirius didn’t know how to reject the boy that told him it was okay. Even if he wasn’t being blackmailed into staying with Brady, Sirius might have still been too cowardly to leave.

“Does he bring you more joy or more pain?” Remus asks. He makes eye contact with Sirius and holds his eyes. Sirius feels himself flutter under Remus’s gaze.

“Pain”, Sirius answers truthfully. He couldn’t lie, not when Remus was looking at him like that.

“Then I think you’re better off without him”, Remus says.

Sirius breaks away, looking down at his dangling feet. “But what about the pictures?”

James laughs. He places a warm hand on Sirius’s shoulder and grins mischievously.

“Sirius, think of the place you first met me.”

**_Friday_ **

Brady Finch is a man of routine. He has an alarm set for seven each morning, eats the same brand of cereal for breakfast, and either gets in his car by eight or gets picked up by Sirius at eight-ten am. Sirius knows all of this from the two years of being by Brady’s side, tangled up in a secret relationship. Sirius also knew that Brady keeps his gym bag locked in his car or locker during school hours. He was always strangely protective of his gym bag. Sirius knew this, but he never needed to. At least not until today, at least.

James had proven to work quickly. After their brief conversation on top of the monkey bars, James had returned back to class without giving an explanation to the two other boys. Sirius assumed that he needed to get back to catch the bus. It was only when James sent a photo to the group chat on the chilly Friday morning did he realize why James went back to class.

**(7:09 am) James: looky here**

***James has attached one image***

Sirius furrows his brows, wondering why on earth James would be sending a photo to the group chat at 7:09 in the morning. He clicks on the image and his eyes get wide when he sees it.

James sent a photo of Brady’s phone. A myriad of questions flew through Sirius’s head. _Why did James have Brady’s phone? Did James know that Brady and I were… Okay, but how did he even get Brady’s phone in the first place? Stupid question, we met at a Shoplifting Anonymous meeting. But how did he know I was talking about Brady?_

**(7:09 am) Sirius: james what the hell?**

**(7:10 am) what are you doing with Brady’s phone?**

**(7:10 am) James: stole it from him in class**

**(7:10 am) it was really easy. he had it in the front pocket of his book bag**

**(7:10 am) and i think you know why i took it, sirius**

So James did know about him and Brady. Maybe he figured enough from the time he spilled his drink all over Sirius, right after Brady had gotten done telling Sirius off. It didn’t matter how James knew, all that mattered was if James had done what Sirius thinks he did.

**(7:11 am) Sirius: are they… gone?**

**(7:11 am) James: I deleted every single last one of them and i’ll sneak his phone into Binn’s class so he’ll think he just left it there.**

Sirius stares at his phone, frozen in shock, relief, and pure glee. He’s free. There wasn't anything that was tying him down to Brady anymore. Sirius smiles ear to ear. He’s so happy, he could kiss the next person that walked into the room.

Actually, he couldn’t, because the next person that walks into the living room is Regulus and that just wasn’t going to happen. Regulus looks slightly disheveled with his wavy hair, cold blue eyes, and ruffled pajamas. He gives Sirius a questioning look.

“What are you so happy about?” He asks.

Sirius just shakes his head but doesn’t try to wipe the smile off his face. 

“Nothing”, he says. Regulus shrugs and walks into the kitchen, leaving Sirius alone to celebrate.

**(7:12 am) Sirius: Thank you so fucking much James!!!!!**

But Sirius wasn’t out of the woods yet. He left about an hour later to pick Brady up, pulling up to the curb of his family’s McMansion. 

Brady opens the door to the car aggressively and slams it shut behind him, taking the passenger seat with a huff. 

“My phone is missing”, Brady says. No ‘hi’ or ‘good morning’s 

“Really?” Sirius asks, trying to feign innocence. “When did you lose it?”

“Last I had it was before last period yesterday”, Brady hisses. He folds his arms up as they drive down the road. “Look, I don’t know if you’re mad at me or something, but this is absolutely unacceptable. If I find out that you took any part in my phone going missing, I’m going to be _very_ mad”.

“Brady, I don’t know where your phone went, I wasn’t even in last period yesterday. I’m sorry that you lost it, though”. 

Brady rolls his eyes. It’s clear he doesn’t believe Sirius. “Whatever. Is this about the pictures? Because if so, just know that I’m not stupid. I’ve got paper copies of them too, so try to behave yourself, Sirius”.

Sirius’s heart dropped. He had paper copies? 

“Paper copies?” Sirius trembles.

Brady smiles snuggly. “Yep”, he says, popping the ‘p’. “I’ve got them nice and hidden. So don’t think for a second that you’re safe, Sirius Black”.

Sirius forces his hands to stay on the wheel and his eyes on the road, even though he felt woozy and faint. He grips the steering wheel hard, his knuckles turning white, and continues the drive to school in silence.

When he pulls into the school parking lot, he watches as Brady hoists his gym bag over his shoulder and leaves the car without another word to Sirius. His fingers grip the bag’s straps tightly and that’s when Sirius realizes just why Brady was so protective over that bag; there were photos in them.

**_Saturday ___** ____

__Remus stares idly at the woman standing at the pew, mildly interested in her story. He finds himself drawn to hearing other people’s stories of their kleptomaniac habits. If he had to attend these meetings for the next five months, he might as well be entertained. That’s what these meetings were to Remus; entertainment._ _

__After the meeting ends, Sirius pulls Remus and James aside into the corner of the emptying room. He chews his lips nervously, his eyes shifting between the two boys._ _

__“What’s wrong, Sirius?” James asks while eating one of the Oreos from the snack table._ _

__“Brady’s got printed photos of me”, he says quickly._ _

__“What?” Remus gawks._ _

__Sirius sighs and shakes his head. “He thought I took his phone to delete the photos of me from Pride and I guess he thought I was going to pull a stunt like this so he made physical copies of the photos”._ _

__“What?” Remus repeats, still not believing it. It was already enough of a shock to find out that Sirius was not only in an abusive relationship, but that he was also dating Brady Finch, and now this was just the cherry on top of a really messed up milkshake. “He made _physical_ copies of the photographs? Is he psychotic?”_ _

__Sirius frowns. “I don’t know”, he says._ _

__“Hey, look, let’s all calm down”, James starts calmly, still munching on his Oreo. “I’m sure there’s a way around this. Sirius, do you know where he’s keeping the photos?”_ _

__“I think he might be keeping them in his gym bag”, Sirius replies._ _

__James nods. “Alright, good. That’s a start. Do you know where he keeps his gym bag?”_ _

__“He’s always got it locked up”, Sirius says, frowning. Remus instinctively places a hand on his shoulder and squeezes gently. It’s what Lily does to him when he’s upset and having a hard time talking about something. “He always keeps it in his locker or in his car.”_ _

__James lights up, his eyes dancing with mischief. You’d have to be blind to not see how much James thrives in this plotting the quiet shy boy from first period English taking a back seat as his humorous and trouble-making side came out. It was like James was made for mischief._ _

__“Okay, so that leaves us with two options; we either steal Coach's keys and break into his locker or we break into his car”._ _

__“What!?” Remus and Sirius both say at the same time. Remus took back any judgments he made about James the first day he met him. James Potter was absolutely crazy._ _

__“Yeah,” James continues on lightly like they were talking about the weather instead of stealing keys or breaking into a car. “I mean, it’s obvious Sirius can’t carry on like this, being tied up to Brady all the time. And if he gets to play dirty, then so do we”._ _

__Remus knows that he ought to play it safe. He knows he can’t risk getting into any more trouble, not if he ever wants to make it out of Gordic’s Hollow. But he also knows he can’t let Sirius suffer at the hands of Brady Finch anymore, not with the way Sirius was staring at the floor, looking like a kicked puppy._ _

__“Let’s do it”, Remus says. Sirius looks up and Remus nods at him firmly. “Let’s play dirty”._ _

__They didn’t have much time to plan their new heist as Remus had to go to the grocery store shortly after getting out of the meeting. He took two buses to get to the Giant near his neighborhood and wasted no time lugging cereal, frozen foods, and a bundle of bananas into his shopping cart before heading to the check-out._ _

__While waiting in line, Remus spots a familiar face waiting in another line. With long curly brown hair, extremely baggy pants, and a neon orange beanie on, Richard Madeira, more commonly known as simply ‘Ricky’ and sometimes ‘you little punk’, was a hard character to miss._ _

__“Hey, Ricky!” Remus calls out._ _

__Ricky glances around, his eyes searching for the caller of his name. He finally sets his eyes on Remus and smiles crookedly._ _

__“What’s up, Lupin?” He asks._ _

__Remus shrugs. “Not much, just stocking up on some shit”, he says while gesturing to his groceries._ _

__Ricky nods and grabs a pack of gum from a shelf. “Right. Well I’ve got to check out, and it looks like you do too, but you should stick around. I’ll meet you in the parking lot?”_ _

__“Yeah, cool”, Remus hums. He slips out his phone to check the time. 12:31 pm. He had about an hour before his mom would come home, which meant he had one hour to kill. Hope Lupin works long and tiring hours most days and nights, and Remus only catches glimpses of her during the day. She usually left for work around eight pm and would come home early in the morning while Remus was still asleep. She’d sleep while Remus was at school and sometimes even pick up some afternoon ships. Hope works like a dog, so Remus tries to be good to her, making her lunch when he knows she’ll be around and asking her about how her day checking patients in the clinic went._ _

__Remus hands the middle-aged man working the register two crips twenty-dollar bills and shoves the ten dollars he gets in change into his pocket, grabbing two grocery bags filled with non-perishables and frozen food and heading out the door. Surprisingly, the clouds that tormented Portland had disappeared, and the foreign warm rays of sunlight prickles at Remus’s overly pale skin._ _

__He spots Ricky hanging around by a bench in the front of the Giant and walks over to him, keeping holding a bag in each hand._ _

__“Been a while, Lupin”, Ricky says while sucking on a vape._ _

__Remus shrugs. Had it really? Usually, he didn’t hang out with Ricky or the skate crew outside of the skate park or parties. They weren’t like Lily, who spent more time with Remus than she did without him, and they weren’t like Marlene, Mary, or Dorcas, with who he exchanged homework with and occasionally spent weekends watching dumb rom-coms and eating alarming amounts of junk food._ _

__“Maybe. I’ve been busy”._ _

__Ricky raises an eyebrow at him. “With what?”_ _

__“Just stuff, you know. Probation officer is making me go to some bullshit meetings on the weekend now. Says it’ll help me”, he says, not quite lying but not quite telling the truth. Remus wouldn’t tell Ricky that in the past two weeks, he had befriended James Potter and mended a friendship with Sirius Black that Ricky didn’t even know ever had existed and now they were planning on how to break into Coach Hooch’s office or Brady Finch’s car. Instead, he told Ricky something he’d believe; that he got tied up with his probation sentence. He didn’t mind telling Ricky about his probation stuff, mostly because just a year ago, Ricky himself had been on probation. In fact, when Remus first embarrassedly admitted to Ricky that he was on probation, Ricky laughed and congratulated him._ _

__“Ah, shit. I fucking hate probation officers”, Ricky says, bobbing his head around. He squints his eyes and looks up at the sun. “It’s a nice day for a car drive, too bad I don’t have one. Might ask my brother for his keys… or maybe I’ll just hotwire it. It’s a busted truck anyway. He won’t mind it”._ _

__Remus snaps his head at the mention of hotwiring. “You know how to hotwire a car?”_ _

__Ricky gives Remus a nonchalant look. “Course I do, Lupin. I know lots of things. I know how to pick a lock, get into a locked car, hotwire a car, successful steal from-”_ _

__“Can you teach me?” Remus asks, not feeling bad one bit as he interrupts his friend._ _

__“To steal from a-”_ _

__“No, to break into a locked car”, Remus says quickly, thinking about Sirius’s previous words. _“He always keeps it in his locker or in his car.”__ _

__Ricky chews on the bottom of his lip while sticking his hands in his pockets and slouching. He turns to Remus and smiles lazily. “Course I can, Lupin”._ _

__Remus grins. “Thanks, you’re the best Madeira”._ _


	6. 400 lux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "we're never done with killing time. Can I kill it with you, there's a lot to not do".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk why i made 400 lux the title for this song, I just think the song is very... vibey? I listened to it while writing James's part. Whenever I listen to 400 lux, I imagine this one time when I was like... fourteen/fifteen(?) I pulled an all-nighter and rode my bike around at 6 in the morning and listened to the entire pure heroine album and watched the sunrise while riding my bike around. sorry, that was really random.
> 
> i just think the song is a great representation of how it feels to just hang out with somebody when you like them and you think they might like you back, but you aren't together yet and you don't want to be the first person to make the first move. 
> 
> anyway, sorry for that ramble. please leave a kudos or comment if you like this fic and thank you so very much for reading!!!!!!!!!
> 
> IM SO HAPPY TO HAVE 1000 HITS ON THIS!!!! U GUYS ARE THE BEST :)

**_Sunday_ **

James found himself in an empty (almost empty, the teenager on the cash register was playing a game on his phone, leaving the store unattended) Seven-Eleven, wandering the aisles, his fingers brushing along the bags of chips lined on the shelves. He stares at them greedily, debating which bag he’d take home. Or maybe he wanted a candy bar. Or a bag of candy. Sour candy seemed pretty appetizing at the moment. James could steal a bag of sour candy, the sweetness of the powdered sugar was distinctly Western and the artificial flavoring tasted radioactive, contrasting the herbal taste and spice of Indian food. 

James turns into the next aisle. His eyes dart to the candy section and he sizes up his selection. Sour Skittles, Sour Patch Kids, and those generic sour snake gummies that every convince store seemed to have. James decides he’d like the Skittles. He sticks his hand out, reaching for the Skittles, as he hears the bell of the door ring, alerting him that someone had entered the store. His eyes dart to the door, hoping the newcomer wasn’t a cop. That would suck.

Much to his surprise, James spots a head of silky auburn sway as the girl enters the Seven-Eleven. James immediately identifies the owner of the hair as Lily. Nobody had a head of hair as perfect as Lily’s.

Lily was looking down at her phone, still in her pajamas. Or was that just a grey-fit? James didn’t know nor did he care. Even in all grey sweats, Lily Evans was stunning. James watches her with his hand still suspended in front of the skittles, his eyes trailing her as she walks through the store. His heartbeat quickens as she makes her way closer to the candy aisle and he stops breathing as she looks up from her phone, a warm smile tugging at her lips.

“Hi, James”, Lily chirps, much too cheerful for someone awake at six am.

“Uh… Hi, Lily”, James stutters, trying to regain a regular breathing pattern.

Lily puts her phone away and looks around at the empty Seven-Elleven. “What are you doing up so early?”

“Couldn’t sleep”, James answers quickly. It wasn’t a lie. James had the hardest time sleeping last night. What he didn’t tell Lily was that today marked the three-month anniversary of his mother’s untimely death. Three months. A quarter of a year. Time only moves forward, and James hates it.

Three months ago he had been perched on a chair by his mother’s bedside in hospice, listening to her light breathing and the static from all the wires she was hooked on. He had his phone in one pocket and a stolen bag of Skittles in the other and a large fuzzy blanket on his lap. He had stayed by her side her entire last week. He didn’t know when she was going to slip away, so he made sure to never leave. Even though she was loopy on painkillers and her conscience was most likely already long gone, he didn’t want her to die alone. It was some gallant self-moral he had, never wanting his mother to feel alone. He’d fallen asleep but woke up to birds chirping outside his window and turned to go back to sleep before he heard what the nurses warned him about; a breath deeper than the others. He knew it would be her last.

_“I love you”, he said as her chest lifted with the exhale. He felt a tear slip down his cheek as she exhaled and stilled._

“Me neither”, Lily admits with a sad smile. She looks over to where James’s hand was still reached out. “Candy at six am? Isn’t that a bit unhealthy?”

“Nah, my body’s used to it by now”, James says. He retracts his hand and slips it into his pocket. He wouldn’t steal while Lily was around. It would felt like moral misconduct. “Also, we’re meeting at a Seven-Eleven at six am in the morning after both admitting to not being able to sleep. I don’t think you get to lecture me on what’s healthy or not”.

Lily chuckles a bit, her long brown lashes batting as she smiles. It makes James feel mushy and he mentally curses himself for allowing himself to develop a crush on this girl that he knew he had no chance with. 

“Well, I guess you’ve got me there”, Lily says as she throws up her hands in mock surrender. They fall into a moment of silence, and James can’t quite tell if it’s awkward or comfortable. Maybe both. Time seems to slow as Lily looks up and their eyes meet, the air permeating around them in soft waves. James can practically hear his heart beating against his chest. He’s glad he’s got dark skin because he’s sure if he was pale he’d be blushing furiously right about now as Lily stares at him with those sharp emerald eyes.

“James”, Lily says, cutting into their silence. She chews on the bottom of her pink lips, which were a natural bubble-gum color. “You wanna get out of here?”

Never had he wanted more. 

“Yes”.

Lily grins bashfully at him like she couldn’t believe she had just asked James and was in further disbelief that James said yes. “Great”, she hums, her voice shaking a bit. “Let’s go”.

Lily turns on her feet, rushing out of the Seven-Eleven. Whatever she ventured into the store for was forgotten as she holds the door open for James, who hurries to catch up with the red-head. Once out of the store, the cold morning wind pricks his face like a thousand tiny needles, poking at his cheeks uncomfortably. 

They walk onto the sidewalk that lined the permitted of a few spaced-out stores and led into a residential area. James could see the outline of the houses on the horizon. Even from the distance, he could tell they were more run-down than his upper-middle-class neighborhood on the other side of the street. He assumes Lily might reside in that area seeing as Remus also lived further down that way.

“Can I show you something?” Lily asks as they walk down the cracked sidewalk. “I think you might like it”.

James was so sleep-deprived and pumped with adrenaline that one gets from talking to their crush that he’d probably say yes to anything Lily threw his way.

“Yes”, he says.

“Great”, Lily says enthusiastically. She blushes and clears her throat. “It’s only a few minutes’ walk from here”.

Before James could register what was going on, Lily grabs his wrist and drags him off the pavement and into the parking lot of the Seven-Eleven. James tumbles but regains his balance. He leans into Lily’s direction, allowing himself to be dragged to wherever Lily was going. He watches as the stores and houses fade out of view as Lily pulls him behind the Seven-Eleven. A wire fence separates the parking lot of the Seven-Eleven and a forest, with three large dumpsters lined against the fence. James vaguely wonders how much trash can fit into them.

“C’mon”, Lily says. She drops James’s wrist and runs towards one of the dumpsters before heaving her tiny body over it. Her legs jitter as she hoists herself onto the dumpster and she uses her arms to push herself up. Once on the dumpster, she stands up, brushing her grey sweatpants off, and smiles at James. “Gotta keep up, Potter”, she teases as James stares at her blankly.

“Uh”, James mumbles. “Where are you going?” 

Lily rolls her eyes. “We. Where _we_ are going”. She crosses her arms and gives James a challenging look. “C’mon James. Just trust me”.

He does.

James mimicked Lily’s movements, running up to the dumpster and using the lid of the to hoist himself onto it. He follows Lily as she hops over the fence, which was only a few feet once on top of the dumpster. They land on the ground, their feet crunching against fallen leaves decomposing on the forest floor.

“It’s about a five-minute walk that way”, Lily informs him while pointing into the forest.

James looks around, searching for someone who might run-up to the two teens and scold them for hopping a fence and venturing into a fenced-up Forrest. Surely, this wasn’t legal. But nobody was running after them, in fact, the entire area was deserted.

“Let’s go then”, James says. 

Lily leads him deeper into the forest, which James isn’t too sure is a forest. Maybe it was woodland. 

They step over thick roots belonging to even thicker trees and weave in between thorny bushes. Every now and then, James steps on a plastic water bottle or will see a crushed beer bottle. After a few minutes of walking, Lily stops abruptly and breaks into a smile.

“We’re here”, she says.

The woods had led out into a clearing. A large smooth rock sits in the center with moss crawling on every surface of it. A few feet away, a small brook cuts through the clearing with water tumbling softly through it. The shedding trees allow for the sun to shoot through where leaves used to be, and the entire clearing is illuminated with the soft morning sun.

“Oh my god”, James whispers. 

Lily just smiles at him. “I know, right”. She leads him over to the rock and sits on it, patting the space next to her for James to sit on. “It’s crazy cool”.

“It is”, James hums, still taking in the beauty of it all. It was nothing too special, not anything James hadn’t seen on a hiking trip in Cali, yet James couldn’t help but think it was breathtaking. “How did you even discover this…”, he gestures around them, not quite knowing the proper word to describe where they were. Was it a forest? The woods? “Place”, he settles for.

Lily’s smile fades, causing James to worry that he’s said the wrong thing. He’s known Lily for barely a month, and they’ve already had the _‘my mom’s dead’ ‘cool my dad’s also dead’_ conversation back in October, but James knows that there was still much left unsaid. He certainly left details out, like his risky coping habits that usually led him into Seven-Ellevens at odd hours to steal candy, and he was sure Lily left details out too. He just hoped that his seemingly innocent comment did not hit a sore spot.

“I walk a lot when I’m stressed”, Lily says after a minute of silence. She sighs and pushes a strand of her dark hair behind her ear, all while shaking her head slightly. 

“Are you stressed often?” James asks against his better judgment. He gets scared, wondering if Lily would ice him out and tell him it was time to leave, but much to his surprise she chuckles softly.

“Not often. Just sometimes… just today”.

James spreads his hands out against the moss, letting the tiny hair tickle the inside of his finger. He looks down, thinking about how Lily’s eyes were even brighter than the vibrant moss. 

“Wanna talk about it?” 

Lily remains quiet. When she finally speaks, her voice is light and tense, like one wrong word and she’d be sent into tears.

“Yeah, that would be nice”. 

James looks up at Lily. He tries his best to smile in a manner that would be interpreted as soft, comforting, maybe even charming, instead of demented or creepy. He hopes that the slight pink tint at the tip of Lily’s pointed nose is an indicator that he succeeded with his charm.

“I guess… it all started last week, really. I got a text from Petunia asking if our mom was still mad at her. I was surprised, to say the least. It had been _months_ since she last contacted me or my mom. But I told her that our mom missed her more than anything else and then Petrina said ‘Great, I’ll be home next Thursday’.”

She takes a deep breath and exhales harshly, her green eyes flickering with irritation. “I just… I really hate her sometimes. Why does she think she can come in go in our lives? She acts like we can drop everything for her like she’s a fucking celebrity. She’s caused my mom so much stress these last months. God, I really hate her sometimes.”

James attempts to soak the newly confided information in. James was an only child, so he didn’t have much experience with crazed siblings. 

“Is there anything you could do that might make you feel better about the situation?” James asks feebly, knowing it’s a stupid question. Of course, there was nothing Lily already hadn’t done that would help the situation.

“Hm… I think if I beat the shit out of her on Thursday, it might make me feel better”, Lily mumbles.

“Tell me why I don’t think that’d help the situation”, James comments.

Lily looks at him blankly. “Oh, but it’d help me”, she says with a bitter laugh.

“Hey, you know all that shit you told me at lunch the first time I sat at your table?” He starts, waiting for Lily to raise an eyebrow to continue. “You told me to let you know if anything got rough at home and if it did to shoot you a text. Well, the same goes for you. Let me know if it ever gets too much. It’s really dangerous to wander around alone, early in the morning. Just shoot me a text and we can wander together. Even the hardest things are slightly easier with someone by your side”.

Lily gives him a disbelieving look like she couldn’t believe a boy she knew for barely one month could care so much. 

“I mean it, Lily. Just text me. We can meet at that shitty Seven-Eleven and buy artificially sweetened candy and eat them until we’re so sick, you’ll forget about everything except your stomach ache.”

Lily laughs at that and her laugher fills the entire space around them. She had a nice laugh, it wasn’t too delicate and frail and it wasn’t too obnoxious and overbearing. It was perfect.

“James”, she starts slowly. She turns to face him and looks at him with large, doe-like eyes. “Can I ask you something?”

“Ask away”.

“Why were _you_ at the Seven-Eleven at six am?”

James frowns. He’d been so caught up talking with Lily, that he’d momentarily forgotten his reason for his sleeplessness to begin with. 

“It’s my mother’s three-month death anniversary”, James drones.

Lily touches his arm gently, her fingers sending a jolt of electricity as it contacts him. She entends her reach, throwing an arm around him and pulling him close into an embrace. James leans in eagerly. It had been over three months since he’d last been hugged.

Lily doesn’t send him condolences. She doesn’t give him that pitying-look that James had been so well acquainted with and she didn’t tell him that it’d get better. She just held him.

They stay like that for what felt like hours-- or maybe it was only a few seconds. James couldn’t tell, even if he tried. When they finally pull apart, Lily pats him on the shoulder and nods her head.

“Thanks, Lily. I needed that”, James says.

“No problem. I like talking to you, James. You just get it”, Lily admits loftily. Her voice gets lost in the autumn air, falling like the leaves. 

“You’ve got Remus to talk to”, James offers, not quite sure why he was bringing up his friend right now.

Lily turns her head slightly, looking at him from the corner of her eye. “Remus is great. I love him, but he gets too caught up in his own head sometimes. If I told him what I just told you, there would be a fifty percent chance he might listen and give me a hug, but there would also be a fifty-percent chance that he’d do something brash and impulsive like drive Petunia out of town with a pitch fork and torch. Which is great. Sometimes I need that kind of impulsiveness, it’d certainly be a sight to see, but right now I just want to feel heard. I like talking with you, you’re sweet. Everything is much simpler with you, which is crazy cause we’ve only just met and you don’t know me and I don’t know you.”

“We could get to know eachother better”, James says, his eyes darting to the ground.

“We could”, Lily agrees. 

They fall into another silence, almost like the one they shared in the Seven-Eleven, although James decides that this one is definitely the comfortable kind.

“My friend Alice is throwing a party next Friday. You should come”, Lily says.

James turns to look at Lily, accidentally meeting her eyes. They’re green and sparkling.

“I think I will”.

**_Friday_ **

“Are we waiting for Remus?” James asks.

Sirius sighs. Remus was fifteen minutes late. They set the time for their meet-up at 4:15, with Remus being the one who initiated the entire exchange. It was also Remus who was running fifteen minutes late.

“Yeah, he’s late. As usual”, Sirius huffs.

James clicks his tongue and kicks a pebble on the parking lot floor. “Fuck, this wasn’t apart of the plan”.

“Hey, can you go over the plan again while we wait?” Sirius asks. He remembered most of it, but he needed some touching up.

James nods and smiles deviously. He had orchestrated the entire plan, rambling on about it on a group call the night before. Sirius remembers thinking whatever James had planned was a good idea, although he was a bit blurry on the details as James had decided to call at three am in the morning. Stupid insomiac.

“Okay, so Remus says he knows how to break into the car, which is great. He’ll hopefully break into it, whenever he gets here, and then you’ll go get the bag, take the pictures out, and we’ll leave immediately. Oh and after Remus gets into the car, he’s going to run back to the gym where Brady will exit after meeting with Coach Hooch as look out. We’ll text him if we finnish before Brady leaves, if not, Remus will try to distract Brady and seeing as Brady hates Remus, he’ll probably fall for the bait”.

Sirius nods along as James listis of his conniving plan. While he was talking, Sirius could have forgotten that this James was the same James who had nervously spilled a drink on him at Brady’s party a month ago. He wasn’t completely different, rather it was like he’d come out of his shell.

“And then we’ll head over to the play ground down the street and sit on the jungle gym and burn all the photos with a lighter. It’s very rom-com-esq, don’t you think?” James finishes.

“Yep”, Sirius says while smiling. “Very rom-com-esq”.

“Somebody say something about rom-coms?” A hoarse voice asks. Sirius and James both turn at the same time to see Remus striding towards them with a smug look. He carries his back back slung over one shoulder and his messy not quite long, not quite short, hair swaying behind his neck. He’s wearing that obnoxious red flannel like he does every day to cover up those scars that only three people knew about, Sirius being one of them. It all makes Sirius feel fourteen again. “Cause I know a lot about rom-coms”.

“Really?” Sirius squeaks, just to be saying something. He didn’t want to think of being fourteen, because that would force him to remember liking Remus and Sirius _couldn’t_ like Remus again, not right now and not ever, because they had just rekindled their friendship. “You don’t look the type”.

“Nah, I like rom-coms. I didn’t use to, but then I’d have these sleepovers with Lily, Marlene, Dorcas, and Mary - I think you all know them- and they’d force to watch the dumbest of dumb rom-coms. I’ve even watched ‘The Kissing Booth’”, he admits with a grimace.

“You had sleepovers with girls?” James asks.

Remus nods his head. “Totally. We’d just stay up all night watching movies and eating junk food. It’s great”. He slings his bag off his shoulder and places onto the ground. “Now let’s get this part started”.

Sirius smiles with amusement as Remus pulls a screwdriver from the pocket of his tattered denim and waves it around like a sword. He flashes it James’s face and James instinctively steps back, throwing his hands up as Remus chuckles. 

“Don’t wave that in the face, Remus”, James says as he slams himself onto Remus’s side. He lunges for the screwdriver and Remus dodges him, causing James to stumble a bit before regaining his balance. They continue to rough around, James trying to take the screwdriver and Remus narrowly dodging his attacks all while both boys laugh childishly as if they were six instead of sixteen. Sirius imagines how stupid they probably look, three teenaged boys mucking about in a parking lot. 

“Guys, can we _not_ play a game of keep-away with a fucking screwdriver?” Sirius asks, feeling anxious as the sun set. By the time it was dark, Brady would be back ready to drive home. They had limited time. “Brady could be back at any minute”, he hisses.

“Sorry, we’ll stop”, James says, unraveling his arm from under Remus’s. Remus smiles apologetically and walks to the car, running a hand over the outline of the car door.

“This is our new best friend, boys”, he announces, waving the screwdriver once more, before sliding the screwdriver into the top of the door. Sirius watches with a mixture of amusement and nervousness as Remus wedges the flat end of the screwdriver into the car. 

“Hand me my bag, would you?” He asks while gesturing to his school bag. James grabs the bag and tosses it to Remus, who catches it with two hands. “Thanks”, he says before unzipping his bag and taking a flimsy wire clothing hanger out.

“What’s that for?” Sirius asks. Sirius was no master at breaking into cars, but he could at least see how a screwdriver might come into play. But a hanger? 

“It’s for… you’ll see”, Remus says while unscrewing the top of the hanger. He straightens the hanger out into a crooked rod. He then slides the rod into the wedge formed by the screw-driver and prods it around for a few seconds. It is only when the rod presses down on the lock button did Sirius realize why the hanger was needed. The car makes a clicking noise as it unlocks.

“Fuck! You actually did it!” Sirius exclaims, a wave of excitement flowing through him. James sends him a glare and presses his finger against his lips, hushing him. “Oh shit, sorry”, he whispers.

Remus opens the front door and the screwdriver drops to the floor. “I’m a bit offended you doubted my abilities”, he smirks. “Alright then, I’m off to the gym entrance. I can’t wait to see Brady when he comes out there all hot and sweaty.”

Sirius doesn’t even acknowledge him with a response as he opens the back door, darting into the car. 

Once in the back seat, Sirius lunges for the trunk, grabbing Brady’s gym bag and placing it on his lap. He unzips it and digs his hand into it, Shuffling around dirty gym uniforms and tennis shoes until his fingers brush against shiny paper. He grabs at the paper and takes a stack of photographs out of the bag.

Brady had printed twelve copies of the photos. Most of them were different, but there were some repeats. All of them were in color and Sirius could tell from the vibrance of it’s color that Brady had spent good money printing them. Sirius glares at the photographs, feeling anger shake throughout his hands as he clutches the pictures. It was as if the vibrance of the pictures was mocking him. The warmth of the reds, yellows, and oranges, were fiery against the coolness of the blue, greens, and purples. The rainbows worn on the clothing and background in the photos laughed at Sirius.

Sirius looks at himself in the photo. He’s almost unrecognisable. His hair was longer, more unruly and darker, and his face had a pinkish color to it, like he was glowing. He looked much happier in the photo, holding up a pride flag and smiling at the camera. What had gone wrong?

“Sirius”, James hisses, snapping Sirius out his trance. He jumps at the sound of James’s shrill voice, dropping the photos onto the car floor. Sirius looks up to see a wide-eyed James, his face stricken with horror.

“What?” Sirius asks.

“We gotta go. Remus texted saying he’s coming. He tried to stall, but-”

“Fuck!” Sirius curses. He doesn’t hear the rest of James’s sentence as he crouches over, frantically trying to grab all the photos from off the floor. His hands fly, trying to get them as quickly as possible. As he’s collecting the photos, James picks the screwdriver and clothing hanger and shuts the front door.

“Okay, okay. Shit. Let’s get out of here”, Sirius says as soon as he got all the photos. He throws Brady’s gym bag back into the trunk and scrambles out of the backseat, closing the door with a slight slam.

As soon as he makes it out the car, he feels James’ hand on his wrist and gets dragged behind the white SUV next to Brady’s car.

“What the fuck, dude?” Sirius balks as James forces him to crouch down. James pushes a finger in front of his lips and hushed him.

“Be quiet”, he whispers. 

“Okay, fine. What the fuck dude”, Sirius repeats but in a whisper.

“I thought I heard footsteps”, he explains.

Sure enough, Sirius can hear the soft pattering of shoes against the cement parking lot. It was Brady. He could recognize Brady’s footsteps from all times they’d stay up late, watching Nexflix before Brady would turn on a speaker and ask Sirius to dance. Sirius’s breath slows as the footsteps get nearer. He clutches the stack of photographs tighter.

“Have you got them all?” James asks, keeping his voice down as they hid behind the white SUV.

“Yeah”, Sirius says, without actually counting them. He squeezes the stack of photos in his pocket. They felt like the same thickness.

“Good”, James says.

The footsteps reach an all time loud and Sirius can tell that Brady is approaching his car. He listens carefully as the car door opens and closes with Brady presumably in it. He finally starts breathing normally again once he hears the car engine start and the wheels grind against the cement as the car pulls out of the parking lot.

“That was close”, James comments. Sirius turns to look at him. He looks almost as scared as Sirius.

“Yeah”, Sirius argues. “Too close”.

“Are you sure you’ve got all of them?” James asks, gesturing to the photos in Sirius's hand. Sirius counts them out, mostly for James’s sake, but pauses suddenly when he realizes he’s a photo short.

“There’s only eleven”, he mutters disbelievingly. He couldn’t have possibly… no. He didn’t leave one in the car, did he?

“What?”

“I counted twelve in the car. There’s only eleven here”, Sirius says, his voice getting thin and needy. He felt his throat get hoarse and his eyes get hot, like he was going to cry. Maybe he was. He had been so close to escaping, to be able to put everything in the past. He was almost free of Brady.

James looks at him, his face pale and stony.

“Fuck”.

**_Saturday_ **

“So one of the pictures is missing?” Remus asks, his hand clutching a warm cup coffee. After Shopping Anonymous, the boys decided to head to a Starbucks after James pulled Remus aside and informed him that ‘something went wrong’ the previous day. James and Sirius exchange a worried look and nod in unison. “Fuck”.

“I think it might have slipped under his chair when I dropped the stack”, Sirius says while biting his lip. The poor kid is practically shaking in his chair and the coffee Remus bought for all of them wasn’t helping him. “God, I’m such a klutz”.

“Hey”, Remus coos while placing a hand on Sirius’s. “It’s okay. We’re going to figure it out together. Don’t worry”.

Sirius nods in agreement, but his jittery hands show otherwise.

“Don’t worry. We’ve got you”, Remus says. He makes sure to catch Sirius’s eye and gives him an affirming look. Being on the receiving end of these kinds of talks with Lily has helped him master the art of knowing just what to say. “You’re not alone anymore Sirius”.

Sirius smiles weakly. “Thanks”. He takes a sip of his coffee and grimances. “I always hated coffee. It seems like such a grown up drink. Anyway, I’m just so scared that he’ll find it before we do, and then he’ll know that we were going through his stuff. And then he’ll fucking out me. God!” He exclaimed, putting his coffe down and running a shaky hand through his long black hair. “How did we ever get to this point? I wish people like Brady came with warning signs above their heads, that way vulnerable fifteen year-old-boys who are suppressing their sexuality would know to pull away from the kiss and go home. They wouldn’t end up like this”.

Remus frowns. He didn’t know the whole story about Sirius and Brady, but he knew that the fifteen-year old boy was not hypothetical. Seeing Sirius fret over his relationship makes Remus want to pull him into a skull crushing hug, but he doesn’t because Sirius might not want to be hugged right now.

“Just know it’s not your fault, Sirius”, James says. 

“I know… I used to think it was but… ugh”, Sirius groans. He takes another sip of his coffee, grimacing again. “I just don’t want to be alone. I can’t deal with,” he raises his hands to his head, “these thoughts. My brain has never worked this hard. Not even on a McGonagall essay”.

“How about you come over to my place then? I’ve got an impressive amount of Sour Patch Kids and GTA”, James offers while raising his eyebrows from behind his circle-glasses. 

“Thanks, I’d like that”, Sirius smiles.

James turns to face Remus. “What about you Remus, wanna come and kick it at Casa Potter?”

Remus smiles apologetically and shakes his head. He has the afternoon shift at the Burrow from three to six and Marlene would skin him alive if he didn’t show. 

“Sorry, I’ve got work”, he says before downing the rest of his coffee. Sirius Black was wrong. Coffee is amazing. “Actually”, he checks the time on his phone, “I should head out now. I’ve got three busses to catch and a ten minute walk. I’ll see you guys on…”, he trials off, realizing that they didn’t make definitive plans to meet up next. 

“Will you guys be at Alice’s party?” Sirius asks.

“Yeah”, Remus and James say at the same time.

Sirius nods his head. “Alright then, I guess I’ll see you then, Remus.” He turns to James. “Shall we depart?”

James smiles and scoots out of the table. “We shall. Bye Remus!”.

Remus hurries into the Burrow, already late from the coffe trip and missing a bus. By the time he gets in for the afternoon shift, Molly has already left to pick her kids up from school, leaving Remus alone with Marlene. He shoved his backpack into one of the cubbies in the back room before working the desert counter.

“Molly’s out, we can play whatever now”, Marlene says with a mischievous glint. She dives into her black bookbag and shuffles around it for a few minutes. Remus wonders just how messy her bag has to be if it’s taking her this long to find whatever she’s looking for.

Marlene grabs a compact red speaker from her bag and throws it at Remus. He barely catches the speaker, fumbling around with it and almost dropping it twice, all while Marlene snickers at him.

“It’s your turn to play music, I had the speaker last time”, she explains before heading out the backroom to watch the counter.

“Alright, thanks”, Remus says while trying to hook his phone up to the Bluetooth. A few notifications from a group chat pop up while he’s trying to access the Bluetooth and he swipes them away promptly. “Marlene, the group chat is going off!”, he calls, hoping she wasn’t talking with a customer. 

Marlene whips around the corner, her long blonde ponytail swaying in the air. “Oh, I know. They’ve been blowing up my phone the entire morning”, she says, smirking. 

“Well, what’s going on?” He presses the ‘connect’ icon on his phone and soon The Neighborhood echos softly throughout the Diner. 

“Nothing, just people teasing Lily about how single she is. Come to think of it… Dorcas and I are the only ones in a relationship. The rest of you are all single pringles”. Marlene pauses and looks up, her eyebrows furrowing before she shakes her head and busts out laughing. “Oh my god, Remus! The Neighborhood, are you serious?”

Remus frowns. “What about it?”

Marlene continues to shake her head, smiling to herself like it’s the best thing ever. “How are you even straight, Remus?”

“I don’t know, I just like boobs”.

“Well so do I, Remus”, Marlene exclaims. She wipes an imaginary tear away from her blue eyes and snorts. “Give me your phone”, she says before snatching Remus’s phone from the counter. Remus sighs and slouches against the wall, knowing better to protest. Marlene would get her way when she wanted her way.

“Okay, so let’s see… You’ve got Tame Impala, Blood Orange… you know, you’re very basic for a Hipster”, she murmurs as she scrolls through Remus’s playlist.

“I’m not a Hipster”.

“Sure you aren’t”, Marlene says, not bothering to look up as she says it. Her thin lips contort into a twisted smile. “Clario? Fucking Clario? Remus, I hate to say this, but you aren’t straight”.

Remus rolls his eyes. He knew he was straight and was pretty confident in saying so. He had been on dates with girls and he liked them very much so. Girls were pretty, they were soft, and they were fun and Remus liked that. He liked _girls_.

“Ugh, Marlene. Give me my fucking phone back and stop reading in between the lines. Just cause I like music that is commonly associated with gay people doesn’t mean I’m gay. If we’re going by that logic, you’re technically straight because you listen to Blackbear, which is like prime-time straight white people music. Just because I like the Neighb-”

“No,” Marlene says briskly, cutting Remus off. “There are tons of other things. I just got a feeling about you, it’s my gaydar. And for your information, you can like boobs and dick, not everything is gay and straight. Look at Lily, she’s pan. She’s into everything”.

Remus shrugs and takes his phone back.“I’ll keep it in mind, although I really don’t think I’m anything but straight”. He never had looked at a guy like that before, never felt the butterflies he felt when he was around girls. He certainly wasn’t opposed to it, and if one day he did feel butterflies around a guy, he wouldn’t hesitate to acknowledge it. It’s just that he hadn’t it before.

“I’ll let you know if anything changes, though”, he says.

Marlene nudges his side before going off to make a milkshake for table number eight. While she’s gone, One of the girls from the corner table comes up to the dessert bar with her wallet. She smiles brightly at Remus.

“Can I… uh… can I get a slice of the blueberry pie?” She asks while pointing to the blueberry pie in the desert enclosure.

“Sure thing”, Remus says before unlocking the display case and getting a slice of pie out. He puts it onto a white ceramic plate and hands it to the girl. “Would you like to pay for it now or later?”

“Now”, the girl says.

“Sure thing. You’re total is three fifty”. The girl hands him four ones and he rings her up on the register.

Remus hands the recite to the girl and smiles at her, waving her off. She blushes a bit and ducks her head bashfully before making her way to a table. Maybe if she was still around when his shift was over he’d try chatting her up. If he was lucky he could at least get some digits.

Remus rings his copy of the recite through the metal skewer as the door to the Dinner opens, the bell chirping as it rang. Remus looks up from the counter and feels his heart stop beating as he eyes the man that just walked in. He’s rather tall and slimly built, making him look a bit lanky, like one rough bought of wind could knock him down. His short ruffled sandy hair contrasted the warm chocolatey eyes fixed on Remus. He looks just like Remus but older, greyer, and thinner. 

Lyall Lupin stares blankly at his son, frozen in the doorway. Remus wonders if he recognizes him. It had been five years since they last saw each other, after all. Remus had grown a lot in those years. He no longer was a wide-eyed kid with chubby cheeks and youthful innocence. He was a young man with rough edges and scared arms. Maybe Lyall wouldn’t recognize him. Maybe Remus could take his order and get on with his day, pretending the last time he saw his father was when he was being hauled into a cop car at three am in the morning. Maybe Remus wouldn’t have to open a wound that was still in the stages of scabbing over.

The two stare at each other for a good minute and the entire dinner seemed to silence itself. The air became cold and stiff and Remus’s legs swayed against the blue retro tiles. He grabs onto the counter to steady himself and clears his throat.

“Welcome to the Burrow Diner. How can I help you today?” Remus asks in his best professional voice. Lyall’s eyes break away from his and he looks down at his feet. He looks small and scarred, like a kicked puppy. Remus relishes in it. His father should feel small and scarred. He should feel ashamed and he should be sorry. 

Lyall doesn’t say anything. He steps out of the doorway and lets the door close behind him but doesn’t take any more steps. He just stands there. 

Customers are staring now. Remus hears the soft sounds of cutlery tapping against plates and the sound of ice cubes clinking against each other in glasses, but nobody’s talking. Eyes swish back and forth between the teenaged boy working the register and the strange man standing in the middle of the Diner. Maybe they thought Lyall was going to hold the place up. Remus wouldn’t put it past him. Who knew what dirty tricks they taught you in prison?

“If you’re not ordering anything, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” He jerks his thumb over to the sign that has ‘no loitering’ painted on it. Marlene had made it a month ago after another junkie fell asleep on one of the waiting benches.

“Remus”, Lyall says, breaking out of whatever daze he was in. Was he high? Remus narrowed his eyes, trying to access his father’s sobriety. He probably was. It was probably why he had ‘forgotten’ about their plans the other week.

“Get out”. His voice is steady and laced with malice. Lyall flinches at the tone of his son’s voice. He takes a few steps backward, his back hitting the door.

“I said leave! Get out!”

Lyall didn’t need to be told again. He scrambled for the door and left, leaving Multiple pairs of white eyes staring at Remus.

“I think I’m going to take my break now”, Remus huffs before turning on his heel and heading into the back room. Once in the cramped back room, he dives for the cubbies, grabbing his backpack and digging his pack of cigarettes from the front pocket. He heads out the door, the fresh air hitting him like a ton of bricks, and leans against the red bricks of the diner. He normally took his smoke breaks in the alley way made by the Burrow and the adjacent clothing store and he had accumulated a large amount of buds next to the door. Molly stopped complaining about it two months ago. 

“Remus”, a voice calls. Remus snaps his head and sees his father lurking by the entrance of the alleyway.

“What?” Remus seethes. 

“I just… can I explain?” Lyall asks as he wades closer to Remus. Remus sighs, knowing it’s a lost cause. He knew he couldn’t turn his father away, not after years of yearning for him to care. He used to write letters, but he’d never get a letter back. Maybe this would be his long-awaited response.

“Explain away”.

“I was going to show, I really was going. I had my coat on and my boots… I say this because I need you to know that I was going to come. I was already out the door when my Landlord cornered me, asking about some leaky pipe and-”

“No offense”, Remus interrupts, holding his hand up. “But I don’t really care. You have my number. You could have called me or something. I waited at that cafe for hours”.

Lyall winces. “I’m really sorry. I really do care-”

“No, you don’t. If you did, you would have responded back to my letters or sent a happy birthday card or something. Or maybe you would have fucked off when I was little, that way you could have spared me all this bullshit, to begin with. There were so many opportunities for you to put some effort in, and each time you chose to decline. So don’t act like you care now that you’re out. I haven’t seen you in five years and I can go five more. Shoot, I don’t even need to see you again”, Remus spits. 

Lyall cowers at his harsh words. Remus should feel happy. This is what he wanted, wasn’t it? For Lyall to finally realize how much he screwed Remus over? But Remus didn’t feel good one bit.

“I don’t hate you, but I don’t like you”, Remus sighs, his voice deflating. “I just… _fuck_. It’s been a long five years.”

Lyall nods knowingly. “I understand that Remus, it’s why I want to talk to you.”

“Talk about what?” Remus scoffs.

“I don’t know… I just… God, Remus. I know I’m an asshole and I know I should have shown or at least called you that I wouldn’t. I should have shaped up when you were born like Hope did and I should have been a better father. Words can not express how sorry I am”

This was the apology Remus always dreamed of and yet Remus still felt equally shitty, if not more so.

“It’s fine. Don’t apologize anymore. I don’t want to hear it. Please, don’t ever contact me again”, Remus says pleadingly. He couldn’t keep doing this. He couldn’t keep playing this cat-and-mouse game, writing letters that probably were never read and accepting apologies he shouldn’t.

Lyall smiles bitterly. His eyes glance over Remus like he wasn’t even seeing him. “You remind me so much of myself”, he whispers.

Remus shakes his head. “No, don’t say that”, he warns before dropping his cigarette and letting it burn out on the tar. “I don’t want to be like you”. And with that, he turns around and walks back into the Burrow to finish his shift.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'd also like to note, my updating schedule will no longer be ineffect. I will most likely update about once a week, however, I'm very busy these upcoming weeks. i will try to update when I can, especially since the fic is closing up! Thank you so much for anyone who is reading!


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